Thinking about what happened

(note: yes, this post is a bit confusing at times because my mind is bouncing around addressing questions from its own avenues of thinking. If it doesn't seem coherent, then it probably isn't... at least not without a bit of intuative reading. Sorry all. I don't really feel like editing it right now. I'm gonna go to bed. latas!)


Tonight I have been thinking a lot about my faith, and I think that, at least in part, I have come to see what happened to me to get me to the sad state that I have been in. I think I had becomed disillusioned with Christians and the way that they actually lived compared to everyone else in the world.

As time went on, since my time back from Ohio, I have seen less and less difference between people who call themselves Christians and the world around me. But, that(!) I believe has been my passion, my hiding passion if you will; my passion to see the church become everything that it was "supposed" to be. I don't think that I believe in an idealized early church as much as I believe that we can return to authentic faith that is intentionally separated from sin. (not that you can become truly perfect here on earth, or that our efforts toward purity somehow save us... that isn't true; but rather that we have a faith that chooses not to involve ourselves in things that promote sin) I don't know. It's all one of those things you desire... that if you aren't careful can lead to legalism. But I think that that tension is there. It's a desire to be separate from sin, but to not go into a legalistic spirit.

hmmm. Lord, please ignite Your truth inside of me. Help me to burn with Your fire and to be Yours. Help me with my doubts and frustrations. Help me through my difficult times and help me to remember You in the good times. In Jesus name, amen!

Part of this discovery was that I realized that even if God showed up and revealed Himself to me directly, I seriously questioned whether or not it would still get through to me. My heart has become hard, but God's hand is ever the potter's hand who can mold me and give me a new, soft hard that is tender to His will.

Please do keep me in yours prayers.

Also, I think I discovered that I have been wallowing in self-pity. I'm still trying to figure out if that is totally true or not, but if so, I need to stop mopeing and get moving.

Peace in Christ to you all

God and I, and Jon Foreman

You know, sometimes I get really concerned about my relationship with God and what is going to happen, but I think that God is doing a work in me : ) He is moving me back toward Him and He is holding me and helping me through all of this. I was listening tonight to a few tracks by Jon Foreman, from his "Summer" album. I must say that some of it isn't exactly my style, but it isn't so much the style that wraps me in as much as it is how profound the lyrics are. I have always been a fan of Jon's music since I realized the depth that lie beneath the surface of the lyrics. There has been many a song that struck a heart chord within me. It resonates with my soul in a beautiful dance.

anyways, I was listening to a track by him tonight called "again." You can listen to it at http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman. It struck me and I felt a bit of reassurance that God is bringing me back to a closer relationship with Him.

(another incredible song is "instead of a show." Go check it out! No, seriously. haha, if you can and you have the time, check it out.)

But anyways, I think that I am going to go to bed now. It is pretty late and I am getting up around 6:30 or so. So, i'll catch you all later and keep the Lord at the center of your heart. (haha of course by His grace and power entirely)

"... that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Phil 1:6b NKJV

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christi Jesus has also laid hold of me." Phil 3:12 NKJV

lata!