Who I am

Growing up in an evangelical / fundamentalist / pentecostal / holiness background has a way of shaping the way that you view things. I was taught basic beliefs about the Bible ... inerrant, infallible, totally inspired... etc. I was taught a bunch of different doctrines and such. This was because from the time I first went to school I grew up in church and with a private Christian education, even until now. However, something began to change...

While I was ending my second year of college I felt that my life was going to change. I had no idea what was going to happen. In fact, I had made plans to keep on going to college, but after this feeling occured I had no idea what would ensue. By the time the end of summer came around I felt a call on my heart for me to go live with my sister in another state. There I began to really study the word and pray. It was, in some ways, the genesis of my own faith... of what I believed as opposed to what I had been taught.

I read and grew in the Word and in communion with God. After a few months thought things began to die down. After seven months of staying with my sister I came back and continued my college education. (Which, according to God's Divine providence, the Ohio trip made it possible for me to have the money to continue my education.)

As I continued in college I started studying theology and ministry. Suddenly tensions that I had inside of me, ones that majorly arose out of my trip to another state, began to crop up... tensions about the way I looked at things theologically and more began to be explained. I found out that I was not quite fundamentalist, that I was not quite
evangelical, and that the way I had been raised did not fit me completely.

My continuing education, coming on the heels of my trip, began to birth a new movement in my spirit. It birthed something that actually made sense to me... something that went along with my ideas and thinking; something that made me resonate deep inside, like a tuning fork. It birthed in me a journey toward a seemingly much criticized movement. A movement that many Christians within my own denomination probably look down upon... Postmodernity.

Now, here I am; finding myself in the midst of change. I just pray that God would be with me, guiding me through the storm, guiding me through my journey.

Hmmm... thoughts on motivation and such

Right now I am considering creating an online group on myspace about theology/philosophy. This is an idea that I have had for a little while now. But, I am not sure if it is what God wants me to do. If I were to do such would it be out of the right heart? I think that is what a lot of decisions probably come down to, whether or not the heart behind things is right.

So, naturally, what would be my heart behind the theology/philosophy group. Well, I don't think that it is so much to be a leader of a great group who has a bunch of power and can kick people out and threaten them. I don't think so. Of course, it could have something to do with wanting to be in charge. I have a tendency to want to be in charge of certain things. So, is it a control freak kind of thing? I guess I can be selfish and want things to be passed through me or for me to be involved in all of the different stuff going on. I think perhaps it goes back to the desire to be needed. The "need to be needed" as some would say. So, maybe that is part of the reason for why I want to make the group. It sounds right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe that is a big part of it. Maybe my heart isn't right in doing so.

Regardless of that I can still see the value in doing it, but maybe I shouldn't until I get over this stupid "need to be needed" thing... or at least get it out of my motives for the group. ... yeah

My need to be needed thing is hard. It is something that I don't want, but it is something that happens regardless of what I do. I don't want to be handicapped to this. So, how do I deal with a need to be needed?

Maybe it has to deal with an insecurity issue? Do I not feel worth? Do I have a poor sense of self worth? Maybe... and maybe that poor sense of self worth is salved when others affirm me, letting me be a big presence in their lives. It makes me feel important and included. It makes me feel loved. Maybe that is the issue. Maybe I don't feel loved. and when you don't feel loved you feel a lack of self worth as if you are not worthy to be loved.

But the thing is is that I am loved. I am loved more than anyone here on earth could ever love me by an incredible God. He showers His love on me. It is in His love, in Him, that I should find my worth. I have incredible worth to Him.

This is true. But sometimes I don't feel it because I guess in a way, physical representations of love have a way of feeling more real than the love of an invisible God. Not saying that they always do, but that perhaps it is easier to feel loved when we recieve that affirmation physically or in a mortal sense. This doesn't nullify the fact that God's love is greater or that it gives us insurmountable worth, but it just means that sometimes it is easier for us to go by what we can see, hear, and feel in this world than by something that we can feel in the Spirit (because we don't always feel things in the Spirit.) For me at least, it is easier to be numb in the Spirit than to be numb from someone reaching out and touching me with their care and love. So that at times makes it hard for me to feel that love that He has for me and that insurmountible worth that He gives to me by His love... that insurmountible worth that He gives to all whom He loves.

Maybe this reflects on the way that being in the flesh and being in the Spirit affects us. If we are in the Spirit... and walk according to the Spirit, maybe we will not be so prone to being numb to the Spirit, but if we walk according to the flesh and see simply according to our senses then we are more prone to lose sight of the truths that we find underlie all that is visible... but are so often invisible to us. If that is true, then that means that if I am going to grow past this sense of worthlessness then I need to spend more time in the Spirit. Ahhh, but then again comes that sense of motivation. Am I wanting to be in the Spirit more just because I will end up feeling better and feeling like I have worth, or am I doing it because I want to spend time with God... because I love God. A deep love of God needs to underlie all that we do.

But how do we get this deep love of God if we don't seem to have it? What if we know we should and we want it but we don't seem to have it? Well, then we shouldn't seek it for our benefit, but rather because it is the truth, because it is what is right. I guess it comes down to if we really love what is true and what is right or if we love to live in darkness... if we love to live in what is not right and what is not true. Maybe that is the beginning of faith... that love of what is right... that love of something that is beyond our needs and desires. That love of something beyond what will benefit us.

Where I am... Holding on.

Sigh... yeah. So, today I am feeling pretty down. Pretty sad. I think that it is mostly due to the fact that I don't really feel like I have close friends anymore. People who I hang out with and share a common depth with.

What got me started on all of this?

Well, yesterday I went back over to the church after service because I wanted to talk to one of my old close friends. I wanted to catch up with him and maybe just spend like 5-10 minutes alone. But, it happens that where he should have shown up for service, he didn't come at all. This wouldn't be so bad normally, say, if one of your closest friends was late or didn't show, but the things is, I haven't been able to talk to this guy forever, well with depth anyway. It isn't that I am mad at him for that. It is more like realizing that I am not that big of a part of his life as I used to be. He and I grew apart. He has his own life.

Don't get me wrong. It is good for him to have his own life. I don't think that is the problem. I am just wishing that there was someone that I was a best friend to. I have friends. I have people I talk to, but there are only those few people out there that get so close to you that you are not longer just friends. You are more like brothers or beyond. That is what our friendship used to be like. And now I feel like I dont have anyone who is that close to me. I don't feel like I have someone who is more than just a friend, and perhaps more than just a brother. I don't have someone who is linked to me on an incredibly deep level right now. And I feel that. I feel at a loss because of that. I feel sad as if I am mourning my past friendship with my two best friends that I have ever had and now I am so far from.

I have a feeling that things will never be the same. I have a feeling that I am going to have to leave any prospect of being that close to them anymore behind. I do not know if that is the absolute on all of that, but that is what it feels like for now. I feel like I am coming to the place where I am going to have to let go of my past in order to move on to what God has called me to do. That is not easy. In fact it is very hard because I do not want to let go. I don't want to let go of the past, yet I might very well hav to in order to move forward. And if I have to, then I have to. I don't want tp stand still just because I cannot accept what has happened.

In a way I also feel like if I were to let go I would be abandoning them. I definitely don't want to abandon them. I ended up doing that when I went to Ohio and things fell apart from then on, concerning our friendships. If I move on and don't include them then I feel like I am abandoning them. If I don't move on without them I feel as if I am holding on to something that I cannot take with me, or something that is irreconciliable with what I am supposed to do. I do not know what their opinion of me would be after I take off without them. They might not like me much anymore. I feel like it is time for me to move on. So, I must.

Aside from that, it is hard because letting go of them means having open hands. It means having nothing in my hands. But in order for me to have something else in my hands I have to let go of what I have first. I also don't like that analogy though because all of a sudden the motivation for letting go is for recieving something new. I don't want my motivations to be based upon what I might recieve. They need to be based on my love for God and a willingness to do what He desires of me regardless of it I recieve something new or not. So, if I let go, it needs to be in trust that it is what God wants me to do. It needs to be because I feel that it is where God is leading me, not because I may recieve something better out of it.

It is hard to let go. But I must. If it is God's will then I must. Is it really God's will? Is it really God's will? This is where I feel I need to go. If God wants me to do something else, then may I do something else. I need You direction God. Please help me to find the way tat I am supposed to go. Help me to do what I need to do. Help me to know what it is to let go of what I need to let go and to keep what I need to keep. In Jesus name, amen.

I don't think that letting go would be a complete severance as much as it is moving on in life without them instead of always looking back and wishing for the years and the things that were.

Thats where I am.

: )

Has God ever used something in your life to tell you something or to give you peace that you did not expect? Most recently I have been watching a show called "Heroes" and along with that I also watched a movie called "Stranger than Fiction." Now this may seem weird, but today, I think God spoke to my heart (or at least laid something on my heart) through them. I want to serve God and take the place that He has created me for. I want to live my life as He would want me to live it. I was inspired to take my place. To stop squirming and to try to live according to His hand. The beginnings of a sense of purpose and calling sprang up. And I rejoice in God for that. He truly is good, and His love endures forever.

So you want to change?

I have been stuck at various times in my Christian walk wishing that I could change. In fact, one thing that I am having to deal with right now is pride. When someone asks me to do something that I am capable of doing, my heart gets puffed up. It is one of the most frustrating things that can happen. I don't want it to happen.

Another thing that haunts me is the waveriness of my faith. Don't get me wrong, He is there, I just end up feel like I am talking to the ceiling sometimes. Even when I worship sometimes it just feels like I am singing songs, even if it is a time when I am worshipping on my own.

I was thinking about this today when I felt God remind me that if I would just spend time in His presence, He would help me. You see. One of the things that I have found is that I cannot change myself. I do not have the power. That is why I can hate being prideful and yet have my heart exult itself under my breath. It is the most frustrating part of our walk as Christians (well at least to me) to want to do what is right and then to find your own heart and emotions and desires betraying that very thing you want to do and know that you should do. So what can we do?

Spend time with God. It is He that changes us on the inside. You are dealing with pride? Porn? Drugs? Selfishness? Anger? Spend time in God's presence. I think that the more time we spend in God's presence the more He changes us. I believe He uses the time we spend with Him as an opportunity to move in our hearts and conform us to be more like Him. How dangerous it is for us Christians to not spend time with Him because, at least in my experience, we just fall back into the places that we were before He came and started changing our hearts.

Spend time with God. Dig in the Word. Pray. It may seem hopeless or as if nothing is getting done. It may seem like you are talking to a wall. It may seem like the words just run through your eyes without ever getting to your heart. But keep going. It takes a while to scrub away at that calloused shell that encases our hearts. Of course, maybe God will break through and give it instantly. He can. But don't be disappointed if He doesn't. We in our American mindset like to have things quick and easy. We like to have our dinners on our plates within 2 minutes or less. (and we certainly don't want to have to bother with cleaning up afterward... ok, so maybe that's me :-/) Point is, we want things easy. Well, life isn't easy and it isn't quick. This thing we call the Christian walk isn't easy and it sure isn't quick. It takes time to grow. (Like I said, God can do whatever he wants... he can do it quick. And maybe He will. But just be patient if He doesn't)

Walking can be hard

Right now I am feeling well, rather irritated by some things that are going on, but thats ok. I'll get over it. Other than that, I wanted to talk about some of the things that have been going on inside of me recently.

I really want to be close to God and just recently I have in a way "re-dedicated" myself to seek after Him first... for Him to be my everything. This thing can be so hard though sometimes. My mind is hard to convince and skeptical. Many times I find myself lacking in faith, even though I know that He is there. I feel like I am in a dark cave and only see glimpses of Him now and then. I try to get close, but all I can see is darkness. But I keep walking. Every once in a while I will get another glimpse... and afterwards as I am stuck in the dark I wonder if this will ever end. Oh how I want for it to be as if I was right there with Him. Oh how I wish to leave this dark cave that I am traveling through. He is so hard to see, so hard to touch. I am lost in the merciless fathoms of the darkness of my own mind and reason. I wish to be free. Because I know that this darkness is only there because of my own mind. It is the involuntary cage that wraps me in a dark blanket that I toss and turn in, only peering through to the day light every once in a while.

Who will bring me through this? Who will help me through this? My Lord. Jesus. My God. He will rescue me from my own cave, my own cage, my own stifling blanket. Maybe I just need to stop flailing and just sit and wait for his loving arms to pick me up and like a father to his son who has been playing too long in the freshly warmed sheets, peel back the layers that I have entwined myself in bringing me into the light, hugging me tightly with his love.

That is my God. That is my Lord. My Daddy who gently peels back the sheets and lifts me out, keeping me safely in His arms.

Lot of things on my mind

      Here I am. I'm sitting in the coffee shop over at my university preparing to ponder all of the things that have been going on recently. It is actually kind of weird for me to be here on campus right now, because it is spring break and I am a commuter student, but thats ok, I'll deal with it.

      Recently, I have been thinking about what God has called me to do in life. It has been the subject of many different ponderings. I have several different thoughts as to what I might be called to do. The most prominent one that keeps beconing me (yet I find it hard to do) is to pursue singing and playing music. This is difficult because, well, the people that I grew up with musically live in a different city at least 30 minutes away. And that poisonous suckage of money / depriver of life we call gasoline is growing in price, making it harder and harder to go anywhere-epsecially in my financial state.

      So, I find myself at home, by myself, feeling the need to play music when most of my time in playing music before was geared to playing with those guys. It just feels so hard without them. Consequently, feeling a call to play music right now is kind of like telling an columnist of a magazine to get to work when there are no other writers. Of course God could have an incredible plan for his writing, and all he can see is just the here and now... the seemingly impossible wasteland. But maybe God calls us through those wastelands so that we will trust Him. Just like Abram, being called to leave all he has and just go. That must have taken a lot of courage and faith. It must have been hard. But he trusted God. So, maybe I should.

      Another one of the things that I feel that God might be calling me to do is to write. (songs included.... that fits into the previous paragraph, but that isn't what I am talking about here.) I feel that maybe God is calling me to write down my thoughts on theology and more. I get ideas for books and have thought about trying to do a little bit of freelance writing. I dont know if that will go anywhere, but I feel an inclination to do so.

      My concern is, what if it is not what I am supposed to be doing? I want to be doing what God has for me. I don't want to get off track. I could see this as a possible distraction to what I need to be doing. (yet even then am I doing anything else anyway?? At least if I did this I would be doing something)

      This desire to write also includes the desire to think about things. I have the desire to think about philosophy and theology. I want to read and figure things out. I want to know things for myself and not just accept them because someone told me. I have questions. I want to know answers. This would also include discussion with other people who think about theology and philosophy. Aye yai yai ... this too could take a lot of time. Is it worth it for me to be doing this?

      Another thing which I enjoy doing is computer stuff. I love to mess around with my graphics editing program (the GIMP). I have made a logo for a small business and have even mostly designed a DVD cover that is going to be put into use by that same small company. Just thinking about it here though, it seems like this is more of a side thing. It doesn't seem like it is as important as the other three things that I want to do. (But still! it can help bring in money... something which the other three I guess could possibly do... well you would have to understand my whole thoughts toward publishing and ministry for profit :-/!! So, I really couldn't count on the others to bring money in for me, unless it was God providing... which He can.)

      Siiigh, suffice to say, I find myself as a student pulled in these directions. I have a year and a half left in college and feel these inclinations. Gladly, my degree is going to be in Contemporary Christian Ministries and Biblical and Religious Studies... Theology and Ethics emphasis. That helps some with the things that I desire to do, as I will be writing papers and learning more about theology. I just have a hesitancy to jump fully into doing some of these things. In music I feel trapped or at least burdened, in Theology/Writing I am questioning if I should do it or not, and in computer stuff... well, that really isn't that big of a deal.

      Please God, please help me to walk in the path that You desire for me. I want to do what You have for me to do. I need Your guidance and Your help. I don't want to wander off on my own for my own reasons. Help me God, in Jesus name, Amen.

Whew... construction done for now

Yup. I've been working to get the new background up and everything working properly. Finally done. Actually, I have been trying to get a single aspect of my page just right for quite a while. I got it done tonight. Tiiiiight. Alright, I might update later on today. Latas

Ok... so I am going at it again.

Alright. I haven't exactly been very consistant with this whole blogging thing. In fact, I don't think that I have been consistant with a lot of things in my life. Discipline is one of those things that is both desired and makes me cringe because of how hard it is for me to have. I think that a lot of the problems in my life are boiled down to just that, lack of discipline. If I think about it it is a lack of discipline that has caused my continuious failings, being that I fail through letting my passions control me, instead of me controlling them. That is exactly what discipline is all about. You control the desires and passions that you have. They don't control you. If I am disciplined in doing my homework then I would go contrary to my natural inclination to put it off. I would control myself instead of letting my desire to lay down and snooze or do something else (which my passions are ok with).

I think that in a way it is tied into what God said to Cain in Genesis 4:7 where it talks about sins desire to control and how Cain should control it. At least it reminds me some of that passage. Sigh.

So, yes. I am beginning to write in here again, hopefully to keep it up. In an effort to do so I have made blogger my homepage so that everytime i go onto the internet there is it! -- waiting for me to log in and write. So yeah, here goes. Hopefully I am going to be more disciplined, and maybe being more disciplined in this one area of my life will help to rub off on other parts of my life. Please Jesus, help me to do Your will and to become more like that man that You desire for me to be. In Jesus name, amen.