Dealing with mistakes

I used to know what I believed and why I believed it. But somehow along the way I stopped believing what I believed and instead started to try to believe what everyone else did. The truth no longer mattered to me. What mattered to me was fitting in. Sure I fit in a whole lot better, but at what cost? I found myself working to fit into something that I didn’t believe totally in the first place. Don’t get me wrong. There are parts of it I do believe, but there are many more parts that I am left without a conclusion on. And these are the questions that I gave up in favor for a more peaceful co-existance with the people I have grown up with.

The major question that bothers me currently is “How do I get back to thinking as an individual and not as a blind follower.” Maybe this is what that dream meant. (I am refering to a dream that I had in Ohio about a sheep struggling in it’s automated pen.) I was the sheep struggling to get free of the automated system. And I indeed have fallen into the trap of the automated christian circle… just going along to fit in. I tried to believe to fit in. Instead of being reasonable I pushed my reasoning aside and attempted to believe things that blatantly contradicted what I had believed before.

I feel as if I have been hedged in for so long that I am having trouble separating myself from simply going along with others. I am having trouble separating my rational processes from the fears and emotions. There is an invisible fence around my thinking that I installed and now I am trying to find my way out.

Some may ask why i need to get out. I need to get out because I am tired of trying to live a life that I know deep inside is only half true. Plus, I cannot think and rationally process things very well. It is as if that center of my brain has been clouded or shut down. There is a hedge and I want it gone.

Now, this understanding is good and all, but I still find myself without ability to do so. There is still something in me that is keeping me from fully engaging down this path. I remember at one point breaking mentally, literally feeling as if something snapped because of the stress between what I was coming to believe and the sheer horror of being rejected. From that point on it seemed as if the truth no longer mattered. I remember writing in my journal that it felt as if I no longer cared about the truth. I just wanted the pain to go away. It scared me… because one of my fundamental convictions, at least before that time, was to be as authentic and genuine as possible. I wanted to be real to myself and to the world around me. But the stress literally became so great that the conviction that I had for the truth was left a tattered mess, only a shadow of what once was.

It is from this place that I am attempting to rebuild that conviction. I am attempting to engage in this journey once again, trying to to rebuild the ruins of my mind so that they may endure the testing that comes. They say a bone that is broken is stronger the second time around, lets just hope that the same is with the rampart of my convictions and mind.

Fear of being hurt

Sometimes you never know how deep a wound goes, especially the ones that happen to us during childhood. This past few years have been enlightening as far as my past is concerned. I have discovered several important things about myself. I have seen where some of my strengths may lie and also where some of my weaknesses are. But this one, this stubborn enigma, has stayed veiled beneath the lenses through which I view reality. That is, perhaps until now.

I am beginning to see more and more where my fear of being hurt or rejected has shaped the way that I form relationships and get along with other people. I used to believe that trust was an easy thing for me. At least, I didn’t think that my trust was so inhibited, but now I believe that I may have been fooling myself all along. Tonight I realized that I might not be letting people in after all.

While I was talking to my lovely : ) girlfriend i was reflecting on my other relationships with friends and family. I noted that I didn’t really feel sad or an intense feeling of missing someone under normal circumstances (and even under some very un-normal ones as well). When i left my home state, my friends, most of my family and didn’t know if I would be back again I didn’t feel that sad or torn. Sadly the same thing is happening in my relationship with my girlfriend albeit at a veerry different level, (i think would definitely have some reservations against leaving her and it would be hard for me, especially if i didn’t know if i was going to return). This is what leads me to believe that I may not be letting people into my life as I should.

After a nasty incident of feeling rejected when I was little (at least i think this could be the cause) I don’t think that I put much trust in people. This was further developed by (or was it is developed into….)a pressure to do everything myself. I generally didn’t depend on anyone else for help. I tried to do things alone and, as many in my school growing up can vouch for, I didn’t speak much to other people. Now i have trouble depending on other people for anything. But isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? I have perhaps avoided a lot of letdown, but still, isn’t the occasional letdown worth the reconciliation and the intimacy that follows?

Now I have come to the part of the story that i need to do something about it. But what do I do? What can I change to open up my heart to trust others more easily? Perhaps I learn to depend on them. Perhaps I start to put trust in them. I know that I cannot put my full trust in them because they will let me down at some time or another, but God won’t.

… How does this affect my relationship with Him?

Do I not trust Him? My mind needs reconciliation with my heart over these questions of inerrancy, science, reason, truth, and faith… or does it? Is it simply a matter of trust? But I know if I try to just do that the nagging will never go away. I cannot ignore these things, yet i must find a way to trust Him in the meantime. Or are those things antithetical? To have questions and to trust? No they aren’t. One can be sure of the answer, but not know how it works… thus still having questions. But, i guess I am not so sure of the answer. Please God, help me. I think this all centers around inerrancy/science/faith.

Wait… can i not have faith and trust in the moment regardless? Couldn’t it be possible for me to not know the answers to my questions of science/faith/inerrancy (and still seeking them) but still to trust that God is there regardless or not of whether my presuppositions about the science/faith/inerrancy issue are true? If they are true then it is complicated. (if inerrant=faith in scriptures easier, reconciliation with science harder) If they are false it is complicated. (if not inerrant= faith in accuracy of scriptures harder, relationship with science much much easier) There is no getting around the issue. It is going to be complicated whether i like it or not. Perhaps i really need to search this issue out and get to the bottom of it… though I can do it trusting that He is there and He is true regardless.

Oh well, I got derailed for a little bit there. Still, there is much to do and much yet to be unlocked about why I am the way I am. For now I will try to trust God more while seeking answers and I will try to depend on other people more while trying to find out what it means to do that while not placing them as idols in my heart. Please help me Jesus. I really need it in this right now. Amen,

No time like the present

Hey all! I haven’t updated in a while and since I am up anyways tonight and I can’t do much about it (because i’ve come down with a case of the stomach flu O.o) I might as well write a blog entry.

Well, a lot of things have happened since I last posted on this blog. I have graduated from my university and now have two B.A.’s. I have one in Biblical Studies: Theology and Ethics emphasis and one in Contemporary Christian Ministry. Currently I am still looking for a job though.

One hard thing about looking for a job is that I do not want to use my majors to get me a job in ministry. This may sound a little weird, but let me explain. I am already involved in a ministry and i wouldn’t want to leave it simply because it pays better.

There is another issue however. I would like to see myself in a better spot spiritually before I took on any paid ministry position. I don’t feel as if my spiritual walk is as good as it could be. Of course I have to be careful because I tend to be a perfectionist. I think that if even one part of my walk with God is off I feel like it isn’t good enough. My sense of perfectionism can be problematic.

Let’s see. Other than that, things are going good with my lovely girlfriend : ) She is wonderful and patient with me. Alright. I think I am going to sign off for now. Maybe I can get some rest now. Please pray for me all that I will get over this soon. Thanks! bye!