Coming to the end of Self-pity.... I hope
Alright, so I think that I have sat on my bum for too long feeling bad and horribly bleh on the inside. I have had this huge controversy and competition going on inside my head between the realms of faith and doubt and have just ... kind of... sank into the mud. I just mulled over everything over and over again. And I haven't had the compulsion to do anything about it, until now. I am tired of wading around, no, sinking in the midst of the pit of dispair about my condition. If I am ever going to get over this I need to get up and do something about it.
So, here I am going. I am attempting to stand up and start walking. How might you ask? I am going to actually start researching the things that are causing me problems. I am going to start researching the objects of my doubt. I am going to learn more about these "facts" and claims that are causing me problems. And, I am also going to have to examine myself and keep an open mind. If I can't keep an open mind, maybe I can't keep my integrity. I don't want to just close my mind.
Part of me is scared though.
I don't know what is going to happen. But I figure that this is the only way I am ever going to be able to be a on fire Christian with a strong conviction toward what I believe. I am passing through the fire. I'm tired of sitting at the gate moping about how hard it is or is going to be. In some ways I feel that this path is the only way through this.
Then part of me thinks... should I just trust what I have been taught? Should I just ignore what evidence is saying or should I pursue what is found to be compelling? In other words, should I just trust God that He is who He is, or should I address my questions full on in an attempt to find the truth? (Though I think that if I tried simply to just trust it would tear me apart because I don't think I would ever be fully convinced with my whole faculties... both in head and in heart. There would always be this lingering bit of ... "?")
One of the key things about Christianity though is a strong conviction about the truth and wisdom and understanding. So, pursuing the truth could in fact be exactly what God would want me to do. But, what about the parts that say that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And what if the truth you are questioning is with the Lord Himself? Would God condemn an honest seeker and not allow Him to find the truth. In some ways I think that an open mind is a sign of true humility. (But can't steadfast conviction also be a sign of absolute trust?... something that God really desires?)
So, my condition of just sitting here, while it in part may be because of self-pity, is also because of a conflict of interests. I don't want to turn away and yet I want to seek the truth. Those two seem to be in opposition to each other. I don't want to walk from what I have been taught and yet I have a strong conviction that the truth must be sought and that I cannot live in full integrity until I am living fully in what I believe. I am torn.
Is it ok for me to search? Is it a moral obligation for me to do so? And yet, should I try to remain faithful? And what does that look like?
Regardless, being stuck in a stalemate isn't helping me at all. I have found that with research and searching comes a greater sense of clarity about the vague issues we worry about. So, perhaps, the only thing I can do is start searching and researching. (But again I feel torn because I feel as if I am refusing to just trust... O.o.... I don't want to be stuck... and if I step away from searching I don't feel that I will ever be the person I could be... constantly held back by doubt... and if I search... I worry that the fire may be too intense; however....
...even if the fire is intense... can God not carry me through? If He is really there, then of course He is more than able. So, why should I worry? If I search and trust Him to lead me through, even through the times I may loose sight of Him and stray.. to a place where perhaps my faith is more refined than ever before... and things seem so much clearer and brighter than before... then He will lead me through and I will have nothing to worry about. Maybe I just need to trust God that if He is really there, He will lead me through the storm. It may not be easy... and I can't give up and sit down in self-pity... but maybe this is the most worthwhile pursuit that I can undertake right now. (but is it more worthwhile than just trying to trust...... sigh)
One thing is clear though. I shouldn't do this alone. Alone, I am weak and see things from only one perspective. God please give me strength and people that I can talk to about these things. Help me to find a community to grow in and ask questions where it is safe. Please Lord, guide me and my life. Please help me. In Jesus name, amen.
4 comments:
there's also a part of the Bible that says in Hosea 4:6 "my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. "Because you have rejected knowledge,I also reject you as my priests" I think God created the world in a way that promotes us to think about questioning it and its existence because He feels confident enough that it all leads back to him anyways, don't be afraid of questioning God. If you're not doing it because you're afraid he can't stand up then you're just living in fear and deception about God. I have a lot of resources for you, I have the dvd version of Case for the Creator- let azy know and I can get them to you. Don't be afraid to step out scotty
Kewl : ) thank you very much!
i'm proud of you babe, and I'm praying for you.
I occasionally check your blog. And there is a general acquaintance with the issues that you come across. Many years back while in Seminary, I found myself caught between going full blast into seeking knowledge and understanding and just believing what one had already been taught. One of my teachers was a dear old gentleman who had come into pentecost late in his life after having spent it mostly as a minister in a Congregational church. He loved church history and taught it with passion. Beside teaching church history, he would be found among students, exhorting them to live faithful lives. Much as I enjoyed his classes and his exhortation, I disagreed with him regarding pursuit of knowledge. He held a belief that said students should not 'go deep into theology lest they lose the Spirit.' I found this unacceptable. To me it was as if he was saying the Spirit thrives on our ignorance. On the other hand, giving myself to the pursuit of knowledge scared me and threatened the beliefs I had grown used to. In the end I went the route of pursuing knowledge and understanding. I have not arrived but I constantly seek to understand. Thus I ask incessantly without fear for I have come to see that God is not threatened by the wildest even the most irrational of our questions. But ask out of a sincere heart that is not given to contentious spirit but to the service of the Lord.
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