Lot of things on my mind

      Here I am. I'm sitting in the coffee shop over at my university preparing to ponder all of the things that have been going on recently. It is actually kind of weird for me to be here on campus right now, because it is spring break and I am a commuter student, but thats ok, I'll deal with it.

      Recently, I have been thinking about what God has called me to do in life. It has been the subject of many different ponderings. I have several different thoughts as to what I might be called to do. The most prominent one that keeps beconing me (yet I find it hard to do) is to pursue singing and playing music. This is difficult because, well, the people that I grew up with musically live in a different city at least 30 minutes away. And that poisonous suckage of money / depriver of life we call gasoline is growing in price, making it harder and harder to go anywhere-epsecially in my financial state.

      So, I find myself at home, by myself, feeling the need to play music when most of my time in playing music before was geared to playing with those guys. It just feels so hard without them. Consequently, feeling a call to play music right now is kind of like telling an columnist of a magazine to get to work when there are no other writers. Of course God could have an incredible plan for his writing, and all he can see is just the here and now... the seemingly impossible wasteland. But maybe God calls us through those wastelands so that we will trust Him. Just like Abram, being called to leave all he has and just go. That must have taken a lot of courage and faith. It must have been hard. But he trusted God. So, maybe I should.

      Another one of the things that I feel that God might be calling me to do is to write. (songs included.... that fits into the previous paragraph, but that isn't what I am talking about here.) I feel that maybe God is calling me to write down my thoughts on theology and more. I get ideas for books and have thought about trying to do a little bit of freelance writing. I dont know if that will go anywhere, but I feel an inclination to do so.

      My concern is, what if it is not what I am supposed to be doing? I want to be doing what God has for me. I don't want to get off track. I could see this as a possible distraction to what I need to be doing. (yet even then am I doing anything else anyway?? At least if I did this I would be doing something)

      This desire to write also includes the desire to think about things. I have the desire to think about philosophy and theology. I want to read and figure things out. I want to know things for myself and not just accept them because someone told me. I have questions. I want to know answers. This would also include discussion with other people who think about theology and philosophy. Aye yai yai ... this too could take a lot of time. Is it worth it for me to be doing this?

      Another thing which I enjoy doing is computer stuff. I love to mess around with my graphics editing program (the GIMP). I have made a logo for a small business and have even mostly designed a DVD cover that is going to be put into use by that same small company. Just thinking about it here though, it seems like this is more of a side thing. It doesn't seem like it is as important as the other three things that I want to do. (But still! it can help bring in money... something which the other three I guess could possibly do... well you would have to understand my whole thoughts toward publishing and ministry for profit :-/!! So, I really couldn't count on the others to bring money in for me, unless it was God providing... which He can.)

      Siiigh, suffice to say, I find myself as a student pulled in these directions. I have a year and a half left in college and feel these inclinations. Gladly, my degree is going to be in Contemporary Christian Ministries and Biblical and Religious Studies... Theology and Ethics emphasis. That helps some with the things that I desire to do, as I will be writing papers and learning more about theology. I just have a hesitancy to jump fully into doing some of these things. In music I feel trapped or at least burdened, in Theology/Writing I am questioning if I should do it or not, and in computer stuff... well, that really isn't that big of a deal.

      Please God, please help me to walk in the path that You desire for me. I want to do what You have for me to do. I need Your guidance and Your help. I don't want to wander off on my own for my own reasons. Help me God, in Jesus name, Amen.