God Addict

I went to God thinking that He could solve my problem, but He didn’t. Not because He couldn’t, but because His solution wasn’t what I was looking for. The solution I was looking for was similar to the newlywed experience… or the just started dating experience. I felt accepted because of the feelings and the experience that I was having with Him. When that feeling and experience went away I might not have felt accepted anymore. I kept going back to God more and more and could it be that just like a drug I needed more and more of it in order to get the same kind of high? But that high, that solution had to require more and more of me… more devotion… more time reading… more time doing all the stuff that I should in order to be close to God.

I had the pain. God was my drug.

But it never solved to problem. It never got across to me that I was accepted… the only thing that happened was the pain went away. And when I stopped feeling the effects of the drug, for whatever reason… whether not doing it enough or whatever, I began to feel as if God was rejecting me. And perhaps if I couldn’t attain that feeling, then I wasn’t accepted. That feeling meant I was accepted and if I did not have that feeling, I was sure or at least felt… maybe not sure…that I wasn’t.

I was a God addict.

He isn’t there primarily to take away the pain. Something is causing the pain and it needs to be dealt with. The closeness I felt brought peace to my heart, but it was only a drug to cover the symptom, because when that feeling went away, whether it was true or not, I did not feel accepted. I felt rejected.

I pursued Him as the solution to my pain, but the drug didn’t work. It was never supposed to work like that. You can’t mask the pain all the time, you have to get the thorn out. You can’t go to God to primarily solve your pain. Otherwise you are just chasing another type of drug.

I fought so hard and long to be close to God, not because I loved Him or stuff like that, but rather because He took away the pain. But, because those experiences do not last forever, the pain continued and resurfaced. This might have pushed me on toward more and more devotion, but it never did anything to the inner condition that caused the pain in the first place.

Perhaps it also reinforced that idea that I had to do this this and this to be accepted. I had to do the right thing in order to be accepted. I had to please people to gain their favor and acceptance. I didn’t believe that I could be accepted or that I was accepted just for who I was. Just for who I am.

My issue is acceptance. I don’t believe, because of events that occurred to me early on in life, that I can be accepted just for who I am. That is my problem, and I don’t need a fix to cover the pain. I need to understand that I am accepted. I need to know that I am cared for by God regardless of what I have done or will do. I need to know that I am unconditionally accepted. I need to know the truth… and the truth will set me free.

(Thanks to Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz; his thoughts sparked a tangent in my mind that led me here… and first and foremost to God, who guided me with those thoughts.)