Becoming Real

I think that for a while I have struggled with being real with myself about where I am in my faith and such. And, so, as the title implies I am feeling as if I need to become more real. I need to be more honest with myself about such things. This doesn't come on the heels of random chance, but rather I feel as if perhaps God is guiding me back to this place.

I feel as though my walk with God for the last few years off and on has been less than desireable. I have struggled at times to keep believing, but at some times I feel more faith and belief than I have felt in a long time. I have in a way betrayed the purpose of this blog because I haven't been openly portaying my Christian walk and the struggles that I am facing. Hopefully that perhaps can be remedied.

I honestly don't know where to begin.

But I do believe in a real faith, an authenitic faith.

There was a time in my life where I was hard core on fire for God. I didn't really feel a lot of doubts. I had lots of faith and belief. But now I have come to a lower point in my faith where I am riddled with all kinds of doubts and stuff. It was so much so at one point that it seemed as if something inside me snapped... because I was wrestling with faith and doubt to the limit of mental exhaustion. And I think that at that point I stopped being real with myself about where I was and what I believed. I stopped trying to figure out the truth and started to simply survive as a Christian.

Now it seems I am being urged back into the pursuit of truth. And perhaps this is indeed where God is leading me. The reason i say this is because I really wonder if the only way that my faith will ever be strong again is if I let go of trying to survive and start owning up to where I really am and go from there.

I feel as though I have stopped in the race, sat on the ground with my ears plugged and simply tried to sing the doubts away. (but all along I didn't think to much about, or i ignored the fact that I also stopped moving in my faith as well.) So, to put it simply, I feel as though my efforts to remain faithful have perhaps, in a way, subverted my walk with Christ. My efforts to remain have kept me from an authentic faith.

I was talking to pastor Loren about some of these things and he definitely feels that I should pursue the truth. And I believe that I am coming to see that it needs to be done authentically. Thats the only way my problems in faith are ever going to be resolved... through an honest search, not a desperate attempt to survive. There is a lot of work that needs to be done. I have gotten so many little tweaks in my faith. But it is true that there are not too many that an all powerful God could not get out.

I am seeking the truth; asking Christ to guide me; for the Holy Spirit's help. Honesty, perhaps that is what I really need.