Coming to the end of Self-pity.... I hope

Alright, so I think that I have sat on my bum for too long feeling bad and horribly bleh on the inside. I have had this huge controversy and competition going on inside my head between the realms of faith and doubt and have just ... kind of... sank into the mud. I just mulled over everything over and over again. And I haven't had the compulsion to do anything about it, until now. I am tired of wading around, no, sinking in the midst of the pit of dispair about my condition. If I am ever going to get over this I need to get up and do something about it.

So, here I am going. I am attempting to stand up and start walking. How might you ask? I am going to actually start researching the things that are causing me problems. I am going to start researching the objects of my doubt. I am going to learn more about these "facts" and claims that are causing me problems. And, I am also going to have to examine myself and keep an open mind. If I can't keep an open mind, maybe I can't keep my integrity. I don't want to just close my mind.

Part of me is scared though.

I don't know what is going to happen. But I figure that this is the only way I am ever going to be able to be a on fire Christian with a strong conviction toward what I believe. I am passing through the fire. I'm tired of sitting at the gate moping about how hard it is or is going to be. In some ways I feel that this path is the only way through this.

Then part of me thinks... should I just trust what I have been taught? Should I just ignore what evidence is saying or should I pursue what is found to be compelling? In other words, should I just trust God that He is who He is, or should I address my questions full on in an attempt to find the truth? (Though I think that if I tried simply to just trust it would tear me apart because I don't think I would ever be fully convinced with my whole faculties... both in head and in heart. There would always be this lingering bit of ... "?")

One of the key things about Christianity though is a strong conviction about the truth and wisdom and understanding. So, pursuing the truth could in fact be exactly what God would want me to do. But, what about the parts that say that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And what if the truth you are questioning is with the Lord Himself? Would God condemn an honest seeker and not allow Him to find the truth. In some ways I think that an open mind is a sign of true humility. (But can't steadfast conviction also be a sign of absolute trust?... something that God really desires?)

So, my condition of just sitting here, while it in part may be because of self-pity, is also because of a conflict of interests. I don't want to turn away and yet I want to seek the truth. Those two seem to be in opposition to each other. I don't want to walk from what I have been taught and yet I have a strong conviction that the truth must be sought and that I cannot live in full integrity until I am living fully in what I believe. I am torn.

Is it ok for me to search? Is it a moral obligation for me to do so? And yet, should I try to remain faithful? And what does that look like?

Regardless, being stuck in a stalemate isn't helping me at all. I have found that with research and searching comes a greater sense of clarity about the vague issues we worry about. So, perhaps, the only thing I can do is start searching and researching. (But again I feel torn because I feel as if I am refusing to just trust... O.o.... I don't want to be stuck... and if I step away from searching I don't feel that I will ever be the person I could be... constantly held back by doubt... and if I search... I worry that the fire may be too intense; however....

...even if the fire is intense... can God not carry me through? If He is really there, then of course He is more than able. So, why should I worry? If I search and trust Him to lead me through, even through the times I may loose sight of Him and stray.. to a place where perhaps my faith is more refined than ever before... and things seem so much clearer and brighter than before... then He will lead me through and I will have nothing to worry about. Maybe I just need to trust God that if He is really there, He will lead me through the storm. It may not be easy... and I can't give up and sit down in self-pity... but maybe this is the most worthwhile pursuit that I can undertake right now. (but is it more worthwhile than just trying to trust...... sigh)

One thing is clear though. I shouldn't do this alone. Alone, I am weak and see things from only one perspective. God please give me strength and people that I can talk to about these things. Help me to find a community to grow in and ask questions where it is safe. Please Lord, guide me and my life. Please help me. In Jesus name, amen.

Thinking about what happened

(note: yes, this post is a bit confusing at times because my mind is bouncing around addressing questions from its own avenues of thinking. If it doesn't seem coherent, then it probably isn't... at least not without a bit of intuative reading. Sorry all. I don't really feel like editing it right now. I'm gonna go to bed. latas!)


Tonight I have been thinking a lot about my faith, and I think that, at least in part, I have come to see what happened to me to get me to the sad state that I have been in. I think I had becomed disillusioned with Christians and the way that they actually lived compared to everyone else in the world.

As time went on, since my time back from Ohio, I have seen less and less difference between people who call themselves Christians and the world around me. But, that(!) I believe has been my passion, my hiding passion if you will; my passion to see the church become everything that it was "supposed" to be. I don't think that I believe in an idealized early church as much as I believe that we can return to authentic faith that is intentionally separated from sin. (not that you can become truly perfect here on earth, or that our efforts toward purity somehow save us... that isn't true; but rather that we have a faith that chooses not to involve ourselves in things that promote sin) I don't know. It's all one of those things you desire... that if you aren't careful can lead to legalism. But I think that that tension is there. It's a desire to be separate from sin, but to not go into a legalistic spirit.

hmmm. Lord, please ignite Your truth inside of me. Help me to burn with Your fire and to be Yours. Help me with my doubts and frustrations. Help me through my difficult times and help me to remember You in the good times. In Jesus name, amen!

Part of this discovery was that I realized that even if God showed up and revealed Himself to me directly, I seriously questioned whether or not it would still get through to me. My heart has become hard, but God's hand is ever the potter's hand who can mold me and give me a new, soft hard that is tender to His will.

Please do keep me in yours prayers.

Also, I think I discovered that I have been wallowing in self-pity. I'm still trying to figure out if that is totally true or not, but if so, I need to stop mopeing and get moving.

Peace in Christ to you all

Thinking about the truth

I have been thinking about my state as a Christian so far. Right now, I don't think that I am doing so well. I think that I am a sick Christian... that my spiritual health is not great. So, I have turned to some introspection.

Please Lord as I write this post, guide my words, my mind, my heart, and my thoughts. Protect me from the enemy and show me the truth. In Jesus name, amen.

My latest considerations have been about truth. Now, first of all, this is not about the validity or such of an absolute truth. I believe that there is an absolute truth out there. No, this is rather about my current apathy concerning trying to find the truth. My attitude toward finding and knowing the truth has become indifferent. In a way, I no longer care. let me explain.

For the last three or so years I have been struggling in my faith with some serious doubt complications. The sad thing is that while I would get boosts of spiritual caffiene or some kind of spiritual high, the malady of my condition was never addressed. I still had those doubts resting underneath.

Doubts; these were not your stray thought kind of doubts that you quickly recover from. These were serious questions that I had that were never answered, and this coupled with a disillusionment in my experience with God (which is not His fault) created quite a bit of inner turmoil on top of my previous problems.

However, as I was having those doubts I had always had the desire to know the truth. That, in fact, was one of the reasons why the doubts were possible in the first place. I wanted to know the truth. What I had learned about Christianity, the Bible, and experience didn't seem to line up with what I saw and experienced. So, naturally, I wondered why. One of the tenets that I held to firmly at this time was an attitude similar to "question everything." This, at the least, was a part in my life that I held to intellectual integrity. I had serious doubts and wanted to know the truth, even if it was something hard.

I think that changed. A year or so ago the stress from the doubts and my longing desire to keep holding to Christianity created a mental conflict so intense that there was a very noticeable mental "snap." It wasn't like I went crazy or anything. I think I just lost all desire to know the truth. I no longer cared. In fact I wrote in my journals that it was as if I really didn't care anymore. (this, of course, bothered me) I wonder now if it was at that point that my intellectual integrity was compromised.

Suffice to say, I now find myself in a relationship with God that seems fake and contrived though I know there is a desire in my heart for it. He just doesn't seem real anymore, even if I keep going. That has been my motto. Just keep going, hoping that God will reveal Himself to me. And, I don't plan on giving up either. In fact, if I think back about my relationship with God, it often felt like I was the kid on the outside looking in... the one that sat and watched everyone else commune with God, but didn't get to have that luxury unless I exerted an extreme amount of spiritual striving. Not that I never felt that such things occured... it was just that it took a lot of effort on my part before I felt like God took notice and showed up. (and not always... there have been some times when He has just shown up, but the biggest part has been out of striving... at least I feel)

So, its not that I feel I am not seeking after Christ, I just feel like I am in a bad dream that I cannot wake up from, and I am having doubts about whether or not this is the dream. I need some serious prayer from my friends and family out there.

But yes, back to the issue of truth. I want to re-integrate what was split on that day. I want to gain my intellectual integrity back. I want to seek after the truth and not after comfortability. If God is the truth then He should show Himself as such, right? Honest reflection and searching should point me in the right direction, as well as who He is... and His part in all of this. Plus I have a feeling that He would want me to have intellectual integrity as well. Perhaps, Christ would urge an honest search for the truth.

So, I sit here typing this, thinking this, but feeling totally different. I don't have that strong drive for the truth burning in me right now. In fact, right now I feel rather apathetic toward it all. But, something keeps pushing me to it. I wonder if maybe this could even be God's plan for me... to search for the answers to the questions that I have and to have honest reflection on them, so that others might be encouraged by what I find... perhaps others will come to Christ through this.

Just pray for me. I keep going by God's grace, but am trying to re-integrate this desire for truth... and the desire to search honestly. I have caved, but God can help me to re-integrate and find the truth that I never felt I had fully grasped.

This is Home - Swtichfoot Music Video

and! Just for kicks....! yeah!!! haha

God and I, and Jon Foreman

You know, sometimes I get really concerned about my relationship with God and what is going to happen, but I think that God is doing a work in me : ) He is moving me back toward Him and He is holding me and helping me through all of this. I was listening tonight to a few tracks by Jon Foreman, from his "Summer" album. I must say that some of it isn't exactly my style, but it isn't so much the style that wraps me in as much as it is how profound the lyrics are. I have always been a fan of Jon's music since I realized the depth that lie beneath the surface of the lyrics. There has been many a song that struck a heart chord within me. It resonates with my soul in a beautiful dance.

anyways, I was listening to a track by him tonight called "again." You can listen to it at http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman. It struck me and I felt a bit of reassurance that God is bringing me back to a closer relationship with Him.

(another incredible song is "instead of a show." Go check it out! No, seriously. haha, if you can and you have the time, check it out.)

But anyways, I think that I am going to go to bed now. It is pretty late and I am getting up around 6:30 or so. So, i'll catch you all later and keep the Lord at the center of your heart. (haha of course by His grace and power entirely)

"... that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Phil 1:6b NKJV

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christi Jesus has also laid hold of me." Phil 3:12 NKJV

lata!

5 Good things about today 7 23 08 edition. haha

1. I had a bit of leftover beef teriyaki for part of my lunch. The rice wasn't that great but oooooooooh! was the beef good. :-D haha

2. I am going to be able to go over to my friends house tonight to pack for tomorrow! we are heading out to the youth conference in Lompoc, California at 4:00 in the morning. I think it can be a fun trip.

3. Today was the last day of work for the week!! hurray!!! haha

4. I am able to write these things out in the library and I have been able to think about more of what is going on inside of me. (Think and perhaps understand it more, but only by God's grace.)

5. Uuuuumm. I gotta go, so this might seem silly. But, I was able to have some snacks during the first part of my day. That was kewl. i bought them last night and kind of felt bad about spending the money, but. Hey, it tasted alright this morning. Oooo... i had half a poppy seed muffin this morning too.

haha alright. I'll talk to you guys later!

What are your top 5 good things of the day?

Looking in the mirror

I have been thinking a lot today about what drives me. I have always regarded myself as someone who was seeking after the truth; someone who wanted to know what is real. And while I can say that it might be true to an extent, I believe I have uncovered a more disturbing reality behind the push for understanding and knowledge. I think I have a lot of brokenness inside. (Now, I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything. Just to get it out and better understand it.)

I think that basically, at the root of it all, I have some deep insecurities about myself. I don't feel like I am good enough or worth enough or something like that. At least I have a low view of myself; that I am someone worthy of being rejected and such.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I think it is a combination of what I am feeling and the evidence as exemplified through my life. I think that the reason I push so hard to understand is so that I can feel better about myself. I have a tendency to want to know the truth and tell others the truth. But, i know that I do not feel a tendency toward gentleness, but rather a push of arrogance in that display of knowledge. In some ways I wonder if it is similar to the plight of the bully, except I have a push to be an intellectual bully. The bully in the physical treats others badly, exerting power over others sometimes to make himself feel more secure, to make himself feel as if he is good enough or strong enough. Generally, what I am trying to get at is that his insecurities manifest in a manner that abuses others. Now my abuse is not really one that has manifested itself very much. It probably has at one time or another, but thanks be to God that He has given me enough self control to curtail it. However, regardless of whether the action comes out, I feel it bubbling on the inside.

So, I feel that I have some deep insecurities that drive me to desire to be better than others in my knowledge of things. To be at the top to tell and know the truth, not to help others but to salve the deep hurt on my soul that says that I am not good enough. The big problem is, how can this be fixed? How can my soul be healed from the pain it feels deep inside? The only thing I can think to do is give it to God. But, what does that mean? These feelings still surface and the struggle continues. What will it take to mend this soul?

My soul will be mended by knowing my identity in Christ. If I can know and truly understand who I am in the light of who He is then my weary soul will be at rest and I can have peace and truly start to become who God created me to be. Please pray for me. Thanks

5 Good things about today

Alright, so, in an effort to improve my outlook on life I am trying to start thinking about five good things from my day. (sometimes I can get so wrapped up with my difficulties that I forget to see the blessings.) Sooooo, here goes.

1. I was able to talk a little bit to Bogdon about some of what is going on in my faith. That is good. : )

2. The car started this morning! We were getting ready for work and my dad decided to go get some gas for the car. But! when he went out to start the car... dun dun dun... it wouldn't start. We have had this problem on and off for a while. The security light blinks when we turn the key and taunts us. it goes... "blink blink blink... hahaha." Really, it comes through the speakers. haha jk ;-) but really it does blink. Anyways, after a little bit of fiddling around with it my dad was able to get it started! that was really kewl too

3. hmmmmmmm. I am able to come to the library and type down these things. That is good. Trying to get back to an authentic faith and an authentic person. That is good too. Thats two things, but I will count them as one today.

4. I didn't get a bunch of white thingies in my hair from being up near the ceiling! that is good too. I remember last week after I was up near a ceiling I had several in my hair. I might have had one or two today. But I don't think it was like last week.

5. I was able to get a little extra sleep in today! that was good. I slept until 6:40 instead of 6:00 or 6:20.

Please pray for me all. I need God's help to get me through all this. Thanks!

Becoming Real

I think that for a while I have struggled with being real with myself about where I am in my faith and such. And, so, as the title implies I am feeling as if I need to become more real. I need to be more honest with myself about such things. This doesn't come on the heels of random chance, but rather I feel as if perhaps God is guiding me back to this place.

I feel as though my walk with God for the last few years off and on has been less than desireable. I have struggled at times to keep believing, but at some times I feel more faith and belief than I have felt in a long time. I have in a way betrayed the purpose of this blog because I haven't been openly portaying my Christian walk and the struggles that I am facing. Hopefully that perhaps can be remedied.

I honestly don't know where to begin.

But I do believe in a real faith, an authenitic faith.

There was a time in my life where I was hard core on fire for God. I didn't really feel a lot of doubts. I had lots of faith and belief. But now I have come to a lower point in my faith where I am riddled with all kinds of doubts and stuff. It was so much so at one point that it seemed as if something inside me snapped... because I was wrestling with faith and doubt to the limit of mental exhaustion. And I think that at that point I stopped being real with myself about where I was and what I believed. I stopped trying to figure out the truth and started to simply survive as a Christian.

Now it seems I am being urged back into the pursuit of truth. And perhaps this is indeed where God is leading me. The reason i say this is because I really wonder if the only way that my faith will ever be strong again is if I let go of trying to survive and start owning up to where I really am and go from there.

I feel as though I have stopped in the race, sat on the ground with my ears plugged and simply tried to sing the doubts away. (but all along I didn't think to much about, or i ignored the fact that I also stopped moving in my faith as well.) So, to put it simply, I feel as though my efforts to remain faithful have perhaps, in a way, subverted my walk with Christ. My efforts to remain have kept me from an authentic faith.

I was talking to pastor Loren about some of these things and he definitely feels that I should pursue the truth. And I believe that I am coming to see that it needs to be done authentically. Thats the only way my problems in faith are ever going to be resolved... through an honest search, not a desperate attempt to survive. There is a lot of work that needs to be done. I have gotten so many little tweaks in my faith. But it is true that there are not too many that an all powerful God could not get out.

I am seeking the truth; asking Christ to guide me; for the Holy Spirit's help. Honesty, perhaps that is what I really need.

God Addict

I went to God thinking that He could solve my problem, but He didn’t. Not because He couldn’t, but because His solution wasn’t what I was looking for. The solution I was looking for was similar to the newlywed experience… or the just started dating experience. I felt accepted because of the feelings and the experience that I was having with Him. When that feeling and experience went away I might not have felt accepted anymore. I kept going back to God more and more and could it be that just like a drug I needed more and more of it in order to get the same kind of high? But that high, that solution had to require more and more of me… more devotion… more time reading… more time doing all the stuff that I should in order to be close to God.

I had the pain. God was my drug.

But it never solved to problem. It never got across to me that I was accepted… the only thing that happened was the pain went away. And when I stopped feeling the effects of the drug, for whatever reason… whether not doing it enough or whatever, I began to feel as if God was rejecting me. And perhaps if I couldn’t attain that feeling, then I wasn’t accepted. That feeling meant I was accepted and if I did not have that feeling, I was sure or at least felt… maybe not sure…that I wasn’t.

I was a God addict.

He isn’t there primarily to take away the pain. Something is causing the pain and it needs to be dealt with. The closeness I felt brought peace to my heart, but it was only a drug to cover the symptom, because when that feeling went away, whether it was true or not, I did not feel accepted. I felt rejected.

I pursued Him as the solution to my pain, but the drug didn’t work. It was never supposed to work like that. You can’t mask the pain all the time, you have to get the thorn out. You can’t go to God to primarily solve your pain. Otherwise you are just chasing another type of drug.

I fought so hard and long to be close to God, not because I loved Him or stuff like that, but rather because He took away the pain. But, because those experiences do not last forever, the pain continued and resurfaced. This might have pushed me on toward more and more devotion, but it never did anything to the inner condition that caused the pain in the first place.

Perhaps it also reinforced that idea that I had to do this this and this to be accepted. I had to do the right thing in order to be accepted. I had to please people to gain their favor and acceptance. I didn’t believe that I could be accepted or that I was accepted just for who I was. Just for who I am.

My issue is acceptance. I don’t believe, because of events that occurred to me early on in life, that I can be accepted just for who I am. That is my problem, and I don’t need a fix to cover the pain. I need to understand that I am accepted. I need to know that I am cared for by God regardless of what I have done or will do. I need to know that I am unconditionally accepted. I need to know the truth… and the truth will set me free.

(Thanks to Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz; his thoughts sparked a tangent in my mind that led me here… and first and foremost to God, who guided me with those thoughts.)

Stumbling on Job

So, today I opened up to the book of Job and read for a while. I'm not exactly why I turned it there but the first part of it got me interested. I kept reading and pretty much skipped to around the end when Elihu speaks to Job about God's righteousness and goodness. And I think it really hit me deep inside.

You see, I have, for the past few years, had this feeling that I was being unjustly or unfairly treated by God. I had read the book of Job before but I had never realized as much of the fullness of the meaning as I have now. I believe that I accused God of treating me unfairly. I was angry, upset on the inside. But Elihu's comments got to me. God is just and not only that he is righteous and good. Who am I to think that I could judge God?

I was also upset because I felt as if I wanted to come to Him, begging Him to let me in, but He just wouldn't. I felt that I had done my part but God was just letting me hang. I felt as if I was doing what was right and He wasn't doing His part of the deal. Then BAM, by reading Job I realized that I had been seeing myself as more righteous than God was.

Whatever difficulties we go through in life and whatever happens we can know and trust that God is just, God is righteous, God is good, and that He is in control. If we ever get to the place that we start condemning God or thinking that we have been unjustly treated by Him then we are treading on dangerous ground. For who has any right to speak to God like that. Can I stand in a position to say, "God, I know better than you do about this"? Do we dare speak to the one who sees every aspect and angle of every situation and complain that He doesn't know what He is doing? It is pride in our hearts and evil to think that we could know righteousness and truth and justice better than God.

We need to trust, no matter what, that not only can God do whatever He wants because He is God, but that He, along with that, is always righteous, is always good, is always just. He is a God full of loving-kindness and mercy.

I used to look at the Old Testament and complain in my mind about how God seemed to do some pretty horrible stuff. "How could he be a God of love" I would say. But if you look you see that the character of God shown in the Old Testament is one of especially great love, kindness, and mercy. Just take a look at the book of Jonah. Sometimes we seem to think that we can judge God from our tiny miniscule angles. We just can't.