Coming to the end of Self-pity.... I hope

Alright, so I think that I have sat on my bum for too long feeling bad and horribly bleh on the inside. I have had this huge controversy and competition going on inside my head between the realms of faith and doubt and have just ... kind of... sank into the mud. I just mulled over everything over and over again. And I haven't had the compulsion to do anything about it, until now. I am tired of wading around, no, sinking in the midst of the pit of dispair about my condition. If I am ever going to get over this I need to get up and do something about it.

So, here I am going. I am attempting to stand up and start walking. How might you ask? I am going to actually start researching the things that are causing me problems. I am going to start researching the objects of my doubt. I am going to learn more about these "facts" and claims that are causing me problems. And, I am also going to have to examine myself and keep an open mind. If I can't keep an open mind, maybe I can't keep my integrity. I don't want to just close my mind.

Part of me is scared though.

I don't know what is going to happen. But I figure that this is the only way I am ever going to be able to be a on fire Christian with a strong conviction toward what I believe. I am passing through the fire. I'm tired of sitting at the gate moping about how hard it is or is going to be. In some ways I feel that this path is the only way through this.

Then part of me thinks... should I just trust what I have been taught? Should I just ignore what evidence is saying or should I pursue what is found to be compelling? In other words, should I just trust God that He is who He is, or should I address my questions full on in an attempt to find the truth? (Though I think that if I tried simply to just trust it would tear me apart because I don't think I would ever be fully convinced with my whole faculties... both in head and in heart. There would always be this lingering bit of ... "?")

One of the key things about Christianity though is a strong conviction about the truth and wisdom and understanding. So, pursuing the truth could in fact be exactly what God would want me to do. But, what about the parts that say that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And what if the truth you are questioning is with the Lord Himself? Would God condemn an honest seeker and not allow Him to find the truth. In some ways I think that an open mind is a sign of true humility. (But can't steadfast conviction also be a sign of absolute trust?... something that God really desires?)

So, my condition of just sitting here, while it in part may be because of self-pity, is also because of a conflict of interests. I don't want to turn away and yet I want to seek the truth. Those two seem to be in opposition to each other. I don't want to walk from what I have been taught and yet I have a strong conviction that the truth must be sought and that I cannot live in full integrity until I am living fully in what I believe. I am torn.

Is it ok for me to search? Is it a moral obligation for me to do so? And yet, should I try to remain faithful? And what does that look like?

Regardless, being stuck in a stalemate isn't helping me at all. I have found that with research and searching comes a greater sense of clarity about the vague issues we worry about. So, perhaps, the only thing I can do is start searching and researching. (But again I feel torn because I feel as if I am refusing to just trust... O.o.... I don't want to be stuck... and if I step away from searching I don't feel that I will ever be the person I could be... constantly held back by doubt... and if I search... I worry that the fire may be too intense; however....

...even if the fire is intense... can God not carry me through? If He is really there, then of course He is more than able. So, why should I worry? If I search and trust Him to lead me through, even through the times I may loose sight of Him and stray.. to a place where perhaps my faith is more refined than ever before... and things seem so much clearer and brighter than before... then He will lead me through and I will have nothing to worry about. Maybe I just need to trust God that if He is really there, He will lead me through the storm. It may not be easy... and I can't give up and sit down in self-pity... but maybe this is the most worthwhile pursuit that I can undertake right now. (but is it more worthwhile than just trying to trust...... sigh)

One thing is clear though. I shouldn't do this alone. Alone, I am weak and see things from only one perspective. God please give me strength and people that I can talk to about these things. Help me to find a community to grow in and ask questions where it is safe. Please Lord, guide me and my life. Please help me. In Jesus name, amen.

Thinking about what happened

(note: yes, this post is a bit confusing at times because my mind is bouncing around addressing questions from its own avenues of thinking. If it doesn't seem coherent, then it probably isn't... at least not without a bit of intuative reading. Sorry all. I don't really feel like editing it right now. I'm gonna go to bed. latas!)


Tonight I have been thinking a lot about my faith, and I think that, at least in part, I have come to see what happened to me to get me to the sad state that I have been in. I think I had becomed disillusioned with Christians and the way that they actually lived compared to everyone else in the world.

As time went on, since my time back from Ohio, I have seen less and less difference between people who call themselves Christians and the world around me. But, that(!) I believe has been my passion, my hiding passion if you will; my passion to see the church become everything that it was "supposed" to be. I don't think that I believe in an idealized early church as much as I believe that we can return to authentic faith that is intentionally separated from sin. (not that you can become truly perfect here on earth, or that our efforts toward purity somehow save us... that isn't true; but rather that we have a faith that chooses not to involve ourselves in things that promote sin) I don't know. It's all one of those things you desire... that if you aren't careful can lead to legalism. But I think that that tension is there. It's a desire to be separate from sin, but to not go into a legalistic spirit.

hmmm. Lord, please ignite Your truth inside of me. Help me to burn with Your fire and to be Yours. Help me with my doubts and frustrations. Help me through my difficult times and help me to remember You in the good times. In Jesus name, amen!

Part of this discovery was that I realized that even if God showed up and revealed Himself to me directly, I seriously questioned whether or not it would still get through to me. My heart has become hard, but God's hand is ever the potter's hand who can mold me and give me a new, soft hard that is tender to His will.

Please do keep me in yours prayers.

Also, I think I discovered that I have been wallowing in self-pity. I'm still trying to figure out if that is totally true or not, but if so, I need to stop mopeing and get moving.

Peace in Christ to you all

Thinking about the truth

I have been thinking about my state as a Christian so far. Right now, I don't think that I am doing so well. I think that I am a sick Christian... that my spiritual health is not great. So, I have turned to some introspection.

Please Lord as I write this post, guide my words, my mind, my heart, and my thoughts. Protect me from the enemy and show me the truth. In Jesus name, amen.

My latest considerations have been about truth. Now, first of all, this is not about the validity or such of an absolute truth. I believe that there is an absolute truth out there. No, this is rather about my current apathy concerning trying to find the truth. My attitude toward finding and knowing the truth has become indifferent. In a way, I no longer care. let me explain.

For the last three or so years I have been struggling in my faith with some serious doubt complications. The sad thing is that while I would get boosts of spiritual caffiene or some kind of spiritual high, the malady of my condition was never addressed. I still had those doubts resting underneath.

Doubts; these were not your stray thought kind of doubts that you quickly recover from. These were serious questions that I had that were never answered, and this coupled with a disillusionment in my experience with God (which is not His fault) created quite a bit of inner turmoil on top of my previous problems.

However, as I was having those doubts I had always had the desire to know the truth. That, in fact, was one of the reasons why the doubts were possible in the first place. I wanted to know the truth. What I had learned about Christianity, the Bible, and experience didn't seem to line up with what I saw and experienced. So, naturally, I wondered why. One of the tenets that I held to firmly at this time was an attitude similar to "question everything." This, at the least, was a part in my life that I held to intellectual integrity. I had serious doubts and wanted to know the truth, even if it was something hard.

I think that changed. A year or so ago the stress from the doubts and my longing desire to keep holding to Christianity created a mental conflict so intense that there was a very noticeable mental "snap." It wasn't like I went crazy or anything. I think I just lost all desire to know the truth. I no longer cared. In fact I wrote in my journals that it was as if I really didn't care anymore. (this, of course, bothered me) I wonder now if it was at that point that my intellectual integrity was compromised.

Suffice to say, I now find myself in a relationship with God that seems fake and contrived though I know there is a desire in my heart for it. He just doesn't seem real anymore, even if I keep going. That has been my motto. Just keep going, hoping that God will reveal Himself to me. And, I don't plan on giving up either. In fact, if I think back about my relationship with God, it often felt like I was the kid on the outside looking in... the one that sat and watched everyone else commune with God, but didn't get to have that luxury unless I exerted an extreme amount of spiritual striving. Not that I never felt that such things occured... it was just that it took a lot of effort on my part before I felt like God took notice and showed up. (and not always... there have been some times when He has just shown up, but the biggest part has been out of striving... at least I feel)

So, its not that I feel I am not seeking after Christ, I just feel like I am in a bad dream that I cannot wake up from, and I am having doubts about whether or not this is the dream. I need some serious prayer from my friends and family out there.

But yes, back to the issue of truth. I want to re-integrate what was split on that day. I want to gain my intellectual integrity back. I want to seek after the truth and not after comfortability. If God is the truth then He should show Himself as such, right? Honest reflection and searching should point me in the right direction, as well as who He is... and His part in all of this. Plus I have a feeling that He would want me to have intellectual integrity as well. Perhaps, Christ would urge an honest search for the truth.

So, I sit here typing this, thinking this, but feeling totally different. I don't have that strong drive for the truth burning in me right now. In fact, right now I feel rather apathetic toward it all. But, something keeps pushing me to it. I wonder if maybe this could even be God's plan for me... to search for the answers to the questions that I have and to have honest reflection on them, so that others might be encouraged by what I find... perhaps others will come to Christ through this.

Just pray for me. I keep going by God's grace, but am trying to re-integrate this desire for truth... and the desire to search honestly. I have caved, but God can help me to re-integrate and find the truth that I never felt I had fully grasped.

This is Home - Swtichfoot Music Video

and! Just for kicks....! yeah!!! haha

God and I, and Jon Foreman

You know, sometimes I get really concerned about my relationship with God and what is going to happen, but I think that God is doing a work in me : ) He is moving me back toward Him and He is holding me and helping me through all of this. I was listening tonight to a few tracks by Jon Foreman, from his "Summer" album. I must say that some of it isn't exactly my style, but it isn't so much the style that wraps me in as much as it is how profound the lyrics are. I have always been a fan of Jon's music since I realized the depth that lie beneath the surface of the lyrics. There has been many a song that struck a heart chord within me. It resonates with my soul in a beautiful dance.

anyways, I was listening to a track by him tonight called "again." You can listen to it at http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman. It struck me and I felt a bit of reassurance that God is bringing me back to a closer relationship with Him.

(another incredible song is "instead of a show." Go check it out! No, seriously. haha, if you can and you have the time, check it out.)

But anyways, I think that I am going to go to bed now. It is pretty late and I am getting up around 6:30 or so. So, i'll catch you all later and keep the Lord at the center of your heart. (haha of course by His grace and power entirely)

"... that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Phil 1:6b NKJV

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christi Jesus has also laid hold of me." Phil 3:12 NKJV

lata!