something i whipped up

Dealing with mistakes

I used to know what I believed and why I believed it. But somehow along the way I stopped believing what I believed and instead started to try to believe what everyone else did. The truth no longer mattered to me. What mattered to me was fitting in. Sure I fit in a whole lot better, but at what cost? I found myself working to fit into something that I didn’t believe totally in the first place. Don’t get me wrong. There are parts of it I do believe, but there are many more parts that I am left without a conclusion on. And these are the questions that I gave up in favor for a more peaceful co-existance with the people I have grown up with.

The major question that bothers me currently is “How do I get back to thinking as an individual and not as a blind follower.” Maybe this is what that dream meant. (I am refering to a dream that I had in Ohio about a sheep struggling in it’s automated pen.) I was the sheep struggling to get free of the automated system. And I indeed have fallen into the trap of the automated christian circle… just going along to fit in. I tried to believe to fit in. Instead of being reasonable I pushed my reasoning aside and attempted to believe things that blatantly contradicted what I had believed before.

I feel as if I have been hedged in for so long that I am having trouble separating myself from simply going along with others. I am having trouble separating my rational processes from the fears and emotions. There is an invisible fence around my thinking that I installed and now I am trying to find my way out.

Some may ask why i need to get out. I need to get out because I am tired of trying to live a life that I know deep inside is only half true. Plus, I cannot think and rationally process things very well. It is as if that center of my brain has been clouded or shut down. There is a hedge and I want it gone.

Now, this understanding is good and all, but I still find myself without ability to do so. There is still something in me that is keeping me from fully engaging down this path. I remember at one point breaking mentally, literally feeling as if something snapped because of the stress between what I was coming to believe and the sheer horror of being rejected. From that point on it seemed as if the truth no longer mattered. I remember writing in my journal that it felt as if I no longer cared about the truth. I just wanted the pain to go away. It scared me… because one of my fundamental convictions, at least before that time, was to be as authentic and genuine as possible. I wanted to be real to myself and to the world around me. But the stress literally became so great that the conviction that I had for the truth was left a tattered mess, only a shadow of what once was.

It is from this place that I am attempting to rebuild that conviction. I am attempting to engage in this journey once again, trying to to rebuild the ruins of my mind so that they may endure the testing that comes. They say a bone that is broken is stronger the second time around, lets just hope that the same is with the rampart of my convictions and mind.

Fear of being hurt

Sometimes you never know how deep a wound goes, especially the ones that happen to us during childhood. This past few years have been enlightening as far as my past is concerned. I have discovered several important things about myself. I have seen where some of my strengths may lie and also where some of my weaknesses are. But this one, this stubborn enigma, has stayed veiled beneath the lenses through which I view reality. That is, perhaps until now.

I am beginning to see more and more where my fear of being hurt or rejected has shaped the way that I form relationships and get along with other people. I used to believe that trust was an easy thing for me. At least, I didn’t think that my trust was so inhibited, but now I believe that I may have been fooling myself all along. Tonight I realized that I might not be letting people in after all.

While I was talking to my lovely : ) girlfriend i was reflecting on my other relationships with friends and family. I noted that I didn’t really feel sad or an intense feeling of missing someone under normal circumstances (and even under some very un-normal ones as well). When i left my home state, my friends, most of my family and didn’t know if I would be back again I didn’t feel that sad or torn. Sadly the same thing is happening in my relationship with my girlfriend albeit at a veerry different level, (i think would definitely have some reservations against leaving her and it would be hard for me, especially if i didn’t know if i was going to return). This is what leads me to believe that I may not be letting people into my life as I should.

After a nasty incident of feeling rejected when I was little (at least i think this could be the cause) I don’t think that I put much trust in people. This was further developed by (or was it is developed into….)a pressure to do everything myself. I generally didn’t depend on anyone else for help. I tried to do things alone and, as many in my school growing up can vouch for, I didn’t speak much to other people. Now i have trouble depending on other people for anything. But isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? I have perhaps avoided a lot of letdown, but still, isn’t the occasional letdown worth the reconciliation and the intimacy that follows?

Now I have come to the part of the story that i need to do something about it. But what do I do? What can I change to open up my heart to trust others more easily? Perhaps I learn to depend on them. Perhaps I start to put trust in them. I know that I cannot put my full trust in them because they will let me down at some time or another, but God won’t.

… How does this affect my relationship with Him?

Do I not trust Him? My mind needs reconciliation with my heart over these questions of inerrancy, science, reason, truth, and faith… or does it? Is it simply a matter of trust? But I know if I try to just do that the nagging will never go away. I cannot ignore these things, yet i must find a way to trust Him in the meantime. Or are those things antithetical? To have questions and to trust? No they aren’t. One can be sure of the answer, but not know how it works… thus still having questions. But, i guess I am not so sure of the answer. Please God, help me. I think this all centers around inerrancy/science/faith.

Wait… can i not have faith and trust in the moment regardless? Couldn’t it be possible for me to not know the answers to my questions of science/faith/inerrancy (and still seeking them) but still to trust that God is there regardless or not of whether my presuppositions about the science/faith/inerrancy issue are true? If they are true then it is complicated. (if inerrant=faith in scriptures easier, reconciliation with science harder) If they are false it is complicated. (if not inerrant= faith in accuracy of scriptures harder, relationship with science much much easier) There is no getting around the issue. It is going to be complicated whether i like it or not. Perhaps i really need to search this issue out and get to the bottom of it… though I can do it trusting that He is there and He is true regardless.

Oh well, I got derailed for a little bit there. Still, there is much to do and much yet to be unlocked about why I am the way I am. For now I will try to trust God more while seeking answers and I will try to depend on other people more while trying to find out what it means to do that while not placing them as idols in my heart. Please help me Jesus. I really need it in this right now. Amen,

No time like the present

Hey all! I haven’t updated in a while and since I am up anyways tonight and I can’t do much about it (because i’ve come down with a case of the stomach flu O.o) I might as well write a blog entry.

Well, a lot of things have happened since I last posted on this blog. I have graduated from my university and now have two B.A.’s. I have one in Biblical Studies: Theology and Ethics emphasis and one in Contemporary Christian Ministry. Currently I am still looking for a job though.

One hard thing about looking for a job is that I do not want to use my majors to get me a job in ministry. This may sound a little weird, but let me explain. I am already involved in a ministry and i wouldn’t want to leave it simply because it pays better.

There is another issue however. I would like to see myself in a better spot spiritually before I took on any paid ministry position. I don’t feel as if my spiritual walk is as good as it could be. Of course I have to be careful because I tend to be a perfectionist. I think that if even one part of my walk with God is off I feel like it isn’t good enough. My sense of perfectionism can be problematic.

Let’s see. Other than that, things are going good with my lovely girlfriend : ) She is wonderful and patient with me. Alright. I think I am going to sign off for now. Maybe I can get some rest now. Please pray for me all that I will get over this soon. Thanks! bye!

Coming to the end of Self-pity.... I hope

Alright, so I think that I have sat on my bum for too long feeling bad and horribly bleh on the inside. I have had this huge controversy and competition going on inside my head between the realms of faith and doubt and have just ... kind of... sank into the mud. I just mulled over everything over and over again. And I haven't had the compulsion to do anything about it, until now. I am tired of wading around, no, sinking in the midst of the pit of dispair about my condition. If I am ever going to get over this I need to get up and do something about it.

So, here I am going. I am attempting to stand up and start walking. How might you ask? I am going to actually start researching the things that are causing me problems. I am going to start researching the objects of my doubt. I am going to learn more about these "facts" and claims that are causing me problems. And, I am also going to have to examine myself and keep an open mind. If I can't keep an open mind, maybe I can't keep my integrity. I don't want to just close my mind.

Part of me is scared though.

I don't know what is going to happen. But I figure that this is the only way I am ever going to be able to be a on fire Christian with a strong conviction toward what I believe. I am passing through the fire. I'm tired of sitting at the gate moping about how hard it is or is going to be. In some ways I feel that this path is the only way through this.

Then part of me thinks... should I just trust what I have been taught? Should I just ignore what evidence is saying or should I pursue what is found to be compelling? In other words, should I just trust God that He is who He is, or should I address my questions full on in an attempt to find the truth? (Though I think that if I tried simply to just trust it would tear me apart because I don't think I would ever be fully convinced with my whole faculties... both in head and in heart. There would always be this lingering bit of ... "?")

One of the key things about Christianity though is a strong conviction about the truth and wisdom and understanding. So, pursuing the truth could in fact be exactly what God would want me to do. But, what about the parts that say that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And what if the truth you are questioning is with the Lord Himself? Would God condemn an honest seeker and not allow Him to find the truth. In some ways I think that an open mind is a sign of true humility. (But can't steadfast conviction also be a sign of absolute trust?... something that God really desires?)

So, my condition of just sitting here, while it in part may be because of self-pity, is also because of a conflict of interests. I don't want to turn away and yet I want to seek the truth. Those two seem to be in opposition to each other. I don't want to walk from what I have been taught and yet I have a strong conviction that the truth must be sought and that I cannot live in full integrity until I am living fully in what I believe. I am torn.

Is it ok for me to search? Is it a moral obligation for me to do so? And yet, should I try to remain faithful? And what does that look like?

Regardless, being stuck in a stalemate isn't helping me at all. I have found that with research and searching comes a greater sense of clarity about the vague issues we worry about. So, perhaps, the only thing I can do is start searching and researching. (But again I feel torn because I feel as if I am refusing to just trust... O.o.... I don't want to be stuck... and if I step away from searching I don't feel that I will ever be the person I could be... constantly held back by doubt... and if I search... I worry that the fire may be too intense; however....

...even if the fire is intense... can God not carry me through? If He is really there, then of course He is more than able. So, why should I worry? If I search and trust Him to lead me through, even through the times I may loose sight of Him and stray.. to a place where perhaps my faith is more refined than ever before... and things seem so much clearer and brighter than before... then He will lead me through and I will have nothing to worry about. Maybe I just need to trust God that if He is really there, He will lead me through the storm. It may not be easy... and I can't give up and sit down in self-pity... but maybe this is the most worthwhile pursuit that I can undertake right now. (but is it more worthwhile than just trying to trust...... sigh)

One thing is clear though. I shouldn't do this alone. Alone, I am weak and see things from only one perspective. God please give me strength and people that I can talk to about these things. Help me to find a community to grow in and ask questions where it is safe. Please Lord, guide me and my life. Please help me. In Jesus name, amen.

Thinking about what happened

(note: yes, this post is a bit confusing at times because my mind is bouncing around addressing questions from its own avenues of thinking. If it doesn't seem coherent, then it probably isn't... at least not without a bit of intuative reading. Sorry all. I don't really feel like editing it right now. I'm gonna go to bed. latas!)


Tonight I have been thinking a lot about my faith, and I think that, at least in part, I have come to see what happened to me to get me to the sad state that I have been in. I think I had becomed disillusioned with Christians and the way that they actually lived compared to everyone else in the world.

As time went on, since my time back from Ohio, I have seen less and less difference between people who call themselves Christians and the world around me. But, that(!) I believe has been my passion, my hiding passion if you will; my passion to see the church become everything that it was "supposed" to be. I don't think that I believe in an idealized early church as much as I believe that we can return to authentic faith that is intentionally separated from sin. (not that you can become truly perfect here on earth, or that our efforts toward purity somehow save us... that isn't true; but rather that we have a faith that chooses not to involve ourselves in things that promote sin) I don't know. It's all one of those things you desire... that if you aren't careful can lead to legalism. But I think that that tension is there. It's a desire to be separate from sin, but to not go into a legalistic spirit.

hmmm. Lord, please ignite Your truth inside of me. Help me to burn with Your fire and to be Yours. Help me with my doubts and frustrations. Help me through my difficult times and help me to remember You in the good times. In Jesus name, amen!

Part of this discovery was that I realized that even if God showed up and revealed Himself to me directly, I seriously questioned whether or not it would still get through to me. My heart has become hard, but God's hand is ever the potter's hand who can mold me and give me a new, soft hard that is tender to His will.

Please do keep me in yours prayers.

Also, I think I discovered that I have been wallowing in self-pity. I'm still trying to figure out if that is totally true or not, but if so, I need to stop mopeing and get moving.

Peace in Christ to you all

Thinking about the truth

I have been thinking about my state as a Christian so far. Right now, I don't think that I am doing so well. I think that I am a sick Christian... that my spiritual health is not great. So, I have turned to some introspection.

Please Lord as I write this post, guide my words, my mind, my heart, and my thoughts. Protect me from the enemy and show me the truth. In Jesus name, amen.

My latest considerations have been about truth. Now, first of all, this is not about the validity or such of an absolute truth. I believe that there is an absolute truth out there. No, this is rather about my current apathy concerning trying to find the truth. My attitude toward finding and knowing the truth has become indifferent. In a way, I no longer care. let me explain.

For the last three or so years I have been struggling in my faith with some serious doubt complications. The sad thing is that while I would get boosts of spiritual caffiene or some kind of spiritual high, the malady of my condition was never addressed. I still had those doubts resting underneath.

Doubts; these were not your stray thought kind of doubts that you quickly recover from. These were serious questions that I had that were never answered, and this coupled with a disillusionment in my experience with God (which is not His fault) created quite a bit of inner turmoil on top of my previous problems.

However, as I was having those doubts I had always had the desire to know the truth. That, in fact, was one of the reasons why the doubts were possible in the first place. I wanted to know the truth. What I had learned about Christianity, the Bible, and experience didn't seem to line up with what I saw and experienced. So, naturally, I wondered why. One of the tenets that I held to firmly at this time was an attitude similar to "question everything." This, at the least, was a part in my life that I held to intellectual integrity. I had serious doubts and wanted to know the truth, even if it was something hard.

I think that changed. A year or so ago the stress from the doubts and my longing desire to keep holding to Christianity created a mental conflict so intense that there was a very noticeable mental "snap." It wasn't like I went crazy or anything. I think I just lost all desire to know the truth. I no longer cared. In fact I wrote in my journals that it was as if I really didn't care anymore. (this, of course, bothered me) I wonder now if it was at that point that my intellectual integrity was compromised.

Suffice to say, I now find myself in a relationship with God that seems fake and contrived though I know there is a desire in my heart for it. He just doesn't seem real anymore, even if I keep going. That has been my motto. Just keep going, hoping that God will reveal Himself to me. And, I don't plan on giving up either. In fact, if I think back about my relationship with God, it often felt like I was the kid on the outside looking in... the one that sat and watched everyone else commune with God, but didn't get to have that luxury unless I exerted an extreme amount of spiritual striving. Not that I never felt that such things occured... it was just that it took a lot of effort on my part before I felt like God took notice and showed up. (and not always... there have been some times when He has just shown up, but the biggest part has been out of striving... at least I feel)

So, its not that I feel I am not seeking after Christ, I just feel like I am in a bad dream that I cannot wake up from, and I am having doubts about whether or not this is the dream. I need some serious prayer from my friends and family out there.

But yes, back to the issue of truth. I want to re-integrate what was split on that day. I want to gain my intellectual integrity back. I want to seek after the truth and not after comfortability. If God is the truth then He should show Himself as such, right? Honest reflection and searching should point me in the right direction, as well as who He is... and His part in all of this. Plus I have a feeling that He would want me to have intellectual integrity as well. Perhaps, Christ would urge an honest search for the truth.

So, I sit here typing this, thinking this, but feeling totally different. I don't have that strong drive for the truth burning in me right now. In fact, right now I feel rather apathetic toward it all. But, something keeps pushing me to it. I wonder if maybe this could even be God's plan for me... to search for the answers to the questions that I have and to have honest reflection on them, so that others might be encouraged by what I find... perhaps others will come to Christ through this.

Just pray for me. I keep going by God's grace, but am trying to re-integrate this desire for truth... and the desire to search honestly. I have caved, but God can help me to re-integrate and find the truth that I never felt I had fully grasped.

This is Home - Swtichfoot Music Video

and! Just for kicks....! yeah!!! haha

God and I, and Jon Foreman

You know, sometimes I get really concerned about my relationship with God and what is going to happen, but I think that God is doing a work in me : ) He is moving me back toward Him and He is holding me and helping me through all of this. I was listening tonight to a few tracks by Jon Foreman, from his "Summer" album. I must say that some of it isn't exactly my style, but it isn't so much the style that wraps me in as much as it is how profound the lyrics are. I have always been a fan of Jon's music since I realized the depth that lie beneath the surface of the lyrics. There has been many a song that struck a heart chord within me. It resonates with my soul in a beautiful dance.

anyways, I was listening to a track by him tonight called "again." You can listen to it at http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman. It struck me and I felt a bit of reassurance that God is bringing me back to a closer relationship with Him.

(another incredible song is "instead of a show." Go check it out! No, seriously. haha, if you can and you have the time, check it out.)

But anyways, I think that I am going to go to bed now. It is pretty late and I am getting up around 6:30 or so. So, i'll catch you all later and keep the Lord at the center of your heart. (haha of course by His grace and power entirely)

"... that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Phil 1:6b NKJV

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christi Jesus has also laid hold of me." Phil 3:12 NKJV

lata!

5 Good things about today 7 23 08 edition. haha

1. I had a bit of leftover beef teriyaki for part of my lunch. The rice wasn't that great but oooooooooh! was the beef good. :-D haha

2. I am going to be able to go over to my friends house tonight to pack for tomorrow! we are heading out to the youth conference in Lompoc, California at 4:00 in the morning. I think it can be a fun trip.

3. Today was the last day of work for the week!! hurray!!! haha

4. I am able to write these things out in the library and I have been able to think about more of what is going on inside of me. (Think and perhaps understand it more, but only by God's grace.)

5. Uuuuumm. I gotta go, so this might seem silly. But, I was able to have some snacks during the first part of my day. That was kewl. i bought them last night and kind of felt bad about spending the money, but. Hey, it tasted alright this morning. Oooo... i had half a poppy seed muffin this morning too.

haha alright. I'll talk to you guys later!

What are your top 5 good things of the day?

Looking in the mirror

I have been thinking a lot today about what drives me. I have always regarded myself as someone who was seeking after the truth; someone who wanted to know what is real. And while I can say that it might be true to an extent, I believe I have uncovered a more disturbing reality behind the push for understanding and knowledge. I think I have a lot of brokenness inside. (Now, I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything. Just to get it out and better understand it.)

I think that basically, at the root of it all, I have some deep insecurities about myself. I don't feel like I am good enough or worth enough or something like that. At least I have a low view of myself; that I am someone worthy of being rejected and such.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I think it is a combination of what I am feeling and the evidence as exemplified through my life. I think that the reason I push so hard to understand is so that I can feel better about myself. I have a tendency to want to know the truth and tell others the truth. But, i know that I do not feel a tendency toward gentleness, but rather a push of arrogance in that display of knowledge. In some ways I wonder if it is similar to the plight of the bully, except I have a push to be an intellectual bully. The bully in the physical treats others badly, exerting power over others sometimes to make himself feel more secure, to make himself feel as if he is good enough or strong enough. Generally, what I am trying to get at is that his insecurities manifest in a manner that abuses others. Now my abuse is not really one that has manifested itself very much. It probably has at one time or another, but thanks be to God that He has given me enough self control to curtail it. However, regardless of whether the action comes out, I feel it bubbling on the inside.

So, I feel that I have some deep insecurities that drive me to desire to be better than others in my knowledge of things. To be at the top to tell and know the truth, not to help others but to salve the deep hurt on my soul that says that I am not good enough. The big problem is, how can this be fixed? How can my soul be healed from the pain it feels deep inside? The only thing I can think to do is give it to God. But, what does that mean? These feelings still surface and the struggle continues. What will it take to mend this soul?

My soul will be mended by knowing my identity in Christ. If I can know and truly understand who I am in the light of who He is then my weary soul will be at rest and I can have peace and truly start to become who God created me to be. Please pray for me. Thanks

5 Good things about today

Alright, so, in an effort to improve my outlook on life I am trying to start thinking about five good things from my day. (sometimes I can get so wrapped up with my difficulties that I forget to see the blessings.) Sooooo, here goes.

1. I was able to talk a little bit to Bogdon about some of what is going on in my faith. That is good. : )

2. The car started this morning! We were getting ready for work and my dad decided to go get some gas for the car. But! when he went out to start the car... dun dun dun... it wouldn't start. We have had this problem on and off for a while. The security light blinks when we turn the key and taunts us. it goes... "blink blink blink... hahaha." Really, it comes through the speakers. haha jk ;-) but really it does blink. Anyways, after a little bit of fiddling around with it my dad was able to get it started! that was really kewl too

3. hmmmmmmm. I am able to come to the library and type down these things. That is good. Trying to get back to an authentic faith and an authentic person. That is good too. Thats two things, but I will count them as one today.

4. I didn't get a bunch of white thingies in my hair from being up near the ceiling! that is good too. I remember last week after I was up near a ceiling I had several in my hair. I might have had one or two today. But I don't think it was like last week.

5. I was able to get a little extra sleep in today! that was good. I slept until 6:40 instead of 6:00 or 6:20.

Please pray for me all. I need God's help to get me through all this. Thanks!

Becoming Real

I think that for a while I have struggled with being real with myself about where I am in my faith and such. And, so, as the title implies I am feeling as if I need to become more real. I need to be more honest with myself about such things. This doesn't come on the heels of random chance, but rather I feel as if perhaps God is guiding me back to this place.

I feel as though my walk with God for the last few years off and on has been less than desireable. I have struggled at times to keep believing, but at some times I feel more faith and belief than I have felt in a long time. I have in a way betrayed the purpose of this blog because I haven't been openly portaying my Christian walk and the struggles that I am facing. Hopefully that perhaps can be remedied.

I honestly don't know where to begin.

But I do believe in a real faith, an authenitic faith.

There was a time in my life where I was hard core on fire for God. I didn't really feel a lot of doubts. I had lots of faith and belief. But now I have come to a lower point in my faith where I am riddled with all kinds of doubts and stuff. It was so much so at one point that it seemed as if something inside me snapped... because I was wrestling with faith and doubt to the limit of mental exhaustion. And I think that at that point I stopped being real with myself about where I was and what I believed. I stopped trying to figure out the truth and started to simply survive as a Christian.

Now it seems I am being urged back into the pursuit of truth. And perhaps this is indeed where God is leading me. The reason i say this is because I really wonder if the only way that my faith will ever be strong again is if I let go of trying to survive and start owning up to where I really am and go from there.

I feel as though I have stopped in the race, sat on the ground with my ears plugged and simply tried to sing the doubts away. (but all along I didn't think to much about, or i ignored the fact that I also stopped moving in my faith as well.) So, to put it simply, I feel as though my efforts to remain faithful have perhaps, in a way, subverted my walk with Christ. My efforts to remain have kept me from an authentic faith.

I was talking to pastor Loren about some of these things and he definitely feels that I should pursue the truth. And I believe that I am coming to see that it needs to be done authentically. Thats the only way my problems in faith are ever going to be resolved... through an honest search, not a desperate attempt to survive. There is a lot of work that needs to be done. I have gotten so many little tweaks in my faith. But it is true that there are not too many that an all powerful God could not get out.

I am seeking the truth; asking Christ to guide me; for the Holy Spirit's help. Honesty, perhaps that is what I really need.

God Addict

I went to God thinking that He could solve my problem, but He didn’t. Not because He couldn’t, but because His solution wasn’t what I was looking for. The solution I was looking for was similar to the newlywed experience… or the just started dating experience. I felt accepted because of the feelings and the experience that I was having with Him. When that feeling and experience went away I might not have felt accepted anymore. I kept going back to God more and more and could it be that just like a drug I needed more and more of it in order to get the same kind of high? But that high, that solution had to require more and more of me… more devotion… more time reading… more time doing all the stuff that I should in order to be close to God.

I had the pain. God was my drug.

But it never solved to problem. It never got across to me that I was accepted… the only thing that happened was the pain went away. And when I stopped feeling the effects of the drug, for whatever reason… whether not doing it enough or whatever, I began to feel as if God was rejecting me. And perhaps if I couldn’t attain that feeling, then I wasn’t accepted. That feeling meant I was accepted and if I did not have that feeling, I was sure or at least felt… maybe not sure…that I wasn’t.

I was a God addict.

He isn’t there primarily to take away the pain. Something is causing the pain and it needs to be dealt with. The closeness I felt brought peace to my heart, but it was only a drug to cover the symptom, because when that feeling went away, whether it was true or not, I did not feel accepted. I felt rejected.

I pursued Him as the solution to my pain, but the drug didn’t work. It was never supposed to work like that. You can’t mask the pain all the time, you have to get the thorn out. You can’t go to God to primarily solve your pain. Otherwise you are just chasing another type of drug.

I fought so hard and long to be close to God, not because I loved Him or stuff like that, but rather because He took away the pain. But, because those experiences do not last forever, the pain continued and resurfaced. This might have pushed me on toward more and more devotion, but it never did anything to the inner condition that caused the pain in the first place.

Perhaps it also reinforced that idea that I had to do this this and this to be accepted. I had to do the right thing in order to be accepted. I had to please people to gain their favor and acceptance. I didn’t believe that I could be accepted or that I was accepted just for who I was. Just for who I am.

My issue is acceptance. I don’t believe, because of events that occurred to me early on in life, that I can be accepted just for who I am. That is my problem, and I don’t need a fix to cover the pain. I need to understand that I am accepted. I need to know that I am cared for by God regardless of what I have done or will do. I need to know that I am unconditionally accepted. I need to know the truth… and the truth will set me free.

(Thanks to Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz; his thoughts sparked a tangent in my mind that led me here… and first and foremost to God, who guided me with those thoughts.)

Stumbling on Job

So, today I opened up to the book of Job and read for a while. I'm not exactly why I turned it there but the first part of it got me interested. I kept reading and pretty much skipped to around the end when Elihu speaks to Job about God's righteousness and goodness. And I think it really hit me deep inside.

You see, I have, for the past few years, had this feeling that I was being unjustly or unfairly treated by God. I had read the book of Job before but I had never realized as much of the fullness of the meaning as I have now. I believe that I accused God of treating me unfairly. I was angry, upset on the inside. But Elihu's comments got to me. God is just and not only that he is righteous and good. Who am I to think that I could judge God?

I was also upset because I felt as if I wanted to come to Him, begging Him to let me in, but He just wouldn't. I felt that I had done my part but God was just letting me hang. I felt as if I was doing what was right and He wasn't doing His part of the deal. Then BAM, by reading Job I realized that I had been seeing myself as more righteous than God was.

Whatever difficulties we go through in life and whatever happens we can know and trust that God is just, God is righteous, God is good, and that He is in control. If we ever get to the place that we start condemning God or thinking that we have been unjustly treated by Him then we are treading on dangerous ground. For who has any right to speak to God like that. Can I stand in a position to say, "God, I know better than you do about this"? Do we dare speak to the one who sees every aspect and angle of every situation and complain that He doesn't know what He is doing? It is pride in our hearts and evil to think that we could know righteousness and truth and justice better than God.

We need to trust, no matter what, that not only can God do whatever He wants because He is God, but that He, along with that, is always righteous, is always good, is always just. He is a God full of loving-kindness and mercy.

I used to look at the Old Testament and complain in my mind about how God seemed to do some pretty horrible stuff. "How could he be a God of love" I would say. But if you look you see that the character of God shown in the Old Testament is one of especially great love, kindness, and mercy. Just take a look at the book of Jonah. Sometimes we seem to think that we can judge God from our tiny miniscule angles. We just can't.

At a loss

I feel out of touch with my mind or who I used to be. I don't even know if that makes much sense, but that is the way I feel right now. It feels like something has changed in my brain and that I no longer think about things the same way that I used to. It is as if my cognitive abilities took a leave of absence.

Now, while this is true I don't believe it was something that happened overnight either. Several months ago I came upon a really hard period in my life where my mind and faith were pushed to the limits, placed at odds against one another... fighting hard on both sides. They were fighting hard until one day... when i just seemed to snap.

Yup, snapped.

All of a sudden it seemed as if I didn't really care anymore. I remember writing in my journal that I didn't really have any motivation for seeking the truth. I just didn't care anymore. Well, let me tell you that is not a good place to be. In fact it was very hard for me.

During that time though I was picked up from the midst of a broken mess and brought back into the arms of a loving God (had I really ever left?). However, while this was happening I pretty much ignored anything having to do with reason. I didn't think about things very hard. In fact I started spending less and less time reflecting on things. (and if you knew me before hand you would know how much I like to just sit and think... or well how much i had to just sit and process things.)

So thats what I think the problem is. I think that maybe I've been out of it for so long that i'm just out of practice. It's hard to form congruency when you have been living in a jumbled mess... and it takes a while to sort things out. But I want to start doing that again.

However, on the flip side, I don't think that reason will play as big of a role in my faith as it did before. It's not that I am trying to separate the two. In fact, if I don't use reason to some extent i'm bound to end up with all sorts of weird doctrinal errors. But, what I'm talking about is letting reason take precedence over faith. My faith is in God and not in reason. So, even if reason goes against what I feel is true by faith I must walk by faith. I cannot trust reason because reason is limited to a sphere of knowledge.

Now I do not speak these things concerning some doctrinal matters otherwise again i could end up believing all kinds of weird stuff. Instead I try to limit the realm of reason at God and His son Jesus Christ. That is a realm that reason can work for, but it must never touch/control. The Lord is my God and reason will not take His place.

This also means that when I look at issues in theology I look at them differently than before. Whereas I used to trust reasonable thinking to determine the truth, I now have less confidence in the power of reason. This comes from reasoning about reasoning. I realized that my sphere of knowledge would determine the outcome of my reasoning. For instance, in a court of law one must be proved guilty. This is a matter of evidence. If the evidence proves beyond reasonable doubt that one is guilty, then they are found to be guilty (or should be). In a way the amount of evidence in a court trial is comparable to the sphere of knowledge that I am talking about. There could be an important piece of evidence missing that would change the entire trial around. Just as this is true, there could be one piece of knowledge that would totally flip the way one would understand an issue through reason. Therefore, absolute certainty about a topic cannot be arrived through reason.

This does not mean that there is not an "absolute." (if you want to call it that though it has some connotations i don't like) It just means that you cannot completely arrive at it through the use of reason.

However, when we make this conclusion we must be careful that we don't overlook the fact that while reason may not be able to bring us to a complete conclusion concerning things it can bring us within the realm of a reasonable conclusion. Or can it?

In order for something to be a reasonable conclusion it should contain a large majority of the evidence... or of the sphere of knowldge. Of the 100% of the evidence or sphere of knowledge perhaps the amount required for a reasonable assumption would be 80% or so. However, when it comes to God, we can't even begin to imagine the edge of that kind of sphere of knowledge.
His ways are far beyond our ways. We couldn't ever be able to say we have enough information to make a reasonable assumption.

Here I am obviously speaking in spiritual terms, not in terms of science. In science we can determine the validity of a reasonable assumption through experiments and results. It's not exactly that easy to do that with God. God is not something we can master... in fact, He is someOne we could never even hope to master or control, nor should we ever even begin to think we can. May God be revered forever, the eternally blessed God.

So, basically, if I were to wrap this all up in a nutshell, I use reason as a tool, acknowledging its limits. It can help us to be fairly certain about things, but as to their complete certainty it leaves us lacking.

May I say though that when it comes to scripture I believe each point it makes is in congruence with the truth. So, even if it says two things that look like they are contrary, there is a way in which they work together to form the complete picture. The scriptures do not contradict themselves, at least not in their original texts. As for the texts we have now that are not the originals, i take that any apparent contradictions are at fault because of transcription errors, yet all the rest can be trusted. (Though we must not write something off as a transcription error so quickly either.)

ok ok so I rambled about thoughts about reason and the Bible and God and stuff... but thats what I do. so, yeah. Alright... i'll write later hopefully.

Rambling, theology, and lables

Alright, alright. So, it's been a while. Who reads this thing anyways. But, I just wanted to type some stuff up here. Things have been busy. I'm finding my college work challenging. Well.. haha... i guess i'm finding that getting the reading done is more challenging. It's weird. You would think that it wouldn't be that bad. All I am taking right now, officially anyways, is 15.5 units. But, the thing is that they are mostly upper division courses and I really, really want to be able to engage in these courses. I don't want to float through and try to get a good grade. I want to learn from what I am reading. But, I guess that means actually reading.

If you made it through that paragraph congrats ;-)

um, yeah.

So, recently I have been looking more and more into theology. I want to be able to talk about theology with different people so, why not have a theologically themed blog? Eh.... well... i guess that if I'm going to author a theology blog it might be a good idea to actually write every once in a while. Well..... I doubt I could actually just hold it to theology. So, here I am back at my all purpose blog again.

hmmmm... what to do?

Well, as of at least the last post that I made I have started to use labels to help sort out which posts are talking about what. If I do talk about theology maybe it would be good to use labels so people could find those entries easier. Oh my writing style has become so discontiguous. Forgive me, I've been out of practice for a while.

Hopefully I'll get back to writing in here on a consistant basis. Laaata

Who I am ... Part 2

In some ways I think that maybe I should give a clearer picture of who I am and who I have become. Postmodernity is quite a large area, just to say that I find myself identifying with the postmodern movement might make some think that I do not believe in an objective truth or that I am relativistic. While those things are part of the larger secular postmodern culture, I do not claim those parts of postmodernity. In all reality there are good parts and bad parts to postmodernity. The good parts, the emphasis on community, relational ministry, the desire for authenticity, and more are the parts that I find myself identifying with along with a tendency to question tradition and things that have been established. I do not however go along with any idea that says that truth is relative or that there are many ways to God.

As far as the part about being not quite fundamentalist or evangelical I must say that I do not differ greatly from the ideas that are within those realms. I go along with much of what they have to say, just not all of it.

I'm searching for the truth; for the way that things are supposed to be. I want to know God as He really is and to follow Him. I want to understand the way that reality is. And in reality, it is all about God.

Urge to write

Have you ever just had the urge to write? It isn't because you think you should because you haven't been updating, but rather, it is actually just a random urge for me today. I was sitting outside in my backyard trying to catch up on some reading for class. I had gotten a chair out and set it up. I brought along a few other items just in case I needed them. Also, one of the reasons why I went to sit outside was so that a cat, not really our cat though, could come and lay in my lap as I read.

As I went on reading it felt like God spoke to my heart about something. That cat was not mine. I didn't own it, but I was sitting there with it lying in my lap as I read my book. I began to feel guilty and somehow this got linked to marriage. Ok, yeah, being married to a cat is not my thing... no, definitely not that kind of stuff. I mean like linked to the idea of a marriage between a husband and his wife. Just like that cat was not mine and yet it was sitting in my lap, if there is someone else in our lives other than our wives, they aren't ours to hold. We don't have any right to be with them. They don't belong to us (wife belonging to husband and husband belonging to wife). We have absolutely no right to be there with them.

How all this got related to a cat I am not sure, but it made me think. Marriage is serious business. You give yourself to one person for life and if you are with someone else in the midst of that then it's wrong. Fidelity is important. And God gives grace to us for those who have made mistakes. I don't know why I am writing this, but, if you are out there and you are in a relationship with someone that is not your wife and you are already married to someone then i want you to know that it isn't right. But God can forgive you. Don't let your present activity in it deter you from getting right with God. Go back to God, go back to your first wife, go back to the wife of your youth. Let her know that you're sorry and that you love her with all of your heart. She is the one to whom your affection is due.

lata

Who I am

Growing up in an evangelical / fundamentalist / pentecostal / holiness background has a way of shaping the way that you view things. I was taught basic beliefs about the Bible ... inerrant, infallible, totally inspired... etc. I was taught a bunch of different doctrines and such. This was because from the time I first went to school I grew up in church and with a private Christian education, even until now. However, something began to change...

While I was ending my second year of college I felt that my life was going to change. I had no idea what was going to happen. In fact, I had made plans to keep on going to college, but after this feeling occured I had no idea what would ensue. By the time the end of summer came around I felt a call on my heart for me to go live with my sister in another state. There I began to really study the word and pray. It was, in some ways, the genesis of my own faith... of what I believed as opposed to what I had been taught.

I read and grew in the Word and in communion with God. After a few months thought things began to die down. After seven months of staying with my sister I came back and continued my college education. (Which, according to God's Divine providence, the Ohio trip made it possible for me to have the money to continue my education.)

As I continued in college I started studying theology and ministry. Suddenly tensions that I had inside of me, ones that majorly arose out of my trip to another state, began to crop up... tensions about the way I looked at things theologically and more began to be explained. I found out that I was not quite fundamentalist, that I was not quite
evangelical, and that the way I had been raised did not fit me completely.

My continuing education, coming on the heels of my trip, began to birth a new movement in my spirit. It birthed something that actually made sense to me... something that went along with my ideas and thinking; something that made me resonate deep inside, like a tuning fork. It birthed in me a journey toward a seemingly much criticized movement. A movement that many Christians within my own denomination probably look down upon... Postmodernity.

Now, here I am; finding myself in the midst of change. I just pray that God would be with me, guiding me through the storm, guiding me through my journey.