5 Good things about today 7 23 08 edition. haha

1. I had a bit of leftover beef teriyaki for part of my lunch. The rice wasn't that great but oooooooooh! was the beef good. :-D haha

2. I am going to be able to go over to my friends house tonight to pack for tomorrow! we are heading out to the youth conference in Lompoc, California at 4:00 in the morning. I think it can be a fun trip.

3. Today was the last day of work for the week!! hurray!!! haha

4. I am able to write these things out in the library and I have been able to think about more of what is going on inside of me. (Think and perhaps understand it more, but only by God's grace.)

5. Uuuuumm. I gotta go, so this might seem silly. But, I was able to have some snacks during the first part of my day. That was kewl. i bought them last night and kind of felt bad about spending the money, but. Hey, it tasted alright this morning. Oooo... i had half a poppy seed muffin this morning too.

haha alright. I'll talk to you guys later!

What are your top 5 good things of the day?

Looking in the mirror

I have been thinking a lot today about what drives me. I have always regarded myself as someone who was seeking after the truth; someone who wanted to know what is real. And while I can say that it might be true to an extent, I believe I have uncovered a more disturbing reality behind the push for understanding and knowledge. I think I have a lot of brokenness inside. (Now, I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything. Just to get it out and better understand it.)

I think that basically, at the root of it all, I have some deep insecurities about myself. I don't feel like I am good enough or worth enough or something like that. At least I have a low view of myself; that I am someone worthy of being rejected and such.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I think it is a combination of what I am feeling and the evidence as exemplified through my life. I think that the reason I push so hard to understand is so that I can feel better about myself. I have a tendency to want to know the truth and tell others the truth. But, i know that I do not feel a tendency toward gentleness, but rather a push of arrogance in that display of knowledge. In some ways I wonder if it is similar to the plight of the bully, except I have a push to be an intellectual bully. The bully in the physical treats others badly, exerting power over others sometimes to make himself feel more secure, to make himself feel as if he is good enough or strong enough. Generally, what I am trying to get at is that his insecurities manifest in a manner that abuses others. Now my abuse is not really one that has manifested itself very much. It probably has at one time or another, but thanks be to God that He has given me enough self control to curtail it. However, regardless of whether the action comes out, I feel it bubbling on the inside.

So, I feel that I have some deep insecurities that drive me to desire to be better than others in my knowledge of things. To be at the top to tell and know the truth, not to help others but to salve the deep hurt on my soul that says that I am not good enough. The big problem is, how can this be fixed? How can my soul be healed from the pain it feels deep inside? The only thing I can think to do is give it to God. But, what does that mean? These feelings still surface and the struggle continues. What will it take to mend this soul?

My soul will be mended by knowing my identity in Christ. If I can know and truly understand who I am in the light of who He is then my weary soul will be at rest and I can have peace and truly start to become who God created me to be. Please pray for me. Thanks

5 Good things about today

Alright, so, in an effort to improve my outlook on life I am trying to start thinking about five good things from my day. (sometimes I can get so wrapped up with my difficulties that I forget to see the blessings.) Sooooo, here goes.

1. I was able to talk a little bit to Bogdon about some of what is going on in my faith. That is good. : )

2. The car started this morning! We were getting ready for work and my dad decided to go get some gas for the car. But! when he went out to start the car... dun dun dun... it wouldn't start. We have had this problem on and off for a while. The security light blinks when we turn the key and taunts us. it goes... "blink blink blink... hahaha." Really, it comes through the speakers. haha jk ;-) but really it does blink. Anyways, after a little bit of fiddling around with it my dad was able to get it started! that was really kewl too

3. hmmmmmmm. I am able to come to the library and type down these things. That is good. Trying to get back to an authentic faith and an authentic person. That is good too. Thats two things, but I will count them as one today.

4. I didn't get a bunch of white thingies in my hair from being up near the ceiling! that is good too. I remember last week after I was up near a ceiling I had several in my hair. I might have had one or two today. But I don't think it was like last week.

5. I was able to get a little extra sleep in today! that was good. I slept until 6:40 instead of 6:00 or 6:20.

Please pray for me all. I need God's help to get me through all this. Thanks!

Becoming Real

I think that for a while I have struggled with being real with myself about where I am in my faith and such. And, so, as the title implies I am feeling as if I need to become more real. I need to be more honest with myself about such things. This doesn't come on the heels of random chance, but rather I feel as if perhaps God is guiding me back to this place.

I feel as though my walk with God for the last few years off and on has been less than desireable. I have struggled at times to keep believing, but at some times I feel more faith and belief than I have felt in a long time. I have in a way betrayed the purpose of this blog because I haven't been openly portaying my Christian walk and the struggles that I am facing. Hopefully that perhaps can be remedied.

I honestly don't know where to begin.

But I do believe in a real faith, an authenitic faith.

There was a time in my life where I was hard core on fire for God. I didn't really feel a lot of doubts. I had lots of faith and belief. But now I have come to a lower point in my faith where I am riddled with all kinds of doubts and stuff. It was so much so at one point that it seemed as if something inside me snapped... because I was wrestling with faith and doubt to the limit of mental exhaustion. And I think that at that point I stopped being real with myself about where I was and what I believed. I stopped trying to figure out the truth and started to simply survive as a Christian.

Now it seems I am being urged back into the pursuit of truth. And perhaps this is indeed where God is leading me. The reason i say this is because I really wonder if the only way that my faith will ever be strong again is if I let go of trying to survive and start owning up to where I really am and go from there.

I feel as though I have stopped in the race, sat on the ground with my ears plugged and simply tried to sing the doubts away. (but all along I didn't think to much about, or i ignored the fact that I also stopped moving in my faith as well.) So, to put it simply, I feel as though my efforts to remain faithful have perhaps, in a way, subverted my walk with Christ. My efforts to remain have kept me from an authentic faith.

I was talking to pastor Loren about some of these things and he definitely feels that I should pursue the truth. And I believe that I am coming to see that it needs to be done authentically. Thats the only way my problems in faith are ever going to be resolved... through an honest search, not a desperate attempt to survive. There is a lot of work that needs to be done. I have gotten so many little tweaks in my faith. But it is true that there are not too many that an all powerful God could not get out.

I am seeking the truth; asking Christ to guide me; for the Holy Spirit's help. Honesty, perhaps that is what I really need.