Hmmm... thoughts on motivation and such

Right now I am considering creating an online group on myspace about theology/philosophy. This is an idea that I have had for a little while now. But, I am not sure if it is what God wants me to do. If I were to do such would it be out of the right heart? I think that is what a lot of decisions probably come down to, whether or not the heart behind things is right.

So, naturally, what would be my heart behind the theology/philosophy group. Well, I don't think that it is so much to be a leader of a great group who has a bunch of power and can kick people out and threaten them. I don't think so. Of course, it could have something to do with wanting to be in charge. I have a tendency to want to be in charge of certain things. So, is it a control freak kind of thing? I guess I can be selfish and want things to be passed through me or for me to be involved in all of the different stuff going on. I think perhaps it goes back to the desire to be needed. The "need to be needed" as some would say. So, maybe that is part of the reason for why I want to make the group. It sounds right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe that is a big part of it. Maybe my heart isn't right in doing so.

Regardless of that I can still see the value in doing it, but maybe I shouldn't until I get over this stupid "need to be needed" thing... or at least get it out of my motives for the group. ... yeah

My need to be needed thing is hard. It is something that I don't want, but it is something that happens regardless of what I do. I don't want to be handicapped to this. So, how do I deal with a need to be needed?

Maybe it has to deal with an insecurity issue? Do I not feel worth? Do I have a poor sense of self worth? Maybe... and maybe that poor sense of self worth is salved when others affirm me, letting me be a big presence in their lives. It makes me feel important and included. It makes me feel loved. Maybe that is the issue. Maybe I don't feel loved. and when you don't feel loved you feel a lack of self worth as if you are not worthy to be loved.

But the thing is is that I am loved. I am loved more than anyone here on earth could ever love me by an incredible God. He showers His love on me. It is in His love, in Him, that I should find my worth. I have incredible worth to Him.

This is true. But sometimes I don't feel it because I guess in a way, physical representations of love have a way of feeling more real than the love of an invisible God. Not saying that they always do, but that perhaps it is easier to feel loved when we recieve that affirmation physically or in a mortal sense. This doesn't nullify the fact that God's love is greater or that it gives us insurmountable worth, but it just means that sometimes it is easier for us to go by what we can see, hear, and feel in this world than by something that we can feel in the Spirit (because we don't always feel things in the Spirit.) For me at least, it is easier to be numb in the Spirit than to be numb from someone reaching out and touching me with their care and love. So that at times makes it hard for me to feel that love that He has for me and that insurmountible worth that He gives to me by His love... that insurmountible worth that He gives to all whom He loves.

Maybe this reflects on the way that being in the flesh and being in the Spirit affects us. If we are in the Spirit... and walk according to the Spirit, maybe we will not be so prone to being numb to the Spirit, but if we walk according to the flesh and see simply according to our senses then we are more prone to lose sight of the truths that we find underlie all that is visible... but are so often invisible to us. If that is true, then that means that if I am going to grow past this sense of worthlessness then I need to spend more time in the Spirit. Ahhh, but then again comes that sense of motivation. Am I wanting to be in the Spirit more just because I will end up feeling better and feeling like I have worth, or am I doing it because I want to spend time with God... because I love God. A deep love of God needs to underlie all that we do.

But how do we get this deep love of God if we don't seem to have it? What if we know we should and we want it but we don't seem to have it? Well, then we shouldn't seek it for our benefit, but rather because it is the truth, because it is what is right. I guess it comes down to if we really love what is true and what is right or if we love to live in darkness... if we love to live in what is not right and what is not true. Maybe that is the beginning of faith... that love of what is right... that love of something that is beyond our needs and desires. That love of something beyond what will benefit us.