The Oblivious Script

something i whipped up

2010-03-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dealing with mistakes

2009-03-18T08:12:00.001-07:00

I used to know what I believed and why I believed it. But somehow along the way I stopped believing what I believed and instead started to try to believe what everyone else did. The truth no longer mattered to me. What mattered to me was fitting in. Sure I fit in a whole lot better, but at what cost? I found myself working to fit into something that I didn’t believe totally in the first place. Don’t get me wrong. There are parts of it I do believe, but there are many more parts that I am left without a conclusion on. And these are the questions that I gave up in favor for a more peaceful co-existance with the people I have grown up with.

The major question that bothers me currently is “How do I get back to thinking as an individual and not as a blind follower.” Maybe this is what that dream meant. (I am refering to a dream that I had in Ohio about a sheep struggling in it’s automated pen.) I was the sheep struggling to get free of the automated system. And I indeed have fallen into the trap of the automated christian circle… just going along to fit in. I tried to believe to fit in. Instead of being reasonable I pushed my reasoning aside and attempted to believe things that blatantly contradicted what I had believed before.

I feel as if I have been hedged in for so long that I am having trouble separating myself from simply going along with others. I am having trouble separating my rational processes from the fears and emotions. There is an invisible fence around my thinking that I installed and now I am trying to find my way out.

Some may ask why i need to get out. I need to get out because I am tired of trying to live a life that I know deep inside is only half true. Plus, I cannot think and rationally process things very well. It is as if that center of my brain has been clouded or shut down. There is a hedge and I want it gone.

Now, this understanding is good and all, but I still find myself without ability to do so. There is still something in me that is keeping me from fully engaging down this path. I remember at one point breaking mentally, literally feeling as if something snapped because of the stress between what I was coming to believe and the sheer horror of being rejected. From that point on it seemed as if the truth no longer mattered. I remember writing in my journal that it felt as if I no longer cared about the truth. I just wanted the pain to go away. It scared me… because one of my fundamental convictions, at least before that time, was to be as authentic and genuine as possible. I wanted to be real to myself and to the world around me. But the stress literally became so great that the conviction that I had for the truth was left a tattered mess, only a shadow of what once was.

It is from this place that I am attempting to rebuild that conviction. I am attempting to engage in this journey once again, trying to to rebuild the ruins of my mind so that they may endure the testing that comes. They say a bone that is broken is stronger the second time around, lets just hope that the same is with the rampart of my convictions and mind.

Fear of being hurt

2009-02-01T01:33:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you never know how deep a wound goes, especially the ones that happen to us during childhood. This past few years have been enlightening as far as my past is concerned. I have discovered several important things about myself. I have seen where some of my strengths may lie and also where some of my weaknesses are. But this one, this stubborn enigma, has stayed veiled beneath the lenses through which I view reality. That is, perhaps until now.

I am beginning to see more and more where my fear of being hurt or rejected has shaped the way that I form relationships and get along with other people. I used to believe that trust was an easy thing for me. At least, I didn’t think that my trust was so inhibited, but now I believe that I may have been fooling myself all along. Tonight I realized that I might not be letting people in after all.

While I was talking to my lovely : ) girlfriend i was reflecting on my other relationships with friends and family. I noted that I didn’t really feel sad or an intense feeling of missing someone under normal circumstances (and even under some very un-normal ones as well). When i left my home state, my friends, most of my family and didn’t know if I would be back again I didn’t feel that sad or torn. Sadly the same thing is happening in my relationship with my girlfriend albeit at a veerry different level, (i think would definitely have some reservations against leaving her and it would be hard for me, especially if i didn’t know if i was going to return). This is what leads me to believe that I may not be letting people into my life as I should.

After a nasty incident of feeling rejected when I was little (at least i think this could be the cause) I don’t think that I put much trust in people. This was further developed by (or was it is developed into….)a pressure to do everything myself. I generally didn’t depend on anyone else for help. I tried to do things alone and, as many in my school growing up can vouch for, I didn’t speak much to other people. Now i have trouble depending on other people for anything. But isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? I have perhaps avoided a lot of letdown, but still, isn’t the occasional letdown worth the reconciliation and the intimacy that follows?

Now I have come to the part of the story that i need to do something about it. But what do I do? What can I change to open up my heart to trust others more easily? Perhaps I learn to depend on them. Perhaps I start to put trust in them. I know that I cannot put my full trust in them because they will let me down at some time or another, but God won’t.

… How does this affect my relationship with Him?

Do I not trust Him? My mind needs reconciliation with my heart over these questions of inerrancy, science, reason, truth, and faith… or does it? Is it simply a matter of trust? But I know if I try to just do that the nagging will never go away. I cannot ignore these things, yet i must find a way to trust Him in the meantime. Or are those things antithetical? To have questions and to trust? No they aren’t. One can be sure of the answer, but not know how it works… thus still having questions. But, i guess I am not so sure of the answer. Please God, help me. I think this all centers around inerrancy/science/faith.

Wait… can i not have faith and trust in the moment regardless? Couldn’t it be possible for me to not know the answers to my questions of science/faith/inerrancy (and still seeking them) but still to trust that God is there regardless or not of whether my presuppositions about the science/faith/inerrancy issue are true? If they are true then it is complicated. (if inerrant=faith in scriptures easier, reconciliation with science harder) If they are false it is complicated. (if not inerrant= faith in accuracy of scriptures harder, relationship with science much much easier) There is no getting around the issue. It is going to be complicated whether i like it or not. Perhaps i really need to search this issue out and get to the bottom of it… though I can do it trusting that He is there and He is true regardless.

Oh well, I got derailed for a little bit there. Still, there is much to do and much yet to be unlocked about why I am the way I am. For now I will try to trust God more while seeking answers and I will try to depend on other people more while trying to find out what it means to do that while not placing them as idols in my heart. Please help me Jesus. I really need it in this right now. Amen,

No time like the present

2009-01-27T05:02:00.001-08:00

Hey all! I haven’t updated in a while and since I am up anyways tonight and I can’t do much about it (because i’ve come down with a case of the stomach flu O.o) I might as well write a blog entry.

Well, a lot of things have happened since I last posted on this blog. I have graduated from my university and now have two B.A.’s. I have one in Biblical Studies: Theology and Ethics emphasis and one in Contemporary Christian Ministry. Currently I am still looking for a job though.

One hard thing about looking for a job is that I do not want to use my majors to get me a job in ministry. This may sound a little weird, but let me explain. I am already involved in a ministry and i wouldn’t want to leave it simply because it pays better.

There is another issue however. I would like to see myself in a better spot spiritually before I took on any paid ministry position. I don’t feel as if my spiritual walk is as good as it could be. Of course I have to be careful because I tend to be a perfectionist. I think that if even one part of my walk with God is off I feel like it isn’t good enough. My sense of perfectionism can be problematic.

Let’s see. Other than that, things are going good with my lovely girlfriend : ) She is wonderful and patient with me. Alright. I think I am going to sign off for now. Maybe I can get some rest now. Please pray for me all that I will get over this soon. Thanks! bye!

Coming to the end of Self-pity.... I hope

2008-08-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I think that I have sat on my bum for too long feeling bad and horribly bleh on the inside. I have had this huge controversy and competition going on inside my head between the realms of faith and doubt and have just ... kind of... sank into the mud. I just mulled over everything over and over again. And I haven't had the compulsion to do anything about it, until now. I am tired of wading around, no, sinking in the midst of the pit of dispair about my condition. If I am ever going to get over this I need to get up and do something about it.

So, here I am going. I am attempting to stand up and start walking. How might you ask? I am going to actually start researching the things that are causing me problems. I am going to start researching the objects of my doubt. I am going to learn more about these "facts" and claims that are causing me problems. And, I am also going to have to examine myself and keep an open mind. If I can't keep an open mind, maybe I can't keep my integrity. I don't want to just close my mind.

Part of me is scared though.

I don't know what is going to happen. But I figure that this is the only way I am ever going to be able to be a on fire Christian with a strong conviction toward what I believe. I am passing through the fire. I'm tired of sitting at the gate moping about how hard it is or is going to be. In some ways I feel that this path is the only way through this.

Then part of me thinks... should I just trust what I have been taught? Should I just ignore what evidence is saying or should I pursue what is found to be compelling? In other words, should I just trust God that He is who He is, or should I address my questions full on in an attempt to find the truth? (Though I think that if I tried simply to just trust it would tear me apart because I don't think I would ever be fully convinced with my whole faculties... both in head and in heart. There would always be this lingering bit of ... "?")

One of the key things about Christianity though is a strong conviction about the truth and wisdom and understanding. So, pursuing the truth could in fact be exactly what God would want me to do. But, what about the parts that say that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And what if the truth you are questioning is with the Lord Himself? Would God condemn an honest seeker and not allow Him to find the truth. In some ways I think that an open mind is a sign of true humility. (But can't steadfast conviction also be a sign of absolute trust?... something that God really desires?)

So, my condition of just sitting here, while it in part may be because of self-pity, is also because of a conflict of interests. I don't want to turn away and yet I want to seek the truth. Those two seem to be in opposition to each other. I don't want to walk from what I have been taught and yet I have a strong conviction that the truth must be sought and that I cannot live in full integrity until I am living fully in what I believe. I am torn.

Is it ok for me to search? Is it a moral obligation for me to do so? And yet, should I try to remain faithful? And what does that look like?

Regardless, being stuck in a stalemate isn't helping me at all. I have found that with research and searching comes a greater sense of clarity about the vague issues we worry about. So, perhaps, the only thing I can do is start searching and researching. (But again I feel torn because I feel as if I am refusing to just trust... O.o.... I don't want to be stuck... and if I step away from searching I don't feel that I will ever be the person I could be... constantly held back by doubt... and if I search... I worry that the fire may be too intense; however....

...even if the fire is intense... can God not carry me through? If He is really there, then of course He is more than able. So, why should I worry? If I search and trust Him to lead me through, even through the times I may loose sight of Him and stray.. to a place where perhaps my faith is more refined than ever before... and things seem so much clearer and brighter than before... then He will lead me through and I will have nothing to worry about. Maybe I just need to trust God that if He is really there, He will lead me through the storm. It may not be easy... and I can't give up and sit down in self-pity... but maybe this is the most worthwhile pursuit that I can undertake right now. (but is it more worthwhile than just trying to trust...... sigh)

One thing is clear though. I shouldn't do this alone. Alone, I am weak and see things from only one perspective. God please give me strength and people that I can talk to about these things. Help me to find a community to grow in and ask questions where it is safe. Please Lord, guide me and my life. Please help me. In Jesus name, amen.

Thinking about what happened

2008-08-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

(note: yes, this post is a bit confusing at times because my mind is bouncing around addressing questions from its own avenues of thinking. If it doesn't seem coherent, then it probably isn't... at least not without a bit of intuative reading. Sorry all. I don't really feel like editing it right now. I'm gonna go to bed. latas!)

Tonight I have been thinking a lot about my faith, and I think that, at least in part, I have come to see what happened to me to get me to the sad state that I have been in. I think I had becomed disillusioned with Christians and the way that they actually lived compared to everyone else in the world.

As time went on, since my time back from Ohio, I have seen less and less difference between people who call themselves Christians and the world around me. But, that(!) I believe has been my passion, my hiding passion if you will; my passion to see the church become everything that it was "supposed" to be. I don't think that I believe in an idealized early church as much as I believe that we can return to authentic faith that is intentionally separated from sin. (not that you can become truly perfect here on earth, or that our efforts toward purity somehow save us... that isn't true; but rather that we have a faith that chooses not to involve ourselves in things that promote sin) I don't know. It's all one of those things you desire... that if you aren't careful can lead to legalism. But I think that that tension is there. It's a desire to be separate from sin, but to not go into a legalistic spirit.

hmmm. Lord, please ignite Your truth inside of me. Help me to burn with Your fire and to be Yours. Help me with my doubts and frustrations. Help me through my difficult times and help me to remember You in the good times. In Jesus name, amen!

Part of this discovery was that I realized that even if God showed up and revealed Himself to me directly, I seriously questioned whether or not it would still get through to me. My heart has become hard, but God's hand is ever the potter's hand who can mold me and give me a new, soft hard that is tender to His will.

Please do keep me in yours prayers.

Also, I think I discovered that I have been wallowing in self-pity. I'm still trying to figure out if that is totally true or not, but if so, I need to stop mopeing and get moving.

Peace in Christ to you all

Thinking about the truth

2008-08-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my state as a Christian so far. Right now, I don't think that I am doing so well. I think that I am a sick Christian... that my spiritual health is not great. So, I have turned to some introspection.

Please Lord as I write this post, guide my words, my mind, my heart, and my thoughts. Protect me from the enemy and show me the truth. In Jesus name, amen.

My latest considerations have been about truth. Now, first of all, this is not about the validity or such of an absolute truth. I believe that there is an absolute truth out there. No, this is rather about my current apathy concerning trying to find the truth. My attitude toward finding and knowing the truth has become indifferent. In a way, I no longer care. let me explain.

For the last three or so years I have been struggling in my faith with some serious doubt complications. The sad thing is that while I would get boosts of spiritual caffiene or some kind of spiritual high, the malady of my condition was never addressed. I still had those doubts resting underneath.

Doubts; these were not your stray thought kind of doubts that you quickly recover from. These were serious questions that I had that were never answered, and this coupled with a disillusionment in my experience with God (which is not His fault) created quite a bit of inner turmoil on top of my previous problems.

However, as I was having those doubts I had always had the desire to know the truth. That, in fact, was one of the reasons why the doubts were possible in the first place. I wanted to know the truth. What I had learned about Christianity, the Bible, and experience didn't seem to line up with what I saw and experienced. So, naturally, I wondered why. One of the tenets that I held to firmly at this time was an attitude similar to "question everything." This, at the least, was a part in my life that I held to intellectual integrity. I had serious doubts and wanted to know the truth, even if it was something hard.

I think that changed. A year or so ago the stress from the doubts and my longing desire to keep holding to Christianity created a mental conflict so intense that there was a very noticeable mental "snap." It wasn't like I went crazy or anything. I think I just lost all desire to know the truth. I no longer cared. In fact I wrote in my journals that it was as if I really didn't care anymore. (this, of course, bothered me) I wonder now if it was at that point that my intellectual integrity was compromised.

Suffice to say, I now find myself in a relationship with God that seems fake and contrived though I know there is a desire in my heart for it. He just doesn't seem real anymore, even if I keep going. That has been my motto. Just keep going, hoping that God will reveal Himself to me. And, I don't plan on giving up either. In fact, if I think back about my relationship with God, it often felt like I was the kid on the outside looking in... the one that sat and watched everyone else commune with God, but didn't get to have that luxury unless I exerted an extreme amount of spiritual striving. Not that I never felt that such things occured... it was just that it took a lot of effort on my part before I felt like God took notice and showed up. (and not always... there have been some times when He has just shown up, but the biggest part has been out of striving... at least I feel)

So, its not that I feel I am not seeking after Christ, I just feel like I am in a bad dream that I cannot wake up from, and I am having doubts about whether or not this is the dream. I need some serious prayer from my friends and family out there.

But yes, back to the issue of truth. I want to re-integrate what was split on that day. I want to gain my intellectual integrity back. I want to seek after the truth and not after comfortability. If God is the truth then He should show Himself as such, right? Honest reflection and searching should point me in the right direction, as well as who He is... and His part in all of this. Plus I have a feeling that He would want me to have intellectual integrity as well. Perhaps, Christ would urge an honest search for the truth.

So, I sit here typing this, thinking this, but feeling totally different. I don't have that strong drive for the truth burning in me right now. In fact, right now I feel rather apathetic toward it all. But, something keeps pushing me to it. I wonder if maybe this could even be God's plan for me... to search for the answers to the questions that I have and to have honest reflection on them, so that others might be encouraged by what I find... perhaps others will come to Christ through this.

Just pray for me. I keep going by God's grace, but am trying to re-integrate this desire for truth... and the desire to search honestly. I have caved, but God can help me to re-integrate and find the truth that I never felt I had fully grasped.

This is Home - Swtichfoot Music Video

2008-08-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

and! Just for kicks....! yeah!!! haha

God and I, and Jon Foreman

2008-08-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes I get really concerned about my relationship with God and what is going to happen, but I think that God is doing a work in me : ) He is moving me back toward Him and He is holding me and helping me through all of this. I was listening tonight to a few tracks by Jon Foreman, from his "Summer" album. I must say that some of it isn't exactly my style, but it isn't so much the style that wraps me in as much as it is how profound the lyrics are. I have always been a fan of Jon's music since I realized the depth that lie beneath the surface of the lyrics. There has been many a song that struck a heart chord within me. It resonates with my soul in a beautiful dance.

anyways, I was listening to a track by him tonight called "again." You can listen to it at http://www.myspace.com/jonforeman. It struck me and I felt a bit of reassurance that God is bringing me back to a closer relationship with Him.

(another incredible song is "instead of a show." Go check it out! No, seriously. haha, if you can and you have the time, check it out.)

But anyways, I think that I am going to go to bed now. It is pretty late and I am getting up around 6:30 or so. So, i'll catch you all later and keep the Lord at the center of your heart. (haha of course by His grace and power entirely)

"... that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Phil 1:6b NKJV

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christi Jesus has also laid hold of me." Phil 3:12 NKJV

lata!

5 Good things about today 7 23 08 edition. haha

2008-07-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

1. I had a bit of leftover beef teriyaki for part of my lunch. The rice wasn't that great but oooooooooh! was the beef good. :-D haha

2. I am going to be able to go over to my friends house tonight to pack for tomorrow! we are heading out to the youth conference in Lompoc, California at 4:00 in the morning. I think it can be a fun trip.

3. Today was the last day of work for the week!! hurray!!! haha

4. I am able to write these things out in the library and I have been able to think about more of what is going on inside of me. (Think and perhaps understand it more, but only by God's grace.)

5. Uuuuumm. I gotta go, so this might seem silly. But, I was able to have some snacks during the first part of my day. That was kewl. i bought them last night and kind of felt bad about spending the money, but. Hey, it tasted alright this morning. Oooo... i had half a poppy seed muffin this morning too.

haha alright. I'll talk to you guys later!

What are your top 5 good things of the day?

Looking in the mirror

2008-07-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot today about what drives me. I have always regarded myself as someone who was seeking after the truth; someone who wanted to know what is real. And while I can say that it might be true to an extent, I believe I have uncovered a more disturbing reality behind the push for understanding and knowledge. I think I have a lot of brokenness inside. (Now, I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything. Just to get it out and better understand it.)

I think that basically, at the root of it all, I have some deep insecurities about myself. I don't feel like I am good enough or worth enough or something like that. At least I have a low view of myself; that I am someone worthy of being rejected and such.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I think it is a combination of what I am feeling and the evidence as exemplified through my life. I think that the reason I push so hard to understand is so that I can feel better about myself. I have a tendency to want to know the truth and tell others the truth. But, i know that I do not feel a tendency toward gentleness, but rather a push of arrogance in that display of knowledge. In some ways I wonder if it is similar to the plight of the bully, except I have a push to be an intellectual bully. The bully in the physical treats others badly, exerting power over others sometimes to make himself feel more secure, to make himself feel as if he is good enough or strong enough. Generally, what I am trying to get at is that his insecurities manifest in a manner that abuses others. Now my abuse is not really one that has manifested itself very much. It probably has at one time or another, but thanks be to God that He has given me enough self control to curtail it. However, regardless of whether the action comes out, I feel it bubbling on the inside.

So, I feel that I have some deep insecurities that drive me to desire to be better than others in my knowledge of things. To be at the top to tell and know the truth, not to help others but to salve the deep hurt on my soul that says that I am not good enough. The big problem is, how can this be fixed? How can my soul be healed from the pain it feels deep inside? The only thing I can think to do is give it to God. But, what does that mean? These feelings still surface and the struggle continues. What will it take to mend this soul?

My soul will be mended by knowing my identity in Christ. If I can know and truly understand who I am in the light of who He is then my weary soul will be at rest and I can have peace and truly start to become who God created me to be. Please pray for me. Thanks

5 Good things about today

2008-07-21T17:11:00.001-07:00

Alright, so, in an effort to improve my outlook on life I am trying to start thinking about five good things from my day. (sometimes I can get so wrapped up with my difficulties that I forget to see the blessings.) Sooooo, here goes.

1. I was able to talk a little bit to Bogdon about some of what is going on in my faith. That is good. : )

2. The car started this morning! We were getting ready for work and my dad decided to go get some gas for the car. But! when he went out to start the car... dun dun dun... it wouldn't start. We have had this problem on and off for a while. The security light blinks when we turn the key and taunts us. it goes... "blink blink blink... hahaha." Really, it comes through the speakers. haha jk ;-) but really it does blink. Anyways, after a little bit of fiddling around with it my dad was able to get it started! that was really kewl too

3. hmmmmmmm. I am able to come to the library and type down these things. That is good. Trying to get back to an authentic faith and an authentic person. That is good too. Thats two things, but I will count them as one today.

4. I didn't get a bunch of white thingies in my hair from being up near the ceiling! that is good too. I remember last week after I was up near a ceiling I had several in my hair. I might have had one or two today. But I don't think it was like last week.

5. I was able to get a little extra sleep in today! that was good. I slept until 6:40 instead of 6:00 or 6:20.

Please pray for me all. I need God's help to get me through all this. Thanks!

Becoming Real

2008-07-21T16:46:00.001-07:00

I think that for a while I have struggled with being real with myself about where I am in my faith and such. And, so, as the title implies I am feeling as if I need to become more real. I need to be more honest with myself about such things. This doesn't come on the heels of random chance, but rather I feel as if perhaps God is guiding me back to this place.

I feel as though my walk with God for the last few years off and on has been less than desireable. I have struggled at times to keep believing, but at some times I feel more faith and belief than I have felt in a long time. I have in a way betrayed the purpose of this blog because I haven't been openly portaying my Christian walk and the struggles that I am facing. Hopefully that perhaps can be remedied.

I honestly don't know where to begin.

But I do believe in a real faith, an authenitic faith.

There was a time in my life where I was hard core on fire for God. I didn't really feel a lot of doubts. I had lots of faith and belief. But now I have come to a lower point in my faith where I am riddled with all kinds of doubts and stuff. It was so much so at one point that it seemed as if something inside me snapped... because I was wrestling with faith and doubt to the limit of mental exhaustion. And I think that at that point I stopped being real with myself about where I was and what I believed. I stopped trying to figure out the truth and started to simply survive as a Christian.

Now it seems I am being urged back into the pursuit of truth. And perhaps this is indeed where God is leading me. The reason i say this is because I really wonder if the only way that my faith will ever be strong again is if I let go of trying to survive and start owning up to where I really am and go from there.

I feel as though I have stopped in the race, sat on the ground with my ears plugged and simply tried to sing the doubts away. (but all along I didn't think to much about, or i ignored the fact that I also stopped moving in my faith as well.) So, to put it simply, I feel as though my efforts to remain faithful have perhaps, in a way, subverted my walk with Christ. My efforts to remain have kept me from an authentic faith.

I was talking to pastor Loren about some of these things and he definitely feels that I should pursue the truth. And I believe that I am coming to see that it needs to be done authentically. Thats the only way my problems in faith are ever going to be resolved... through an honest search, not a desperate attempt to survive. There is a lot of work that needs to be done. I have gotten so many little tweaks in my faith. But it is true that there are not too many that an all powerful God could not get out.

I am seeking the truth; asking Christ to guide me; for the Holy Spirit's help. Honesty, perhaps that is what I really need.

God Addict

2008-04-29T18:30:00.001-07:00

I went to God thinking that He could solve my problem, but He didn’t. Not because He couldn’t, but because His solution wasn’t what I was looking for. The solution I was looking for was similar to the newlywed experience… or the just started dating experience. I felt accepted because of the feelings and the experience that I was having with Him. When that feeling and experience went away I might not have felt accepted anymore. I kept going back to God more and more and could it be that just like a drug I needed more and more of it in order to get the same kind of high? But that high, that solution had to require more and more of me… more devotion… more time reading… more time doing all the stuff that I should in order to be close to God.

I had the pain. God was my drug.

But it never solved to problem. It never got across to me that I was accepted… the only thing that happened was the pain went away. And when I stopped feeling the effects of the drug, for whatever reason… whether not doing it enough or whatever, I began to feel as if God was rejecting me. And perhaps if I couldn’t attain that feeling, then I wasn’t accepted. That feeling meant I was accepted and if I did not have that feeling, I was sure or at least felt… maybe not sure…that I wasn’t.

I was a God addict.

He isn’t there primarily to take away the pain. Something is causing the pain and it needs to be dealt with. The closeness I felt brought peace to my heart, but it was only a drug to cover the symptom, because when that feeling went away, whether it was true or not, I did not feel accepted. I felt rejected.

I pursued Him as the solution to my pain, but the drug didn’t work. It was never supposed to work like that. You can’t mask the pain all the time, you have to get the thorn out. You can’t go to God to primarily solve your pain. Otherwise you are just chasing another type of drug.

I fought so hard and long to be close to God, not because I loved Him or stuff like that, but rather because He took away the pain. But, because those experiences do not last forever, the pain continued and resurfaced. This might have pushed me on toward more and more devotion, but it never did anything to the inner condition that caused the pain in the first place.

Perhaps it also reinforced that idea that I had to do this this and this to be accepted. I had to do the right thing in order to be accepted. I had to please people to gain their favor and acceptance. I didn’t believe that I could be accepted or that I was accepted just for who I was. Just for who I am.

My issue is acceptance. I don’t believe, because of events that occurred to me early on in life, that I can be accepted just for who I am. That is my problem, and I don’t need a fix to cover the pain. I need to understand that I am accepted. I need to know that I am cared for by God regardless of what I have done or will do. I need to know that I am unconditionally accepted. I need to know the truth… and the truth will set me free.

(Thanks to Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz; his thoughts sparked a tangent in my mind that led me here… and first and foremost to God, who guided me with those thoughts.)

Stumbling on Job

2008-04-29T12:27:00.001-07:00

So, today I opened up to the book of Job and read for a while. I'm not exactly why I turned it there but the first part of it got me interested. I kept reading and pretty much skipped to around the end when Elihu speaks to Job about God's righteousness and goodness. And I think it really hit me deep inside.

You see, I have, for the past few years, had this feeling that I was being unjustly or unfairly treated by God. I had read the book of Job before but I had never realized as much of the fullness of the meaning as I have now. I believe that I accused God of treating me unfairly. I was angry, upset on the inside. But Elihu's comments got to me. God is just and not only that he is righteous and good. Who am I to think that I could judge God?

I was also upset because I felt as if I wanted to come to Him, begging Him to let me in, but He just wouldn't. I felt that I had done my part but God was just letting me hang. I felt as if I was doing what was right and He wasn't doing His part of the deal. Then BAM, by reading Job I realized that I had been seeing myself as more righteous than God was.

Whatever difficulties we go through in life and whatever happens we can know and trust that God is just, God is righteous, God is good, and that He is in control. If we ever get to the place that we start condemning God or thinking that we have been unjustly treated by Him then we are treading on dangerous ground. For who has any right to speak to God like that. Can I stand in a position to say, "God, I know better than you do about this"? Do we dare speak to the one who sees every aspect and angle of every situation and complain that He doesn't know what He is doing? It is pride in our hearts and evil to think that we could know righteousness and truth and justice better than God.

We need to trust, no matter what, that not only can God do whatever He wants because He is God, but that He, along with that, is always righteous, is always good, is always just. He is a God full of loving-kindness and mercy.

I used to look at the Old Testament and complain in my mind about how God seemed to do some pretty horrible stuff. "How could he be a God of love" I would say. But if you look you see that the character of God shown in the Old Testament is one of especially great love, kindness, and mercy. Just take a look at the book of Jonah. Sometimes we seem to think that we can judge God from our tiny miniscule angles. We just can't.

At a loss

2007-10-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

I feel out of touch with my mind or who I used to be. I don't even know if that makes much sense, but that is the way I feel right now. It feels like something has changed in my brain and that I no longer think about things the same way that I used to. It is as if my cognitive abilities took a leave of absence.

Now, while this is true I don't believe it was something that happened overnight either. Several months ago I came upon a really hard period in my life where my mind and faith were pushed to the limits, placed at odds against one another... fighting hard on both sides. They were fighting hard until one day... when i just seemed to snap.

Yup, snapped.

All of a sudden it seemed as if I didn't really care anymore. I remember writing in my journal that I didn't really have any motivation for seeking the truth. I just didn't care anymore. Well, let me tell you that is not a good place to be. In fact it was very hard for me.

During that time though I was picked up from the midst of a broken mess and brought back into the arms of a loving God (had I really ever left?). However, while this was happening I pretty much ignored anything having to do with reason. I didn't think about things very hard. In fact I started spending less and less time reflecting on things. (and if you knew me before hand you would know how much I like to just sit and think... or well how much i had to just sit and process things.)

So thats what I think the problem is. I think that maybe I've been out of it for so long that i'm just out of practice. It's hard to form congruency when you have been living in a jumbled mess... and it takes a while to sort things out. But I want to start doing that again.

However, on the flip side, I don't think that reason will play as big of a role in my faith as it did before. It's not that I am trying to separate the two. In fact, if I don't use reason to some extent i'm bound to end up with all sorts of weird doctrinal errors. But, what I'm talking about is letting reason take precedence over faith. My faith is in God and not in reason. So, even if reason goes against what I feel is true by faith I must walk by faith. I cannot trust reason because reason is limited to a sphere of knowledge.

Now I do not speak these things concerning some doctrinal matters otherwise again i could end up believing all kinds of weird stuff. Instead I try to limit the realm of reason at God and His son Jesus Christ. That is a realm that reason can work for, but it must never touch/control. The Lord is my God and reason will not take His place.

This also means that when I look at issues in theology I look at them differently than before. Whereas I used to trust reasonable thinking to determine the truth, I now have less confidence in the power of reason. This comes from reasoning about reasoning. I realized that my sphere of knowledge would determine the outcome of my reasoning. For instance, in a court of law one must be proved guilty. This is a matter of evidence. If the evidence proves beyond reasonable doubt that one is guilty, then they are found to be guilty (or should be). In a way the amount of evidence in a court trial is comparable to the sphere of knowledge that I am talking about. There could be an important piece of evidence missing that would change the entire trial around. Just as this is true, there could be one piece of knowledge that would totally flip the way one would understand an issue through reason. Therefore, absolute certainty about a topic cannot be arrived through reason.

This does not mean that there is not an "absolute." (if you want to call it that though it has some connotations i don't like) It just means that you cannot completely arrive at it through the use of reason.

However, when we make this conclusion we must be careful that we don't overlook the fact that while reason may not be able to bring us to a complete conclusion concerning things it can bring us within the realm of a reasonable conclusion. Or can it?

In order for something to be a reasonable conclusion it should contain a large majority of the evidence... or of the sphere of knowldge. Of the 100% of the evidence or sphere of knowledge perhaps the amount required for a reasonable assumption would be 80% or so. However, when it comes to God, we can't even begin to imagine the edge of that kind of sphere of knowledge.
His ways are far beyond our ways. We couldn't ever be able to say we have enough information to make a reasonable assumption.

Here I am obviously speaking in spiritual terms, not in terms of science. In science we can determine the validity of a reasonable assumption through experiments and results. It's not exactly that easy to do that with God. God is not something we can master... in fact, He is someOne we could never even hope to master or control, nor should we ever even begin to think we can. May God be revered forever, the eternally blessed God.

So, basically, if I were to wrap this all up in a nutshell, I use reason as a tool, acknowledging its limits. It can help us to be fairly certain about things, but as to their complete certainty it leaves us lacking.

May I say though that when it comes to scripture I believe each point it makes is in congruence with the truth. So, even if it says two things that look like they are contrary, there is a way in which they work together to form the complete picture. The scriptures do not contradict themselves, at least not in their original texts. As for the texts we have now that are not the originals, i take that any apparent contradictions are at fault because of transcription errors, yet all the rest can be trusted. (Though we must not write something off as a transcription error so quickly either.)

ok ok so I rambled about thoughts about reason and the Bible and God and stuff... but thats what I do. so, yeah. Alright... i'll write later hopefully.

Rambling, theology, and lables

2007-09-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright. So, it's been a while. Who reads this thing anyways. But, I just wanted to type some stuff up here. Things have been busy. I'm finding my college work challenging. Well.. haha... i guess i'm finding that getting the reading done is more challenging. It's weird. You would think that it wouldn't be that bad. All I am taking right now, officially anyways, is 15.5 units. But, the thing is that they are mostly upper division courses and I really, really want to be able to engage in these courses. I don't want to float through and try to get a good grade. I want to learn from what I am reading. But, I guess that means actually reading.

If you made it through that paragraph congrats ;-)

um, yeah.

So, recently I have been looking more and more into theology. I want to be able to talk about theology with different people so, why not have a theologically themed blog? Eh.... well... i guess that if I'm going to author a theology blog it might be a good idea to actually write every once in a while. Well..... I doubt I could actually just hold it to theology. So, here I am back at my all purpose blog again.

hmmmm... what to do?

Well, as of at least the last post that I made I have started to use labels to help sort out which posts are talking about what. If I do talk about theology maybe it would be good to use labels so people could find those entries easier. Oh my writing style has become so discontiguous. Forgive me, I've been out of practice for a while.

Hopefully I'll get back to writing in here on a consistant basis. Laaata

Who I am ... Part 2

2007-06-23T00:18:00.001-07:00

In some ways I think that maybe I should give a clearer picture of who I am and who I have become. Postmodernity is quite a large area, just to say that I find myself identifying with the postmodern movement might make some think that I do not believe in an objective truth or that I am relativistic. While those things are part of the larger secular postmodern culture, I do not claim those parts of postmodernity. In all reality there are good parts and bad parts to postmodernity. The good parts, the emphasis on community, relational ministry, the desire for authenticity, and more are the parts that I find myself identifying with along with a tendency to question tradition and things that have been established. I do not however go along with any idea that says that truth is relative or that there are many ways to God.

As far as the part about being not quite fundamentalist or evangelical I must say that I do not differ greatly from the ideas that are within those realms. I go along with much of what they have to say, just not all of it.

I'm searching for the truth; for the way that things are supposed to be. I want to know God as He really is and to follow Him. I want to understand the way that reality is. And in reality, it is all about God.

Urge to write

2007-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just had the urge to write? It isn't because you think you should because you haven't been updating, but rather, it is actually just a random urge for me today. I was sitting outside in my backyard trying to catch up on some reading for class. I had gotten a chair out and set it up. I brought along a few other items just in case I needed them. Also, one of the reasons why I went to sit outside was so that a cat, not really our cat though, could come and lay in my lap as I read.

As I went on reading it felt like God spoke to my heart about something. That cat was not mine. I didn't own it, but I was sitting there with it lying in my lap as I read my book. I began to feel guilty and somehow this got linked to marriage. Ok, yeah, being married to a cat is not my thing... no, definitely not that kind of stuff. I mean like linked to the idea of a marriage between a husband and his wife. Just like that cat was not mine and yet it was sitting in my lap, if there is someone else in our lives other than our wives, they aren't ours to hold. We don't have any right to be with them. They don't belong to us (wife belonging to husband and husband belonging to wife). We have absolutely no right to be there with them.

How all this got related to a cat I am not sure, but it made me think. Marriage is serious business. You give yourself to one person for life and if you are with someone else in the midst of that then it's wrong. Fidelity is important. And God gives grace to us for those who have made mistakes. I don't know why I am writing this, but, if you are out there and you are in a relationship with someone that is not your wife and you are already married to someone then i want you to know that it isn't right. But God can forgive you. Don't let your present activity in it deter you from getting right with God. Go back to God, go back to your first wife, go back to the wife of your youth. Let her know that you're sorry and that you love her with all of your heart. She is the one to whom your affection is due.

lata

Who I am

2007-03-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

Growing up in an evangelical / fundamentalist / pentecostal / holiness background has a way of shaping the way that you view things. I was taught basic beliefs about the Bible ... inerrant, infallible, totally inspired... etc. I was taught a bunch of different doctrines and such. This was because from the time I first went to school I grew up in church and with a private Christian education, even until now. However, something began to change...

While I was ending my second year of college I felt that my life was going to change. I had no idea what was going to happen. In fact, I had made plans to keep on going to college, but after this feeling occured I had no idea what would ensue. By the time the end of summer came around I felt a call on my heart for me to go live with my sister in another state. There I began to really study the word and pray. It was, in some ways, the genesis of my own faith... of what I believed as opposed to what I had been taught.

I read and grew in the Word and in communion with God. After a few months thought things began to die down. After seven months of staying with my sister I came back and continued my college education. (Which, according to God's Divine providence, the Ohio trip made it possible for me to have the money to continue my education.)

As I continued in college I started studying theology and ministry. Suddenly tensions that I had inside of me, ones that majorly arose out of my trip to another state, began to crop up... tensions about the way I looked at things theologically and more began to be explained. I found out that I was not quite fundamentalist, that I was not quite
evangelical, and that the way I had been raised did not fit me completely.

My continuing education, coming on the heels of my trip, began to birth a new movement in my spirit. It birthed something that actually made sense to me... something that went along with my ideas and thinking; something that made me resonate deep inside, like a tuning fork. It birthed in me a journey toward a seemingly much criticized movement. A movement that many Christians within my own denomination probably look down upon... Postmodernity.

Now, here I am; finding myself in the midst of change. I just pray that God would be with me, guiding me through the storm, guiding me through my journey.

Hmmm... thoughts on motivation and such

2007-03-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

Right now I am considering creating an online group on myspace about theology/philosophy. This is an idea that I have had for a little while now. But, I am not sure if it is what God wants me to do. If I were to do such would it be out of the right heart? I think that is what a lot of decisions probably come down to, whether or not the heart behind things is right.

So, naturally, what would be my heart behind the theology/philosophy group. Well, I don't think that it is so much to be a leader of a great group who has a bunch of power and can kick people out and threaten them. I don't think so. Of course, it could have something to do with wanting to be in charge. I have a tendency to want to be in charge of certain things. So, is it a control freak kind of thing? I guess I can be selfish and want things to be passed through me or for me to be involved in all of the different stuff going on. I think perhaps it goes back to the desire to be needed. The "need to be needed" as some would say. So, maybe that is part of the reason for why I want to make the group. It sounds right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe that is a big part of it. Maybe my heart isn't right in doing so.

Regardless of that I can still see the value in doing it, but maybe I shouldn't until I get over this stupid "need to be needed" thing... or at least get it out of my motives for the group. ... yeah

My need to be needed thing is hard. It is something that I don't want, but it is something that happens regardless of what I do. I don't want to be handicapped to this. So, how do I deal with a need to be needed?

Maybe it has to deal with an insecurity issue? Do I not feel worth? Do I have a poor sense of self worth? Maybe... and maybe that poor sense of self worth is salved when others affirm me, letting me be a big presence in their lives. It makes me feel important and included. It makes me feel loved. Maybe that is the issue. Maybe I don't feel loved. and when you don't feel loved you feel a lack of self worth as if you are not worthy to be loved.

But the thing is is that I am loved. I am loved more than anyone here on earth could ever love me by an incredible God. He showers His love on me. It is in His love, in Him, that I should find my worth. I have incredible worth to Him.

This is true. But sometimes I don't feel it because I guess in a way, physical representations of love have a way of feeling more real than the love of an invisible God. Not saying that they always do, but that perhaps it is easier to feel loved when we recieve that affirmation physically or in a mortal sense. This doesn't nullify the fact that God's love is greater or that it gives us insurmountable worth, but it just means that sometimes it is easier for us to go by what we can see, hear, and feel in this world than by something that we can feel in the Spirit (because we don't always feel things in the Spirit.) For me at least, it is easier to be numb in the Spirit than to be numb from someone reaching out and touching me with their care and love. So that at times makes it hard for me to feel that love that He has for me and that insurmountible worth that He gives to me by His love... that insurmountible worth that He gives to all whom He loves.

Maybe this reflects on the way that being in the flesh and being in the Spirit affects us. If we are in the Spirit... and walk according to the Spirit, maybe we will not be so prone to being numb to the Spirit, but if we walk according to the flesh and see simply according to our senses then we are more prone to lose sight of the truths that we find underlie all that is visible... but are so often invisible to us. If that is true, then that means that if I am going to grow past this sense of worthlessness then I need to spend more time in the Spirit. Ahhh, but then again comes that sense of motivation. Am I wanting to be in the Spirit more just because I will end up feeling better and feeling like I have worth, or am I doing it because I want to spend time with God... because I love God. A deep love of God needs to underlie all that we do.

But how do we get this deep love of God if we don't seem to have it? What if we know we should and we want it but we don't seem to have it? Well, then we shouldn't seek it for our benefit, but rather because it is the truth, because it is what is right. I guess it comes down to if we really love what is true and what is right or if we love to live in darkness... if we love to live in what is not right and what is not true. Maybe that is the beginning of faith... that love of what is right... that love of something that is beyond our needs and desires. That love of something beyond what will benefit us.

Where I am... Holding on.

2007-03-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

Sigh... yeah. So, today I am feeling pretty down. Pretty sad. I think that it is mostly due to the fact that I don't really feel like I have close friends anymore. People who I hang out with and share a common depth with.

What got me started on all of this?

Well, yesterday I went back over to the church after service because I wanted to talk to one of my old close friends. I wanted to catch up with him and maybe just spend like 5-10 minutes alone. But, it happens that where he should have shown up for service, he didn't come at all. This wouldn't be so bad normally, say, if one of your closest friends was late or didn't show, but the things is, I haven't been able to talk to this guy forever, well with depth anyway. It isn't that I am mad at him for that. It is more like realizing that I am not that big of a part of his life as I used to be. He and I grew apart. He has his own life.

Don't get me wrong. It is good for him to have his own life. I don't think that is the problem. I am just wishing that there was someone that I was a best friend to. I have friends. I have people I talk to, but there are only those few people out there that get so close to you that you are not longer just friends. You are more like brothers or beyond. That is what our friendship used to be like. And now I feel like I dont have anyone who is that close to me. I don't feel like I have someone who is more than just a friend, and perhaps more than just a brother. I don't have someone who is linked to me on an incredibly deep level right now. And I feel that. I feel at a loss because of that. I feel sad as if I am mourning my past friendship with my two best friends that I have ever had and now I am so far from.

I have a feeling that things will never be the same. I have a feeling that I am going to have to leave any prospect of being that close to them anymore behind. I do not know if that is the absolute on all of that, but that is what it feels like for now. I feel like I am coming to the place where I am going to have to let go of my past in order to move on to what God has called me to do. That is not easy. In fact it is very hard because I do not want to let go. I don't want to let go of the past, yet I might very well hav to in order to move forward. And if I have to, then I have to. I don't want tp stand still just because I cannot accept what has happened.

In a way I also feel like if I were to let go I would be abandoning them. I definitely don't want to abandon them. I ended up doing that when I went to Ohio and things fell apart from then on, concerning our friendships. If I move on and don't include them then I feel like I am abandoning them. If I don't move on without them I feel as if I am holding on to something that I cannot take with me, or something that is irreconciliable with what I am supposed to do. I do not know what their opinion of me would be after I take off without them. They might not like me much anymore. I feel like it is time for me to move on. So, I must.

Aside from that, it is hard because letting go of them means having open hands. It means having nothing in my hands. But in order for me to have something else in my hands I have to let go of what I have first. I also don't like that analogy though because all of a sudden the motivation for letting go is for recieving something new. I don't want my motivations to be based upon what I might recieve. They need to be based on my love for God and a willingness to do what He desires of me regardless of it I recieve something new or not. So, if I let go, it needs to be in trust that it is what God wants me to do. It needs to be because I feel that it is where God is leading me, not because I may recieve something better out of it.

It is hard to let go. But I must. If it is God's will then I must. Is it really God's will? Is it really God's will? This is where I feel I need to go. If God wants me to do something else, then may I do something else. I need You direction God. Please help me to find the way tat I am supposed to go. Help me to do what I need to do. Help me to know what it is to let go of what I need to let go and to keep what I need to keep. In Jesus name, amen.

I don't think that letting go would be a complete severance as much as it is moving on in life without them instead of always looking back and wishing for the years and the things that were.

Thats where I am.

: )

2007-03-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

Has God ever used something in your life to tell you something or to give you peace that you did not expect? Most recently I have been watching a show called "Heroes" and along with that I also watched a movie called "Stranger than Fiction." Now this may seem weird, but today, I think God spoke to my heart (or at least laid something on my heart) through them. I want to serve God and take the place that He has created me for. I want to live my life as He would want me to live it. I was inspired to take my place. To stop squirming and to try to live according to His hand. The beginnings of a sense of purpose and calling sprang up. And I rejoice in God for that. He truly is good, and His love endures forever.

So you want to change?

2007-03-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

I have been stuck at various times in my Christian walk wishing that I could change. In fact, one thing that I am having to deal with right now is pride. When someone asks me to do something that I am capable of doing, my heart gets puffed up. It is one of the most frustrating things that can happen. I don't want it to happen.

Another thing that haunts me is the waveriness of my faith. Don't get me wrong, He is there, I just end up feel like I am talking to the ceiling sometimes. Even when I worship sometimes it just feels like I am singing songs, even if it is a time when I am worshipping on my own.

I was thinking about this today when I felt God remind me that if I would just spend time in His presence, He would help me. You see. One of the things that I have found is that I cannot change myself. I do not have the power. That is why I can hate being prideful and yet have my heart exult itself under my breath. It is the most frustrating part of our walk as Christians (well at least to me) to want to do what is right and then to find your own heart and emotions and desires betraying that very thing you want to do and know that you should do. So what can we do?

Spend time with God. It is He that changes us on the inside. You are dealing with pride? Porn? Drugs? Selfishness? Anger? Spend time in God's presence. I think that the more time we spend in God's presence the more He changes us. I believe He uses the time we spend with Him as an opportunity to move in our hearts and conform us to be more like Him. How dangerous it is for us Christians to not spend time with Him because, at least in my experience, we just fall back into the places that we were before He came and started changing our hearts.

Spend time with God. Dig in the Word. Pray. It may seem hopeless or as if nothing is getting done. It may seem like you are talking to a wall. It may seem like the words just run through your eyes without ever getting to your heart. But keep going. It takes a while to scrub away at that calloused shell that encases our hearts. Of course, maybe God will break through and give it instantly. He can. But don't be disappointed if He doesn't. We in our American mindset like to have things quick and easy. We like to have our dinners on our plates within 2 minutes or less. (and we certainly don't want to have to bother with cleaning up afterward... ok, so maybe that's me :-/) Point is, we want things easy. Well, life isn't easy and it isn't quick. This thing we call the Christian walk isn't easy and it sure isn't quick. It takes time to grow. (Like I said, God can do whatever he wants... he can do it quick. And maybe He will. But just be patient if He doesn't)

Walking can be hard

2007-03-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

Right now I am feeling well, rather irritated by some things that are going on, but thats ok. I'll get over it. Other than that, I wanted to talk about some of the things that have been going on inside of me recently.

I really want to be close to God and just recently I have in a way "re-dedicated" myself to seek after Him first... for Him to be my everything. This thing can be so hard though sometimes. My mind is hard to convince and skeptical. Many times I find myself lacking in faith, even though I know that He is there. I feel like I am in a dark cave and only see glimpses of Him now and then. I try to get close, but all I can see is darkness. But I keep walking. Every once in a while I will get another glimpse... and afterwards as I am stuck in the dark I wonder if this will ever end. Oh how I want for it to be as if I was right there with Him. Oh how I wish to leave this dark cave that I am traveling through. He is so hard to see, so hard to touch. I am lost in the merciless fathoms of the darkness of my own mind and reason. I wish to be free. Because I know that this darkness is only there because of my own mind. It is the involuntary cage that wraps me in a dark blanket that I toss and turn in, only peering through to the day light every once in a while.

Who will bring me through this? Who will help me through this? My Lord. Jesus. My God. He will rescue me from my own cave, my own cage, my own stifling blanket. Maybe I just need to stop flailing and just sit and wait for his loving arms to pick me up and like a father to his son who has been playing too long in the freshly warmed sheets, peel back the layers that I have entwined myself in bringing me into the light, hugging me tightly with his love.

That is my God. That is my Lord. My Daddy who gently peels back the sheets and lifts me out, keeping me safely in His arms.

Lot of things on my mind

2007-03-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

      Here I am. I'm sitting in the coffee shop over at my university preparing to ponder all of the things that have been going on recently. It is actually kind of weird for me to be here on campus right now, because it is spring break and I am a commuter student, but thats ok, I'll deal with it.

      Recently, I have been thinking about what God has called me to do in life. It has been the subject of many different ponderings. I have several different thoughts as to what I might be called to do. The most prominent one that keeps beconing me (yet I find it hard to do) is to pursue singing and playing music. This is difficult because, well, the people that I grew up with musically live in a different city at least 30 minutes away. And that poisonous suckage of money / depriver of life we call gasoline is growing in price, making it harder and harder to go anywhere-epsecially in my financial state.

      So, I find myself at home, by myself, feeling the need to play music when most of my time in playing music before was geared to playing with those guys. It just feels so hard without them. Consequently, feeling a call to play music right now is kind of like telling an columnist of a magazine to get to work when there are no other writers. Of course God could have an incredible plan for his writing, and all he can see is just the here and now... the seemingly impossible wasteland. But maybe God calls us through those wastelands so that we will trust Him. Just like Abram, being called to leave all he has and just go. That must have taken a lot of courage and faith. It must have been hard. But he trusted God. So, maybe I should.

      Another one of the things that I feel that God might be calling me to do is to write. (songs included.... that fits into the previous paragraph, but that isn't what I am talking about here.) I feel that maybe God is calling me to write down my thoughts on theology and more. I get ideas for books and have thought about trying to do a little bit of freelance writing. I dont know if that will go anywhere, but I feel an inclination to do so.

      My concern is, what if it is not what I am supposed to be doing? I want to be doing what God has for me. I don't want to get off track. I could see this as a possible distraction to what I need to be doing. (yet even then am I doing anything else anyway?? At least if I did this I would be doing something)

      This desire to write also includes the desire to think about things. I have the desire to think about philosophy and theology. I want to read and figure things out. I want to know things for myself and not just accept them because someone told me. I have questions. I want to know answers. This would also include discussion with other people who think about theology and philosophy. Aye yai yai ... this too could take a lot of time. Is it worth it for me to be doing this?

      Another thing which I enjoy doing is computer stuff. I love to mess around with my graphics editing program (the GIMP). I have made a logo for a small business and have even mostly designed a DVD cover that is going to be put into use by that same small company. Just thinking about it here though, it seems like this is more of a side thing. It doesn't seem like it is as important as the other three things that I want to do. (But still! it can help bring in money... something which the other three I guess could possibly do... well you would have to understand my whole thoughts toward publishing and ministry for profit :-/!! So, I really couldn't count on the others to bring money in for me, unless it was God providing... which He can.)

      Siiigh, suffice to say, I find myself as a student pulled in these directions. I have a year and a half left in college and feel these inclinations. Gladly, my degree is going to be in Contemporary Christian Ministries and Biblical and Religious Studies... Theology and Ethics emphasis. That helps some with the things that I desire to do, as I will be writing papers and learning more about theology. I just have a hesitancy to jump fully into doing some of these things. In music I feel trapped or at least burdened, in Theology/Writing I am questioning if I should do it or not, and in computer stuff... well, that really isn't that big of a deal.

      Please God, please help me to walk in the path that You desire for me. I want to do what You have for me to do. I need Your guidance and Your help. I don't want to wander off on my own for my own reasons. Help me God, in Jesus name, Amen.

Whew... construction done for now

2007-03-07T22:31:00.000-08:00

Yup. I've been working to get the new background up and everything working properly. Finally done. Actually, I have been trying to get a single aspect of my page just right for quite a while. I got it done tonight. Tiiiiight. Alright, I might update later on today. Latas

Ok... so I am going at it again.

2007-03-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

Alright. I haven't exactly been very consistant with this whole blogging thing. In fact, I don't think that I have been consistant with a lot of things in my life. Discipline is one of those things that is both desired and makes me cringe because of how hard it is for me to have. I think that a lot of the problems in my life are boiled down to just that, lack of discipline. If I think about it it is a lack of discipline that has caused my continuious failings, being that I fail through letting my passions control me, instead of me controlling them. That is exactly what discipline is all about. You control the desires and passions that you have. They don't control you. If I am disciplined in doing my homework then I would go contrary to my natural inclination to put it off. I would control myself instead of letting my desire to lay down and snooze or do something else (which my passions are ok with).

I think that in a way it is tied into what God said to Cain in Genesis 4:7 where it talks about sins desire to control and how Cain should control it. At least it reminds me some of that passage. Sigh.

So, yes. I am beginning to write in here again, hopefully to keep it up. In an effort to do so I have made blogger my homepage so that everytime i go onto the internet there is it! -- waiting for me to log in and write. So yeah, here goes. Hopefully I am going to be more disciplined, and maybe being more disciplined in this one area of my life will help to rub off on other parts of my life. Please Jesus, help me to do Your will and to become more like that man that You desire for me to be. In Jesus name, amen.

Desiring Freedom

2007-02-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about freedom. It came to me while I was playing my guitar and singing. I, in a way, wanted to be free. Partially, I wanted to be free without God. It was like, I desired to be free without God being a part of it. I wanted to look for something good without it being attached to God. That isn’t something that great, but anyways, I realized something about that. There is no freedom outside of God. In fact, there is no good thing outside of God. Everything that is good comes from Him right? He is good.

So, if I was seeking to feel anything good or to find anything good or freeing it would be inside of Him. But if I was seeking “good” outside of Him, it would just be an illusion because everything that is good is in Him.

It goes this way, either I am bound to Him and free from things that are wrong (finding in Him everything that is good), or I am free from Him(in a way) and bound to sin (where I can find no true “good” thing, but only evil and selfish things in the end). There are no other choices. There are only two; inside of Him or outside of Him, in good or in evil. All good is in and through Him. If that is so, what is left to be outside? Only evil. We learn that in Him is no evil.
Why then would we think that we could find good outside of Him? Because evil is a deceiver. It entices us with things that seem good, but that are rooted in evil. It would be like eating a chocolate kiss and finding out that it was made out of mud upon tasting it. In our hearts, at least in mine, is a longing for good. The enemy pulls at this with deceptions of good. They are illusions that look like they are good (also cooperating with our sinful nature that likes to rebel against God). We find ourselves looking for good among evil, only to find in the end that it was mud instead of chocolate.

So, yeah. Basically I’m saying, that if you are looking for good, anything good, you will only find it in God. There is no other way. For all good is found in Him, and anything that looks good outside of Him is only an illusion destined to pull you into evil.

lata!

Whew... back in class

2007-01-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Aye yai yai are things hectic around here. I have all kinds of reading and stuff for my classes. This semester I am carrying about 17 units. ok ok, maybe it doesn't seem like a whole lot to the people out there who are having to take like 23 or 24 units, but it seems like a lot to me.

A lot of good things have been going on in my relationship with God. A lot of hard things have been going on as well. I have started to write again in a journal which my friend Jaime gave me. This is just a short update. Ill catch up a little later... hopefully. lata

Self-Betrayal - Words unspoken

2006-11-28T15:59:00.000-08:00

Something happened to me today. It happened in my conflict management resolution class. I was doing a project with other people in my group and was faced with a situation where I could have stepped up and made a difference. I even talked to the others in the group about it, but I didn't step up to the challenge. I had an idea that would have been good, but I didn't go through with it because I didn't want to do it all alone.

It is interesting that we can feel that way. Why does it happen? I wanted to see something happen. I had a good idea, but I didn't do anything. I was afraid to do it on my own. I was afraid to take a stand. What good is it to have good ideas, great ideas, or even revolutionary ideas if you do not take the courage to act on them even if no one will follow? Of course I don't mean stepping forward in malicious violent action, but I mean stepping out with good ideas even when the cost may be looking stupid.

I have spent most of my life following people when it comes to groups. If I am on my own I make it, but in groups, I settle into the background and will do what is necessary for the leaders of the group. I don't want to be this way. I want to step up, take courage, and jump out on a limb to do what I think is right. When we do that we risk making big mistakes and I direly don't want to make mistakes. In fact, if I could name my top five fears it would probably be pretty close to the top. I hate the idea of making a mistake, and even moreso when it involves the scrutiny of other people. But I can't live like this forever. I must change. I must be able to step out. I don't want to sit by and watch an opportunity go by in which I could have made a big difference. That in and of itself is a mistake. So, either way I run the risk of making a mistake.

God please help me to step out and make a difference when my time comes, and please help me to be able to know when that time is. Give me courage, Lord. Give me strength, Lord. I don't want to be just another silent voice among the masses refusing to cry out when my time to cry comes. I want to speak. Help me to know when. In Jesus name, Amen.

Our Stories

2006-11-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

I was reading recently in one of my college textbooks about the "hermeneutic function of the family." It talked about how the family is the primary entity that should be teaching the younger generations about what Christ has done. It specifically refered to the institution of the passover in deuteronomy as something where one generation passed down knowledge to the next generation of what God has done for them. From what I understood this book pointed out that this section of verses tells us that our families should be the basis of teaching the next generation about God and the Bible.

But as I was reading this I began to wonder and think about what we teach to our children. Many times it is the story of David and Goliath, the story of Jesus and the Children, the Exodus, the creation and other very important and true stories. These are the stories of the faith. But I wonder why we don't teach them and tell them of our stories too.

Back in Biblical times the Bible stories were directly the story of, the history of, their people, or at least (in the New Testament ... for the gentiles) of some of the heads of the faith. It was all stories that happened not long ago. It was a history that largely shaped their culture. But in our day and age it is the history of a people from whom the savior came about 2000 years ago. I guess what I am wondering is why we don't share the stories of how God affected, intervened and changed our lives and our recent history.

Of course it isn't as authoritative as the Bible, but would it not also build faith? Instead of learning just about David and Goliath they could learn about how their grandfather had been working hard to preserve his farm through a drought but everything looked dismal. How he trusted in God and God brought him through. Why not along with the stories of Shaderach Meschach and Abednego we tell the stories of the men of faith and of martyrs of our own time? God has done incredible things in our lives and He still moves today. I think that our children would be missing out on something incredible if we simply told them all the Bible stories but left out how God has provided for us and moved in our day and age.

In the Bible it was truly important for them to pass on the truth of how God moved in their history. Why don't we tell our children how He has moved in ours?

Missing Him

2006-11-25T20:13:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how we can go through life and forget about God so much. Not as in forgetting that He is there, but forgetting to think about Him and on Him. I was listening tonight to a recording of the college hour worship service that Fresno Pacific puts out. I had to stop and be still worshipping God. I could have continued doing what I had been doing, but I had to stop. Something in me stirred awake. You see, I used to worship through music a lot. Unfortunately most of that stopped because my positions in ministry and at college. Now I am beginning to long in my heart for that intimate time with God. I miss it and I want it back again. There is just something about worshipping God that moves me. I would encourage you to worship Him. Find some time. Listen to Him and be still. I truly miss Him...

Hey!!

2006-11-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. I just wanted to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! There are all kinds of things we can be thankful for. I think that one of the things I am most thankful for are my friends and family. First and foremost I am thankful for the grace of Jesus.

What are you thankful for?

Been a while

2006-11-18T22:39:00.000-08:00

Wow. It has really been a while since I posted anything in here. I really need to keep this more up to date. Well, what has been going on in my life as of late? Dental work. Yeah... thats a big fat yeah. I've had quite a bit, but I'll just leave it to that.

Things are going better with God. I don't think that I am feeling as alone anymore. However, there is still that sense of loneliness that comes. But it's not so bad. God is moving in my heart and I am discovering new friends and finding that in all reality, friends are there a lot of times, it's just that I am not letting them be. I keep myself from talking to them and such. It's really quite dumb. I could have more friends than I do now, I just end up keeping to myself. Ah yes, introverted style, yet, not totally introverted. (I don't think... eep)

How is everyone out there in the world? I don't know if anyone will read this soon, but just wondering! Whats up!?

alone

2006-10-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

I feel so alone. I have friends who are Christians and everything. I talk to them, I see them, I hang out with them, I even talk to m friends who are older in the Lord, but it doesn't really seem like that ones that I talk to are relaly looking and searching for God like I am. I write this not out of pride, but out of pain because I wish that there was someone to walk this road with me. I want to walk with someone who wants God more than anything else. It is so tiring. I think that maybe one of the problems is that there are not many Christian people or ministers that I truly respect... or rather that I don't think very highly of. I see Christian after Christian go to church, worship, maybe read and pray, but live their lives as if their faith is seperate from the rest of their lives, when it should be at the core of who they are. Everything that they are should revolve around Christ. That just doesn't happen much anymore. People get so caught up with school, church activities, relationships, fun things, entertainment, etc. etc. that we forget that at the heart of all of it is Christ. I am tired of it and I want someone there with me who will say, yeah, we are supposed to be focused on Christ with all that we are. Yeah, I am seeking to be close to Him and to do His will in my life (not my own). Yeah, I am wanting to give Him all that I am, wanting to sacrifice what I want for what He wants me to do if He calls me for it. You don't find those people. They just don't seem to exist and I am tired... That is what I am feeling.

This touched my heart

2006-10-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

"The guests at a certain hotel were being rendered uncomfortable by repeated strumming on a piano, done by a little girl who possessed no knowledge of music. They complained to the proprietor with a view to having the annoyance stopped. 'I am sorry you are annoyed,' he said. 'But the girl is the child of one of my very best guests. I can scarcely ask her not to touch the piano. But her father, who is away for a day or so, will return tomorrow. You can then approach him, and have the matter set right.' When the father returned, he found his daughter in the reception-room and, as usual, thumping on the piano. He walked up behind the child and, putting his arms over her shoulders, took her hands in his, and produced some most beautiful music. Thus it may be with us, and thus it will be, some coming day. Just now, we can produce little but clamour and disharmony; but, one day, the Lord Jesus will take hold of our hands of faith and prayer, and use them to bring forth the music of the skies." -- ANON

...pain

2006-09-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

There is a pain that I have been dealing with, that I have been carrying around in my heart for a long time. I don't know how to deal with it and I am not sure that I know where it came from. I just wish it would go away. It is deep and supressed, and produces a dull numb feeling on the inside that I cannot seem to shake very often.

I do believe that things are getting better though. There has been all kinds of good things going on in my life right now. There has also been a good share of sad things. But God has helped me to get through those things knowing that He will carry me through. It doesn't mean that I won't miss those parts of my life, but that I know He has all things in His hands.

I know that this pain on the inside will not swallow me up because God has me in His arms, but I just wish that I could let go. It's not that I don't want to let go, it's not that I have some desire deep inside to keep holding on. I just don't know how to let go. Today i felt it to the point of just wanting to go and be alone by myself and talk to God about it. You know, He is a good refuge.

I just want to be happy again...

I could keep typing, going into all the things that I think it has to deal with. Maybe I would find peices to the puzzle of why I keep holding on to something that I want to drop to the ground. I remember a traumatic experience from my past, but even when thinking abou tit I am numb. I just want to be free! Christ brings freedom. It is coming, I just wish it was now.

: )

2006-09-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

It feels good.

Thats whay I have to say.

It feels good to be getting back to being close with God. I can't say that I'm like super close, but I want to be. Things in my life are changing. It's not even just a feeling, but also seeing parts of me changing ... not because of anything that I can do, but because God's Word and His Holy Spirit is working on my life from the inside out. All glory for this goes to God because without His patience and His grace, there is no way that things would be coming back to this. This is His work in my life, not my own. He is doing this in me. Of course I make the effort to draw near, but still, it is because of Him. All good things are because of our Lord. Blessed be His name :-D!

I will praise the Lord! The One who is to be praised above all else, the one for whom I now live, the one who provided me with a way out of this death coming upon us all. Jesus, you rock!!!! There is no one like You and I couldn't find someone who touches my heart and gives me such peace as You, not if I looked for the rest of time. There is none like You....

Yep...

It feels good!

: )

God's Plan

2006-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was thinking a lot about God’s perfect will for our lives and such. I was riding in the car to go practice when it popped up in my mind. I was thinking of just passing it by, saving the thought for another time, but, I decided to entertain it for a while. I felt something good would come from it. What I basically came to the realization of was something that changed the way I look at my life, and it might yours too. That is why I am writing it in here.

I am not going to include a big bunch of information about all the fullness of what I thought. Instead, I am going to just put the basic stuff down in here so you guys can understand what I was thinking. I wonder if any of you can identify with me on this.

As I have gone through life I have been afraid that perhaps I wasn’t where God wanted me to be. I mean, maybe one of those big choices I botched caused me to fall from where I was supposed to be or from God’s plan for my life. You can easily see how this would cause me to feel like God’s best for me was now forever out of reach. But then I realized something about that. I am where I am. God’s plan for me has not failed. He knew about the mistakes that I would make. He knew what life changing choices I would make and He has that as a part of His plan. They aren’t a part of His plan because He is causing us to sin, but because He knows what choices we are going to make before we even make them. (Can you tell that I believe that God gives us free will?) God’s plan for our life is never messed up. He never has to make adjustments because He already knows what we are going to do. His plans don’t fail.

So, If you are in a spot to where you are thinking, “I messed up so bad and now what do I do” don’t worry. God’s plan for your life is still going. You don’t have to think that, “I have to find my way back to being in God’s perfect will for my life” because you are in the middle of His plan right now. His plan includes our foibles and mistakes. (Of course... if you are in the middle of sin then you need to get out of it) His plan for salvation unto the entire earth included the death and resurrection of His Son. He knew that Israel would reject His son. That was already part of His plan, but that doesn’t mean that His plan for Israel is destroyed and He has to come up with some new one to adjust to our mistakes. You are where you are. You have made the mistakes that you have made. God’s plan for your life has not become invalid even if doors are closed to you forever now, because God opens new doors that were in His plan for your life before your life even began.

Of course we can't use this as a license to say that I can do whatever I want and then come back to God. Yes, God knows what you will do, but you will also be held accountable for what you do. This is not permission to make mistakes but rather an inspiration of hope for those who have and will sin, that their lives in Christ aren't over... that God's plan for their lives has not been ruined... that God will still use them if they yield to God right now. Forget the past as far as the way it chains you down. Learn from it and put it away, "press on" toward the goal of the upward calling in Jesus Christ. Paul talks about the way he thinks of his past... Phi 3:13-14 "Brethren, I count not myself yet to have laid hold: but one thing I do, forgetting the things which are behind, and stretching forward to the things which are before,
I press on toward the goal unto the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

You haven’t messed up to the point that you can never get back to the place where you are supposed to be in Christ. You are where you are now, so get up, and get with it. Don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you that God can’t use you anymore because of your mistakes. God’s plan for your life isn’t ruined, it’s coming to pass. ;)

Problem

2006-09-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, I have a problem. Usually when you come to Christ there is an experience where you change. There is a before and after. The problem for me is that in my memory there never was a before. This might not be a problem for most of those "church kids" because they might end up trying to go their own way, rebelling against God, then they realize that they need God and how much He loves them because He will still forgive them. But I haven't had that either. I never really turned away. I always wanted to do what was right, it might not have been for the right reasons, but the point is that I have. I never turned away from God, nor do I want to. So, I find myself in this interesting predicament of not knowing what i is like to be out from under God's grace. I don't know what it feels like to be in place of a sinner suddenly realizing that he is going to hell. I don't know what that feels like. There was always the thought that Christ would come back and I wouldn't be ready, but never so much the feeling that I was doomed to hell, a course from which Christ plucked me up from. I wish that I have felt that. I wish that I could have known that for it makes it difficult to grasp the love of God.

I was listening to the radio today and it triggered something in my mind. I'm not sure what exact words he said but it was something to the effect of, "Why should God forgive you." That struck me because I have always been taught that He will. I had accepted His forgiveness before I even felt that I really needed it. I know that I am His though. I need Him. But there is something wrong. I don't have the same sense of God's love and forgiveness as other Christians and I feel so alone. I wonder, does anyone else feel like this? Maybe I got saved without the feeling that hell was a threat. It sounds weird, but how? How do I fix this?

Now, this doesn't mean that I haven't felt guilt over something that I have done. I have felt tons of guilt, but I have always known that if I repent that God will forgive me. I always want to repent, so in a way I have become so accustom to knowing I will be forgiven that the threat of hell does not exist... It is almost as if hell itself did not exist to me, because it never was a threat (that I can remember. I know that it was before I came to Christ, yet I have never felt that it was).

So here I am, utterly confused and feeling that I have missed out on something big, yet not knowing how to come to this fullknowledge of God's love and grace. THere is always the thought, you know, you could go out and sin and such, but I don't want to. I would in all reality feel completely horrible doing anything but following my Lord. I don't want to do my thing, or if I do, I don't want to turn away from God. If I know that God doesn't want me to do something, I don't want to do it.

This is so hard and difficult. It is a curse that I have had to put p with. I don't know His love like others who are in Christ do. I don't know what it feels like to be grasped up while utterly falling into the pit of hell. I don't know the meaning of His love and grace and forgiveness, because I have never known anything but it.

So.... what do I do?

Lord, you have been my companion. I have been trying to follow You for so long and I don't want to stop. But Lord, I feel like I havemissed out on knowing You in some way. I want to feel that realization of Your love and grace. I want to feel the sense that I am loved dearly beyond what I can imagine. Your grace did not come unexpected to me. I expected it. Grace was not a gif to me, it was something that just is. It is something that you just give to us. Maybe it doesn't seem to cost You anything big to me, though I know how much pain and suffering You went through on the cross. It doesn't mean much to me because of all that I have been taught and the circumstances of my life. But God, I don't want it to be. I want to revere Your gift and Your love like it truly is, something that is not just there, but something that Your love poured out to us because we were heading down the road to a place where we could never come back from, a place where we are utterly seperated from You. I want to feel the relief of knowing that I am saved, not just the knowledge of it. If this is a curse God, take it away and show me Lord, please reveal to me Your love and Your grace, not just the knowledge of it in my head, but the knowledge of it that runs deep inside and through ever single part of my entire being. I feel alone God, and that no one else is like me. I don't really know if there is anyone out there like this. Please Lord, help me find Your way, help me know Your love and to truly appreciate the sacrifice You made for me. Lord, please, Lord, please, In Jesus name Amen.

My heart

2006-09-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

I remember something about a while ago that bled through my heart today. One of my friends let me borrow one of their cd's. We were thinking about trading hers for one of mine and stuff. Well, I popped it into the cd player and listened. It was Michael W. Smith's "Worship Again" album. As I listened to the tracks play, my heart began to ache, it began to flicker, it came alive again. For a moment my heart was back, seeing the greatness of worshipping God.

I saw my heart again today!

I searched for it, hoping perhaps that I would find it elsewhere, but there is nowhere else where my heart can feel at home than at the feet of Jesus, worshipping. God has created me to be a worshipper. The heart of me is worshipping God. He is that life, He is the One who makes my heart jump and skip a beat, coming alive again. Only in His arms can I feel the way He makes me feel. I don't know why I ever wandered away. It's easy to wander. It's hard to come home. I wanna be home. I need You Jesus. I can't do without You. My heart has been so dead over the past year and a half. There have only been glimpses of You that made my heart stir. Now I feel it stirring more and more and God I need You! God I want You! Can I have You Lord? I need You so bad. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy... Kirie Elihizon, Christe Elehizon... In Jesus name, amen.

Relief

2006-09-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

It wasn't too long ago that I realized that I had some serious issues built up inside of me with my mom. They affected the way I felt toward her and probably even the way I felt toward other people. It's funny, kind of a God thing that all this has come up. It first came out when i was talking about it to one of my good friends. Then, it came back up whenever I would do ministry. It would come into my mind that I needed to talk to her about it. Then, I was in my conflict management and resolution class and they were talking about how we need to go to our "brother" (in the text) whenever he has done something wrong. This pressed me even further to go talk to my mom.

Well, I was lying down on the couch in here (my house) after coming home from a good friends house (and a party for another one of my great friends, his bro). I sat here and just wanted to rest, but God brought it up on my heart to go talk to her about it. ... Did I go? um... not really. I was tired so I decided that I would do it later.

Aha... but then God did His stuff and she called me in there to talk to her about something else. Afterwards, I was lying on her bed while she was in her rocking chair reading. I feel God poking me on the inside telling me to talk to her about it. So, I went for it. And we ended up talking about different stuff that has happened and how it made me feel and stuff. She explained the reasons why certain stuff was the way it was on her end.

I just wanted to say Praise God!! Praise Jesus!! Because it really did feel good to be able to talk about it with her. The issues that I have are coming to a resolution because God pushed me to resolve the issue with her. I would encourage you guys, if you have an issue with someone, go to them and in honesty, not acting out of bitterness or anger, talk about it and try to get it worked out. It really feels good afterwards. And now, I feel that I am free to love, finally, if that makes any sense. Thats the feeling I get anyways... Jesus rocks!!!! :-D!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! Lata peeps! ;)

Getting back to God

2006-09-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Hey all, I don't know if anyone reads this thing. I mean, it's possible but I don't know if it is very likely. But anyways, I will continue for myself and for those who may someday stumble on this if they don't read now.

There has been a lot of changes going on in my life right now. Things are difficult, yet right. One of the things that I think I really got away from was concentrating on God. I let my attention drift from the things of God to the things of this world in a very unbalanced way. And I kind of need to get back to Him. I NEED to get back to Him. It is so easy for me to get distracted and sidetracked. I need to be close to Him.

Have you ever found in your life a time where it was so incredibly difficult to keep seeking God in an interested way? I have. I can always push myself, but what about really wanting to? Lately I have been feeling the urge to really want to seek Him. I feel the pull on my heart. I tell Him my problems and feel His peace. I want to be back in that love relationship with Him. It is so hard, but I must.

Lord, please help me to get back to You. Help me to see You in ways that I haven't for quite some time. I can only wish Lord that You would come and let me feel You holding me now. Please guide me back into Your arms and keep me from evil Lord. Show me the way, that I ma walk in it. Lord, please help. I am Yours... Take me. Please take me in Your arms.

Hard Times

2006-09-01T16:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes things go really rough. We don't always understand why they end up that way, but sometimes it just ends up happening that way. I wish I could say that right now I wasn't hurting, but I do hurt. When stuff happens that changes the rest of your life, its big.

And now I sit here a few hours before I have to speak for youth service. I don't know what I am going to say. I know what general area of te Bible we are going to cover, yet plans and words and expressions fall away from my grasp. The worship of voices during college hour sing in the background as I ache inside out with a pain that hurts deep. Yet, in the midst of it, there is a calming wind... and calming voice speaking in me, "It's going to be ok." This is the One that I am following, the One that I have given my life to. And in His arms I will rest.

Step by Step

2006-07-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know about anyone else out there, but I have a big desire in my heart to do great things... big things. It's not about getting an ego trip or anything. It's because I want to be able to look back on my life and see that I actually did something, that I actually made a difference. I know that the biggest difference that I can make is whatever God has for me. And yes, I know that even the small things can make big differences that we might not even see, but still. I have this desire to see that I did something that made a difference... that I wasn't just another passerby in this life. I want to dream big and impact lives... but where I am seems to be so discouraging. I find myself drifting in life, one day after another, just trying to make it for a little bit longer doing whatever I am at the moment. I don't want to live a life where nothing gets done... where my life is carried on monotonously by my inactivity. It's a flower with no seeds. It's nice... or maybe not... to look at for those nearby, but nothing comes of it. I want to bear fruit! I want to see God use me in great ways! But how do I find my way out of this slouching mess of lazy behavior?

I was thinking about this when the Holy Spirit brought this verse to my mind... haha paraphrased of course... but ... you have to be faithful in the small things before God will give you bigger things. If we are faithful in little, then we will be faithful in much. That, my friends, sticks out to me... not tomorrow or a few years from now... not in my past where I can't change it, but rather, here in the present. If I am faithful with the things He has given me to do right now, then He will bring me to the place where I will do "great things" for Him. They may not be something that I in my finite mind can see as great... but God knows what part in His plan I have. If I never find out what affect my life has on other people, I should be able to be content knowing that I made the biggest difference that I could... how? By following God's will for my life day by day... being faithful in the small and the big. That is how we accomplish great things, for all things that God does... including the "what we think is small" are great. Be encouraged, God can use you for great things ;)

Interests

2006-07-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

There are many different things that I am interested in. For instance, I reaaaally have a passion for doing things on the computer. I'm not talking about just video games or surfing the web, I mean serious programming/editing stuff. I love that kind of stuff. It is a "thirst" within my soul to do that. Also I know that I need to be doing music. Once I am in the midst of playing music, it becomes an overwhelming passion. God also is another passion, to follow Him and to be close. (even though sometimes it doesn't come first...eeep. It should.) Thing is, I have all these interests and a desire to seek after God. So, what should I do?

I know I am called to music and singing. I know that. But computer stuff... I almost feel as if I am going back to the stuff that I wanted to do before I ever got involved in music. Well, the desire I had back then is still in me.... does that make it a bad desire? I don't know. I love programming/editing/repairing etc. on computers as well as doing stuff with music. It's a deep rooted passion. I could almost say that God has given me a gift with computers too. Should I develop it or should i concentrate mostly on music?

It sounds as if maybe I should mostly concentrate on music and if I have free time, do stuff with computers. Or maybe I should def try to make time for both? ah... lots of questions. Few answers. What do you guys think?I guess the bottom line should be to just try to find out what God wants and go for it. I want to do what He wants me to do... but sometimes it can be so hard to understand where He is pointing... whether or not the push you feel in you is you... or God. Know what I mean? ~sigh~

Yet Another Day

2006-07-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today is yet another day that I haven't done very much to seek after God. It's sad really because I want to. I just find it difficult to do... to get around to doing it. Too many things get in the way and I end up wasting my time on things that don't even matter. It is frustrating. I know that I want to be close to God. But I find myself wasting my time. It can be hard work wanting to be close to God. But why? Should it be hard work? Why shouldn't I want to do that more and more?

It's the flesh. It fights against the Spirit. It doesn't want anything to do with spiritual things. It would rather focus on what feels good in the meantime. It wants to please itself and not God. But I, the man on the inside, want to do what is right. I guess it is a classic example of what Paul was talking about in Romans 7:14-25. It is the whole, what I want to do, I don't do... and what I do not want to do, thats what I end up doing. However, Paul here is referring to this happening while we are "carnal, sold under sin." We are no longer sold to sin who are in Christ Jesus. We put ourselves back under its control. We are free. Paul rings out in the end in verse 24 and 25a, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord." He goes on to say though, "So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin." I will do more reasearch on it, but I don't think that this passage is supposed to be talking about those who are intently following Christ. This shouldn't be a norm thing for someone who is close to Christ. Therefore, I think it is because I have begun walking according to the flesh more than according to the Spirit. I need to get back to seeking God with all I am, laying down my will and flesh.

Sigh~ I know. It is true that we here on earth will make mistakes. We will fight with the flesh. But we must not give up and live according to it. Perhaps that is why Paul exhorts us to, "crucify the flesh" so that we will live according to the Spirit... moving closer and closer to God, growing in our love of Him. Crucifying it can be hard though. My flesh likes to do what it wants... like... sit around and play video games a lot. Or... not doing what I am supposed to be doing. It's hard.

Our journey begins with accepting Christ, but we walk that journey everyday. Sometimes the path looks like it will be smoothing out for a little bit, other times (seems like a lot of the time) it gets pretty rocky, it is the narrow path after all. I guess it's something that you have to walk day by day. Day by day isn't easy... but God can carry us through. Help us Lord...

The Oblivious Script

2006-07-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

So... the Oblivious Script. What is it? Basically, me. Plain, flat out, simple, me. I will try to be as honest as I possibly can. While there are certain details and places that I will not go to - in grace to the readers - I will try to be painfully honest and open. I chose Oblivious Script because I know that God knows what will happen in my life... all the mistakes... pains... joys... etc., but I don't. I don't know what will happen two seconds from now. I also don't know how I will feel spiritually in a month and a half. I am oblivious of the script of my life. God does know though and hopefully you can find some encouragement through the words I "key" here. I pray that each of you would find comfort, inspiration, and perhaps, something to think about. May all glory be to Him, after all it's not my life. Lata...