Problem

So, I have a problem. Usually when you come to Christ there is an experience where you change. There is a before and after. The problem for me is that in my memory there never was a before. This might not be a problem for most of those "church kids" because they might end up trying to go their own way, rebelling against God, then they realize that they need God and how much He loves them because He will still forgive them. But I haven't had that either. I never really turned away. I always wanted to do what was right, it might not have been for the right reasons, but the point is that I have. I never turned away from God, nor do I want to. So, I find myself in this interesting predicament of not knowing what i is like to be out from under God's grace. I don't know what it feels like to be in place of a sinner suddenly realizing that he is going to hell. I don't know what that feels like. There was always the thought that Christ would come back and I wouldn't be ready, but never so much the feeling that I was doomed to hell, a course from which Christ plucked me up from. I wish that I have felt that. I wish that I could have known that for it makes it difficult to grasp the love of God.

I was listening to the radio today and it triggered something in my mind. I'm not sure what exact words he said but it was something to the effect of, "Why should God forgive you." That struck me because I have always been taught that He will. I had accepted His forgiveness before I even felt that I really needed it. I know that I am His though. I need Him. But there is something wrong. I don't have the same sense of God's love and forgiveness as other Christians and I feel so alone. I wonder, does anyone else feel like this? Maybe I got saved without the feeling that hell was a threat. It sounds weird, but how? How do I fix this?

Now, this doesn't mean that I haven't felt guilt over something that I have done. I have felt tons of guilt, but I have always known that if I repent that God will forgive me. I always want to repent, so in a way I have become so accustom to knowing I will be forgiven that the threat of hell does not exist... It is almost as if hell itself did not exist to me, because it never was a threat (that I can remember. I know that it was before I came to Christ, yet I have never felt that it was).

So here I am, utterly confused and feeling that I have missed out on something big, yet not knowing how to come to this fullknowledge of God's love and grace. THere is always the thought, you know, you could go out and sin and such, but I don't want to. I would in all reality feel completely horrible doing anything but following my Lord. I don't want to do my thing, or if I do, I don't want to turn away from God. If I know that God doesn't want me to do something, I don't want to do it.

This is so hard and difficult. It is a curse that I have had to put p with. I don't know His love like others who are in Christ do. I don't know what it feels like to be grasped up while utterly falling into the pit of hell. I don't know the meaning of His love and grace and forgiveness, because I have never known anything but it.

So.... what do I do?

Lord, you have been my companion. I have been trying to follow You for so long and I don't want to stop. But Lord, I feel like I havemissed out on knowing You in some way. I want to feel that realization of Your love and grace. I want to feel the sense that I am loved dearly beyond what I can imagine. Your grace did not come unexpected to me. I expected it. Grace was not a gif to me, it was something that just is. It is something that you just give to us. Maybe it doesn't seem to cost You anything big to me, though I know how much pain and suffering You went through on the cross. It doesn't mean much to me because of all that I have been taught and the circumstances of my life. But God, I don't want it to be. I want to revere Your gift and Your love like it truly is, something that is not just there, but something that Your love poured out to us because we were heading down the road to a place where we could never come back from, a place where we are utterly seperated from You. I want to feel the relief of knowing that I am saved, not just the knowledge of it. If this is a curse God, take it away and show me Lord, please reveal to me Your love and Your grace, not just the knowledge of it in my head, but the knowledge of it that runs deep inside and through ever single part of my entire being. I feel alone God, and that no one else is like me. I don't really know if there is anyone out there like this. Please Lord, help me find Your way, help me know Your love and to truly appreciate the sacrifice You made for me. Lord, please, Lord, please, In Jesus name Amen.