Thinking about the truth

I have been thinking about my state as a Christian so far. Right now, I don't think that I am doing so well. I think that I am a sick Christian... that my spiritual health is not great. So, I have turned to some introspection.

Please Lord as I write this post, guide my words, my mind, my heart, and my thoughts. Protect me from the enemy and show me the truth. In Jesus name, amen.

My latest considerations have been about truth. Now, first of all, this is not about the validity or such of an absolute truth. I believe that there is an absolute truth out there. No, this is rather about my current apathy concerning trying to find the truth. My attitude toward finding and knowing the truth has become indifferent. In a way, I no longer care. let me explain.

For the last three or so years I have been struggling in my faith with some serious doubt complications. The sad thing is that while I would get boosts of spiritual caffiene or some kind of spiritual high, the malady of my condition was never addressed. I still had those doubts resting underneath.

Doubts; these were not your stray thought kind of doubts that you quickly recover from. These were serious questions that I had that were never answered, and this coupled with a disillusionment in my experience with God (which is not His fault) created quite a bit of inner turmoil on top of my previous problems.

However, as I was having those doubts I had always had the desire to know the truth. That, in fact, was one of the reasons why the doubts were possible in the first place. I wanted to know the truth. What I had learned about Christianity, the Bible, and experience didn't seem to line up with what I saw and experienced. So, naturally, I wondered why. One of the tenets that I held to firmly at this time was an attitude similar to "question everything." This, at the least, was a part in my life that I held to intellectual integrity. I had serious doubts and wanted to know the truth, even if it was something hard.

I think that changed. A year or so ago the stress from the doubts and my longing desire to keep holding to Christianity created a mental conflict so intense that there was a very noticeable mental "snap." It wasn't like I went crazy or anything. I think I just lost all desire to know the truth. I no longer cared. In fact I wrote in my journals that it was as if I really didn't care anymore. (this, of course, bothered me) I wonder now if it was at that point that my intellectual integrity was compromised.

Suffice to say, I now find myself in a relationship with God that seems fake and contrived though I know there is a desire in my heart for it. He just doesn't seem real anymore, even if I keep going. That has been my motto. Just keep going, hoping that God will reveal Himself to me. And, I don't plan on giving up either. In fact, if I think back about my relationship with God, it often felt like I was the kid on the outside looking in... the one that sat and watched everyone else commune with God, but didn't get to have that luxury unless I exerted an extreme amount of spiritual striving. Not that I never felt that such things occured... it was just that it took a lot of effort on my part before I felt like God took notice and showed up. (and not always... there have been some times when He has just shown up, but the biggest part has been out of striving... at least I feel)

So, its not that I feel I am not seeking after Christ, I just feel like I am in a bad dream that I cannot wake up from, and I am having doubts about whether or not this is the dream. I need some serious prayer from my friends and family out there.

But yes, back to the issue of truth. I want to re-integrate what was split on that day. I want to gain my intellectual integrity back. I want to seek after the truth and not after comfortability. If God is the truth then He should show Himself as such, right? Honest reflection and searching should point me in the right direction, as well as who He is... and His part in all of this. Plus I have a feeling that He would want me to have intellectual integrity as well. Perhaps, Christ would urge an honest search for the truth.

So, I sit here typing this, thinking this, but feeling totally different. I don't have that strong drive for the truth burning in me right now. In fact, right now I feel rather apathetic toward it all. But, something keeps pushing me to it. I wonder if maybe this could even be God's plan for me... to search for the answers to the questions that I have and to have honest reflection on them, so that others might be encouraged by what I find... perhaps others will come to Christ through this.

Just pray for me. I keep going by God's grace, but am trying to re-integrate this desire for truth... and the desire to search honestly. I have caved, but God can help me to re-integrate and find the truth that I never felt I had fully grasped.