...pain

There is a pain that I have been dealing with, that I have been carrying around in my heart for a long time. I don't know how to deal with it and I am not sure that I know where it came from. I just wish it would go away. It is deep and supressed, and produces a dull numb feeling on the inside that I cannot seem to shake very often.

I do believe that things are getting better though. There has been all kinds of good things going on in my life right now. There has also been a good share of sad things. But God has helped me to get through those things knowing that He will carry me through. It doesn't mean that I won't miss those parts of my life, but that I know He has all things in His hands.

I know that this pain on the inside will not swallow me up because God has me in His arms, but I just wish that I could let go. It's not that I don't want to let go, it's not that I have some desire deep inside to keep holding on. I just don't know how to let go. Today i felt it to the point of just wanting to go and be alone by myself and talk to God about it. You know, He is a good refuge.

I just want to be happy again...

I could keep typing, going into all the things that I think it has to deal with. Maybe I would find peices to the puzzle of why I keep holding on to something that I want to drop to the ground. I remember a traumatic experience from my past, but even when thinking abou tit I am numb. I just want to be free! Christ brings freedom. It is coming, I just wish it was now.

: )

It feels good.

Thats whay I have to say.

It feels good to be getting back to being close with God. I can't say that I'm like super close, but I want to be. Things in my life are changing. It's not even just a feeling, but also seeing parts of me changing ... not because of anything that I can do, but because God's Word and His Holy Spirit is working on my life from the inside out. All glory for this goes to God because without His patience and His grace, there is no way that things would be coming back to this. This is His work in my life, not my own. He is doing this in me. Of course I make the effort to draw near, but still, it is because of Him. All good things are because of our Lord. Blessed be His name :-D!

I will praise the Lord! The One who is to be praised above all else, the one for whom I now live, the one who provided me with a way out of this death coming upon us all. Jesus, you rock!!!! There is no one like You and I couldn't find someone who touches my heart and gives me such peace as You, not if I looked for the rest of time. There is none like You....

Yep...

It feels good!

: )

God's Plan

Last night, I was thinking a lot about God’s perfect will for our lives and such. I was riding in the car to go practice when it popped up in my mind. I was thinking of just passing it by, saving the thought for another time, but, I decided to entertain it for a while. I felt something good would come from it. What I basically came to the realization of was something that changed the way I look at my life, and it might yours too. That is why I am writing it in here.

I am not going to include a big bunch of information about all the fullness of what I thought. Instead, I am going to just put the basic stuff down in here so you guys can understand what I was thinking. I wonder if any of you can identify with me on this.

As I have gone through life I have been afraid that perhaps I wasn’t where God wanted me to be. I mean, maybe one of those big choices I botched caused me to fall from where I was supposed to be or from God’s plan for my life. You can easily see how this would cause me to feel like God’s best for me was now forever out of reach. But then I realized something about that. I am where I am. God’s plan for me has not failed. He knew about the mistakes that I would make. He knew what life changing choices I would make and He has that as a part of His plan. They aren’t a part of His plan because He is causing us to sin, but because He knows what choices we are going to make before we even make them. (Can you tell that I believe that God gives us free will?) God’s plan for our life is never messed up. He never has to make adjustments because He already knows what we are going to do. His plans don’t fail.

So, If you are in a spot to where you are thinking, “I messed up so bad and now what do I do” don’t worry. God’s plan for your life is still going. You don’t have to think that, “I have to find my way back to being in God’s perfect will for my life” because you are in the middle of His plan right now. His plan includes our foibles and mistakes. (Of course... if you are in the middle of sin then you need to get out of it) His plan for salvation unto the entire earth included the death and resurrection of His Son. He knew that Israel would reject His son. That was already part of His plan, but that doesn’t mean that His plan for Israel is destroyed and He has to come up with some new one to adjust to our mistakes. You are where you are. You have made the mistakes that you have made. God’s plan for your life has not become invalid even if doors are closed to you forever now, because God opens new doors that were in His plan for your life before your life even began.

Of course we can't use this as a license to say that I can do whatever I want and then come back to God. Yes, God knows what you will do, but you will also be held accountable for what you do. This is not permission to make mistakes but rather an inspiration of hope for those who have and will sin, that their lives in Christ aren't over... that God's plan for their lives has not been ruined... that God will still use them if they yield to God right now. Forget the past as far as the way it chains you down. Learn from it and put it away, "press on" toward the goal of the upward calling in Jesus Christ. Paul talks about the way he thinks of his past... Phi 3:13-14 "Brethren, I count not myself yet to have laid hold: but one thing I do, forgetting the things which are behind, and stretching forward to the things which are before,
I press on toward the goal unto the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

You haven’t messed up to the point that you can never get back to the place where you are supposed to be in Christ. You are where you are now, so get up, and get with it. Don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you that God can’t use you anymore because of your mistakes. God’s plan for your life isn’t ruined, it’s coming to pass. ;)

Problem

So, I have a problem. Usually when you come to Christ there is an experience where you change. There is a before and after. The problem for me is that in my memory there never was a before. This might not be a problem for most of those "church kids" because they might end up trying to go their own way, rebelling against God, then they realize that they need God and how much He loves them because He will still forgive them. But I haven't had that either. I never really turned away. I always wanted to do what was right, it might not have been for the right reasons, but the point is that I have. I never turned away from God, nor do I want to. So, I find myself in this interesting predicament of not knowing what i is like to be out from under God's grace. I don't know what it feels like to be in place of a sinner suddenly realizing that he is going to hell. I don't know what that feels like. There was always the thought that Christ would come back and I wouldn't be ready, but never so much the feeling that I was doomed to hell, a course from which Christ plucked me up from. I wish that I have felt that. I wish that I could have known that for it makes it difficult to grasp the love of God.

I was listening to the radio today and it triggered something in my mind. I'm not sure what exact words he said but it was something to the effect of, "Why should God forgive you." That struck me because I have always been taught that He will. I had accepted His forgiveness before I even felt that I really needed it. I know that I am His though. I need Him. But there is something wrong. I don't have the same sense of God's love and forgiveness as other Christians and I feel so alone. I wonder, does anyone else feel like this? Maybe I got saved without the feeling that hell was a threat. It sounds weird, but how? How do I fix this?

Now, this doesn't mean that I haven't felt guilt over something that I have done. I have felt tons of guilt, but I have always known that if I repent that God will forgive me. I always want to repent, so in a way I have become so accustom to knowing I will be forgiven that the threat of hell does not exist... It is almost as if hell itself did not exist to me, because it never was a threat (that I can remember. I know that it was before I came to Christ, yet I have never felt that it was).

So here I am, utterly confused and feeling that I have missed out on something big, yet not knowing how to come to this fullknowledge of God's love and grace. THere is always the thought, you know, you could go out and sin and such, but I don't want to. I would in all reality feel completely horrible doing anything but following my Lord. I don't want to do my thing, or if I do, I don't want to turn away from God. If I know that God doesn't want me to do something, I don't want to do it.

This is so hard and difficult. It is a curse that I have had to put p with. I don't know His love like others who are in Christ do. I don't know what it feels like to be grasped up while utterly falling into the pit of hell. I don't know the meaning of His love and grace and forgiveness, because I have never known anything but it.

So.... what do I do?

Lord, you have been my companion. I have been trying to follow You for so long and I don't want to stop. But Lord, I feel like I havemissed out on knowing You in some way. I want to feel that realization of Your love and grace. I want to feel the sense that I am loved dearly beyond what I can imagine. Your grace did not come unexpected to me. I expected it. Grace was not a gif to me, it was something that just is. It is something that you just give to us. Maybe it doesn't seem to cost You anything big to me, though I know how much pain and suffering You went through on the cross. It doesn't mean much to me because of all that I have been taught and the circumstances of my life. But God, I don't want it to be. I want to revere Your gift and Your love like it truly is, something that is not just there, but something that Your love poured out to us because we were heading down the road to a place where we could never come back from, a place where we are utterly seperated from You. I want to feel the relief of knowing that I am saved, not just the knowledge of it. If this is a curse God, take it away and show me Lord, please reveal to me Your love and Your grace, not just the knowledge of it in my head, but the knowledge of it that runs deep inside and through ever single part of my entire being. I feel alone God, and that no one else is like me. I don't really know if there is anyone out there like this. Please Lord, help me find Your way, help me know Your love and to truly appreciate the sacrifice You made for me. Lord, please, Lord, please, In Jesus name Amen.

My heart

I remember something about a while ago that bled through my heart today. One of my friends let me borrow one of their cd's. We were thinking about trading hers for one of mine and stuff. Well, I popped it into the cd player and listened. It was Michael W. Smith's "Worship Again" album. As I listened to the tracks play, my heart began to ache, it began to flicker, it came alive again. For a moment my heart was back, seeing the greatness of worshipping God.

I saw my heart again today!

I searched for it, hoping perhaps that I would find it elsewhere, but there is nowhere else where my heart can feel at home than at the feet of Jesus, worshipping. God has created me to be a worshipper. The heart of me is worshipping God. He is that life, He is the One who makes my heart jump and skip a beat, coming alive again. Only in His arms can I feel the way He makes me feel. I don't know why I ever wandered away. It's easy to wander. It's hard to come home. I wanna be home. I need You Jesus. I can't do without You. My heart has been so dead over the past year and a half. There have only been glimpses of You that made my heart stir. Now I feel it stirring more and more and God I need You! God I want You! Can I have You Lord? I need You so bad. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy... Kirie Elihizon, Christe Elehizon... In Jesus name, amen.

Relief

It wasn't too long ago that I realized that I had some serious issues built up inside of me with my mom. They affected the way I felt toward her and probably even the way I felt toward other people. It's funny, kind of a God thing that all this has come up. It first came out when i was talking about it to one of my good friends. Then, it came back up whenever I would do ministry. It would come into my mind that I needed to talk to her about it. Then, I was in my conflict management and resolution class and they were talking about how we need to go to our "brother" (in the text) whenever he has done something wrong. This pressed me even further to go talk to my mom.

Well, I was lying down on the couch in here (my house) after coming home from a good friends house (and a party for another one of my great friends, his bro). I sat here and just wanted to rest, but God brought it up on my heart to go talk to her about it. ... Did I go? um... not really. I was tired so I decided that I would do it later.

Aha... but then God did His stuff and she called me in there to talk to her about something else. Afterwards, I was lying on her bed while she was in her rocking chair reading. I feel God poking me on the inside telling me to talk to her about it. So, I went for it. And we ended up talking about different stuff that has happened and how it made me feel and stuff. She explained the reasons why certain stuff was the way it was on her end.

I just wanted to say Praise God!! Praise Jesus!! Because it really did feel good to be able to talk about it with her. The issues that I have are coming to a resolution because God pushed me to resolve the issue with her. I would encourage you guys, if you have an issue with someone, go to them and in honesty, not acting out of bitterness or anger, talk about it and try to get it worked out. It really feels good afterwards. And now, I feel that I am free to love, finally, if that makes any sense. Thats the feeling I get anyways... Jesus rocks!!!! :-D!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! Lata peeps! ;)

Getting back to God

Hey all, I don't know if anyone reads this thing. I mean, it's possible but I don't know if it is very likely. But anyways, I will continue for myself and for those who may someday stumble on this if they don't read now.

There has been a lot of changes going on in my life right now. Things are difficult, yet right. One of the things that I think I really got away from was concentrating on God. I let my attention drift from the things of God to the things of this world in a very unbalanced way. And I kind of need to get back to Him. I NEED to get back to Him. It is so easy for me to get distracted and sidetracked. I need to be close to Him.

Have you ever found in your life a time where it was so incredibly difficult to keep seeking God in an interested way? I have. I can always push myself, but what about really wanting to? Lately I have been feeling the urge to really want to seek Him. I feel the pull on my heart. I tell Him my problems and feel His peace. I want to be back in that love relationship with Him. It is so hard, but I must.

Lord, please help me to get back to You. Help me to see You in ways that I haven't for quite some time. I can only wish Lord that You would come and let me feel You holding me now. Please guide me back into Your arms and keep me from evil Lord. Show me the way, that I ma walk in it. Lord, please help. I am Yours... Take me. Please take me in Your arms.

Hard Times

Sometimes things go really rough. We don't always understand why they end up that way, but sometimes it just ends up happening that way. I wish I could say that right now I wasn't hurting, but I do hurt. When stuff happens that changes the rest of your life, its big.

And now I sit here a few hours before I have to speak for youth service. I don't know what I am going to say. I know what general area of te Bible we are going to cover, yet plans and words and expressions fall away from my grasp. The worship of voices during college hour sing in the background as I ache inside out with a pain that hurts deep. Yet, in the midst of it, there is a calming wind... and calming voice speaking in me, "It's going to be ok." This is the One that I am following, the One that I have given my life to. And in His arms I will rest.