Fear of being hurt

Sometimes you never know how deep a wound goes, especially the ones that happen to us during childhood. This past few years have been enlightening as far as my past is concerned. I have discovered several important things about myself. I have seen where some of my strengths may lie and also where some of my weaknesses are. But this one, this stubborn enigma, has stayed veiled beneath the lenses through which I view reality. That is, perhaps until now.

I am beginning to see more and more where my fear of being hurt or rejected has shaped the way that I form relationships and get along with other people. I used to believe that trust was an easy thing for me. At least, I didn’t think that my trust was so inhibited, but now I believe that I may have been fooling myself all along. Tonight I realized that I might not be letting people in after all.

While I was talking to my lovely : ) girlfriend i was reflecting on my other relationships with friends and family. I noted that I didn’t really feel sad or an intense feeling of missing someone under normal circumstances (and even under some very un-normal ones as well). When i left my home state, my friends, most of my family and didn’t know if I would be back again I didn’t feel that sad or torn. Sadly the same thing is happening in my relationship with my girlfriend albeit at a veerry different level, (i think would definitely have some reservations against leaving her and it would be hard for me, especially if i didn’t know if i was going to return). This is what leads me to believe that I may not be letting people into my life as I should.

After a nasty incident of feeling rejected when I was little (at least i think this could be the cause) I don’t think that I put much trust in people. This was further developed by (or was it is developed into….)a pressure to do everything myself. I generally didn’t depend on anyone else for help. I tried to do things alone and, as many in my school growing up can vouch for, I didn’t speak much to other people. Now i have trouble depending on other people for anything. But isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? I have perhaps avoided a lot of letdown, but still, isn’t the occasional letdown worth the reconciliation and the intimacy that follows?

Now I have come to the part of the story that i need to do something about it. But what do I do? What can I change to open up my heart to trust others more easily? Perhaps I learn to depend on them. Perhaps I start to put trust in them. I know that I cannot put my full trust in them because they will let me down at some time or another, but God won’t.

… How does this affect my relationship with Him?

Do I not trust Him? My mind needs reconciliation with my heart over these questions of inerrancy, science, reason, truth, and faith… or does it? Is it simply a matter of trust? But I know if I try to just do that the nagging will never go away. I cannot ignore these things, yet i must find a way to trust Him in the meantime. Or are those things antithetical? To have questions and to trust? No they aren’t. One can be sure of the answer, but not know how it works… thus still having questions. But, i guess I am not so sure of the answer. Please God, help me. I think this all centers around inerrancy/science/faith.

Wait… can i not have faith and trust in the moment regardless? Couldn’t it be possible for me to not know the answers to my questions of science/faith/inerrancy (and still seeking them) but still to trust that God is there regardless or not of whether my presuppositions about the science/faith/inerrancy issue are true? If they are true then it is complicated. (if inerrant=faith in scriptures easier, reconciliation with science harder) If they are false it is complicated. (if not inerrant= faith in accuracy of scriptures harder, relationship with science much much easier) There is no getting around the issue. It is going to be complicated whether i like it or not. Perhaps i really need to search this issue out and get to the bottom of it… though I can do it trusting that He is there and He is true regardless.

Oh well, I got derailed for a little bit there. Still, there is much to do and much yet to be unlocked about why I am the way I am. For now I will try to trust God more while seeking answers and I will try to depend on other people more while trying to find out what it means to do that while not placing them as idols in my heart. Please help me Jesus. I really need it in this right now. Amen,