Where I am... Holding on.

Sigh... yeah. So, today I am feeling pretty down. Pretty sad. I think that it is mostly due to the fact that I don't really feel like I have close friends anymore. People who I hang out with and share a common depth with.

What got me started on all of this?

Well, yesterday I went back over to the church after service because I wanted to talk to one of my old close friends. I wanted to catch up with him and maybe just spend like 5-10 minutes alone. But, it happens that where he should have shown up for service, he didn't come at all. This wouldn't be so bad normally, say, if one of your closest friends was late or didn't show, but the things is, I haven't been able to talk to this guy forever, well with depth anyway. It isn't that I am mad at him for that. It is more like realizing that I am not that big of a part of his life as I used to be. He and I grew apart. He has his own life.

Don't get me wrong. It is good for him to have his own life. I don't think that is the problem. I am just wishing that there was someone that I was a best friend to. I have friends. I have people I talk to, but there are only those few people out there that get so close to you that you are not longer just friends. You are more like brothers or beyond. That is what our friendship used to be like. And now I feel like I dont have anyone who is that close to me. I don't feel like I have someone who is more than just a friend, and perhaps more than just a brother. I don't have someone who is linked to me on an incredibly deep level right now. And I feel that. I feel at a loss because of that. I feel sad as if I am mourning my past friendship with my two best friends that I have ever had and now I am so far from.

I have a feeling that things will never be the same. I have a feeling that I am going to have to leave any prospect of being that close to them anymore behind. I do not know if that is the absolute on all of that, but that is what it feels like for now. I feel like I am coming to the place where I am going to have to let go of my past in order to move on to what God has called me to do. That is not easy. In fact it is very hard because I do not want to let go. I don't want to let go of the past, yet I might very well hav to in order to move forward. And if I have to, then I have to. I don't want tp stand still just because I cannot accept what has happened.

In a way I also feel like if I were to let go I would be abandoning them. I definitely don't want to abandon them. I ended up doing that when I went to Ohio and things fell apart from then on, concerning our friendships. If I move on and don't include them then I feel like I am abandoning them. If I don't move on without them I feel as if I am holding on to something that I cannot take with me, or something that is irreconciliable with what I am supposed to do. I do not know what their opinion of me would be after I take off without them. They might not like me much anymore. I feel like it is time for me to move on. So, I must.

Aside from that, it is hard because letting go of them means having open hands. It means having nothing in my hands. But in order for me to have something else in my hands I have to let go of what I have first. I also don't like that analogy though because all of a sudden the motivation for letting go is for recieving something new. I don't want my motivations to be based upon what I might recieve. They need to be based on my love for God and a willingness to do what He desires of me regardless of it I recieve something new or not. So, if I let go, it needs to be in trust that it is what God wants me to do. It needs to be because I feel that it is where God is leading me, not because I may recieve something better out of it.

It is hard to let go. But I must. If it is God's will then I must. Is it really God's will? Is it really God's will? This is where I feel I need to go. If God wants me to do something else, then may I do something else. I need You direction God. Please help me to find the way tat I am supposed to go. Help me to do what I need to do. Help me to know what it is to let go of what I need to let go and to keep what I need to keep. In Jesus name, amen.

I don't think that letting go would be a complete severance as much as it is moving on in life without them instead of always looking back and wishing for the years and the things that were.

Thats where I am.