Looking in the mirror

I have been thinking a lot today about what drives me. I have always regarded myself as someone who was seeking after the truth; someone who wanted to know what is real. And while I can say that it might be true to an extent, I believe I have uncovered a more disturbing reality behind the push for understanding and knowledge. I think I have a lot of brokenness inside. (Now, I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything. Just to get it out and better understand it.)

I think that basically, at the root of it all, I have some deep insecurities about myself. I don't feel like I am good enough or worth enough or something like that. At least I have a low view of myself; that I am someone worthy of being rejected and such.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I think it is a combination of what I am feeling and the evidence as exemplified through my life. I think that the reason I push so hard to understand is so that I can feel better about myself. I have a tendency to want to know the truth and tell others the truth. But, i know that I do not feel a tendency toward gentleness, but rather a push of arrogance in that display of knowledge. In some ways I wonder if it is similar to the plight of the bully, except I have a push to be an intellectual bully. The bully in the physical treats others badly, exerting power over others sometimes to make himself feel more secure, to make himself feel as if he is good enough or strong enough. Generally, what I am trying to get at is that his insecurities manifest in a manner that abuses others. Now my abuse is not really one that has manifested itself very much. It probably has at one time or another, but thanks be to God that He has given me enough self control to curtail it. However, regardless of whether the action comes out, I feel it bubbling on the inside.

So, I feel that I have some deep insecurities that drive me to desire to be better than others in my knowledge of things. To be at the top to tell and know the truth, not to help others but to salve the deep hurt on my soul that says that I am not good enough. The big problem is, how can this be fixed? How can my soul be healed from the pain it feels deep inside? The only thing I can think to do is give it to God. But, what does that mean? These feelings still surface and the struggle continues. What will it take to mend this soul?

My soul will be mended by knowing my identity in Christ. If I can know and truly understand who I am in the light of who He is then my weary soul will be at rest and I can have peace and truly start to become who God created me to be. Please pray for me. Thanks